AzulSerenade
New Here
Hello there. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and Different Anxiety disorder(not wuite sure if thats the correct term) over four years ago, but they didn't tell me. I suspect I was actually first diagnosed 9 years ago but they wouldn't tell me at that time either. My central trauma is my biological mother - she wanted to kill me when I was 12. But my whole so-called childhood was ripe with domestic abuse, suicide attempts of my biological mother, drug exposure, psychological abuse, overall negelection of me and my siblings as children. To some aspect they also made me a tool of getting drugs for them.
That about sums my story up. I got away from my mother when I was 16, away from my father at 19. The horrible thing for me is that part of me still loves her and I have trouble dealing with it sometimes. The reason I decided to join right now is because it's one day before christmas. I hate christmas. It feels like everthing I ever loved was taken away from me at christmas. That's not the actual truth, but most bad things happend at and around christmas. I am more or less forced by my one-day-to-mother-in-law to celebrate with her and her family. Everthing about family things triggers me. She doesn't want to understand or possibly can't understand what happend to me and just doesn't seem to get why I hate christmas. I wish I could just spend it alone with a pizza and some tv or whatever, pretending it's just another day. I don't know if I'm overusing the function of this thread right now but I'm so frustrated right now. I wish I didn't have to celebrate. It just makes me incredibly sad, I keep having flashbacks and false violence-imagery pushed into my head. The hypervigilance is at its stronges these days. I can't pass a christmas market without being horribly afraid, watching my back in battle stance, worried my mother will be there (she's a kind of horrible performer, screaming poems at people in a bright red dress with a big glittery lantern at her side). At this time of year I'm always frightend when I hear bells. I do alright in the summer. I did four years of therapy, including a bunch of EMDR which helped quite a bit, but most people just don't understand that it won't just go away. I still suffer from partial amnesia concerning many parts of my childhood but whenever I talk to my siblings about it, trying to find answers to even just order my personal timeline they won't help me. They'll be solemn or cry or whatever but they won't f*cking help me. They listen, yeah, but why can't they just tell me what they know about these things? My older brother escaped before things got really bad, my younger one seems a bit dead on the inside, I suspect he may have PTSD to, but he has erected a wall around him and doesn't have the possibilities to peak behind it himself. My older sister is has borderline with general anxiety disorder.
I f*cking hate christmas. Why can't I just be left alone? I know it's my decision, tecnically. But my more-or-less-mother-in-law took me in when nobody else would. She helped save my life. This is the least I can do for her.. I think. I can't really back out now, everthings planned throughout and I know I'll get through it somehow - thankfully, there aren't really in-laws coming, its just her and other people my age whom I consider my friends. I just can't understand why she doesn't understand that me being there just has me suffering though the whole day and the weeks prior and after that. I explained to her several times what christmas is like for me but she just keeps pushing it away.
I don't know what else to say or not say. I guess I really just wanted to share with someone who might understand what I'm going through