Sufferer Hi guys! C-PTSD DV Survivor

Divine

New Here
Hi, This is the first PTSD forum I've joined. I'm hoping together we can piece things together a bit and feel less alone. I'm 30, I've been in therapy for trauma since 2017 and depression before then.


I'm in recovery for an abusive relationship in my early twenties and a rape as a teen. I only realised was PTSD was in 2017 because I was getting intrusions, it now makes a lot of sense, the exhaustion, the hyper-vigilance, the anxiety later I realised I most likely have C-PTSD. I've been doing EDMR since September after my last round of talking therapy on the NHS left me suicidal with little support and little improvement in my mental health. That overwhelming feeling of continually being treated by being given coping mechanisms instead of them actually trying to cure your condition, of them telling you this is how its gonna be- forever- I guess partially it just feels like letting my abuser win- again. I don't want to give the rest of my life to him too after the years of suffering, I won't. All the relationships which have been ruined because of my PTSD, which might have otherwise worked. It makes be so so sad and worry that I will in the end be alone, no matter how hard I try to heal, to explain the overwhelming depths of the emotions I carry within me other people can't deal with- I'm sick of professionals looking distressed when I explain what happened to me during that relationship, of them having no idea what to do with the huge waves of emotion when they come, of being talked to like this is how its gonna be forever- that makes me want to die.

So I decided it was important to try and start EDMR as the only therapy I'd found (other than Kinetic shift) which actually aims to look at PTSD in a curative way, so I've had to go private (which makes me incredibly angry) and I've been seeing my therapist since September. I'm finding EMDR very challenging, and though I work hard I feel like my therapist might be good at the EDMR aspect but I don't always feel supported in the talking aspect afterwards. I feel like Its taken be this long to find an approach which deals with ptsd in a curative way but now I'm missing someone talking to me as an abuse survivor, there isn't the reassurance I need. She's suggested getting counseling or something alongside but I'm just not sure if I wan't to loose another f*cking day a week to therapy. I find the night of the session I'm lost to feeling depressed and overwhelmed, exhausted. Sometimes this can also knock out the day after too. I'm doing my best but as a single woman in lockdown living away from my family I just feel so so alone against this and I want reassurance. My mother tried but she doesn't really know what to say, I'm exhausted by the cycle of me saying I don't feel supported then her asking her how she can support me then me struggling through low spoons to explain over and over again that I don't know what the answer is I shouldn't be expected to know- I'm the sick one. We just end up on the phone in silence her saying she doesn't know how to support me, so that makes me feel crap.

Fortunately I've started using a full spectrum CBD oil daily which seems to knock out most of the anxiety and exhaustion I was dealing with during the days so that gives me a lot of my life back at the moment, aside from the therapy days. I'm working very hard and I wish I could catch a break, or feel supported.

-D
 
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ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome to the forum. Many of us here have lived thru DV and it does take a long time to not be triggered by things. But it does get better or at least different before it gets better.

A lot to read here that is supportive within the experiences of others. How to deal with things and how to support ourselves when no one else is around. Not an easy journey this one, but hope you start to not feel so alone.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Hi Divine. Welcome to the forum! I am a survivor of DV and rape too and joined recently. It has supported me a lot in going through the motions and not feeling so lost. I do feel lost. But less isolated. This place is very validating and reassuring in this sense. It helped me a lot to see you can go through things. I have diagnosed PTSD/GAD only since January but have struggled with anxiety levels over the roof since so long I don't even know what it is life without it.

I don't think you can cure yourself in the sense you cannot unknown what once has been known and felt, but you can aim for a life that integrates that in another way than desperation.

I also think that round 30 (I'm 28) there is the piling up of the anxiety of the life you're building for yourself. If by understanding "curing" you're hoping to revert back to more comfort... Perhaps it's the wrong way round. Many times I'd like to revert back. And not having to deal with adulthood. We can't cure ourselves from life neither. PTSD has a very hard way to tell it to you.

Happy to hear you could find some help with the CBD as I noticed they're very avoidant to prescribe anxiety drugs through the NHS. What I have is that I more or less resent people for not having to even deal with similar levels of anxiety and grief and see they look more supported or have better success in life than what I had so far. But I certainly do look exactly like this to others. And in this regard places like this are important because it also shows you that what we've been through is unfortunately common. Some had it better, some had it worse. And then I tell myself, actually there isn't a single moment I walk through the streets where there isn't someone who also knows. I might well have interacted with them many times without knowing, and that they also can be kind and not only potentially violent jerks. This is a personal thought of reassurance and it helps me to feel that at least if I am not understood now, at least I can be later. Reading about the topic and disclosing it has helped too because it made people who went through similar situations reach out for me, too. And honestly this has given me more impression of social protection and it's been important to feel this way as it mitigates the feeling of threat.

Hope this helps. Welcome!
 

Friday

Moderator
First off, welcome!

Secondly?
That overwhelming feeling of continually being treated by being given coping mechanisms instead of them actually trying to cure your condition, of them telling you this is how its gonna be- forever-
Cha. That’s the difference between a static disorder (one that will always be there, in the same way, forever) and a cyclic/reactive disorder like PTSD. PTSD symptoms can be managed down to nil, or durn close, by treating the originating trauma. Meanwhile people with GAD, Depression, etc. just have to live with it. It’s one of the reasons I’m grateful to have developed PTSD rather than any of the other disorders that often result -or are exacerbated by- trauma. PTSD? Is craaaaaazy adaptive/treatable. Most disorders aren’t.

Again, welcome.
 

Divine

New Here
Thank you I really appreciate that though I just need to be directed to therapists who treat PTSD as curable, most of those I've had to deal with havn't and then its the hard balance of trying to find people who can be reassuring and treat you like an abuse survior as opposed to just a patient.
First off, welcome!

Secondly?

Cha. That’s the difference between a static disorder (one that will always be there, in the same way, forever) and a cyclic/reactive disorder like PTSD. PTSD symptoms can be managed down to nil, or durn close, by treating the originating trauma. Meanwhile people with GAD, Depression, etc. just have to live with it. It’s one of the reasons I’m grateful to have developed PTSD rather than any of the other disorders that often result -or are exacerbated by- trauma. PTSD? Is craaaaaazy adaptive/treatable. Most disorders aren’t.

Again, welcome.
 

Friday

Moderator
though I just need to be directed to therapists who treat PTSD as curable
It’s not curable. It’s extremely treatable... the vast majority of people can get symptoms down to nil (it’s over 90%)... but similar to how diabetes is reactive to sugar, PTSD is reactive to stress. New trauma, stress/stressors, & loss of coping mechanisms can cause a relapse of symptoms. In either the short term, or long term. So it’s far more of a remission, rather than a cure.

The therapists you’d be looking for are called “Trauma Therapists” and they specialize in treating a whole host of issues/ conditions/ disorders resulting from trauma. <<< This is a wee bit problematic as sooooo many therapists list “trauma” under what they treat, but are not actually Trauma Therapists. The best way to seperate the wheat from the chaff? Look for therapists who are qualified in EMDR, TF-CBT (trauma focused - cognitive behavioral therapy), and other trauma treatment modalities. >>> To give an example? In my city Psychology Today lists over 2,000 therapists who claim to treat “trauma”, but only apx 200 are actual trauma therapists. About 150 specialize in the most common -locally- trauma issues (childhood, rape, & DV), whilst the remaining 50 span the spectrum. In other areas, you’ll find different distributions. Like military towns tend to have a lot of combat trauma therapists, whilst college towns have a lot of rape trauma therapists.
 
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Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome! And sorry for what you have been through.


so I've had to go private (which makes me incredibly
I pay privately for my therapy too. The beauty about this (and maybe this will help with letting go the anger you feel about it?) Is that you are in total control. If you think your T is not meeting all your needs, you can find another one. No waiting lists. No making do with whoever the NHS decides is free to treat you. You are in total control. So it gives you a freedom that you might not otherwise has on the NHS (yes, bigger debate about this should be available on the NHS, but there is a reality....)

This forum is great. Lots of really informed people to bounce ideas off.
 
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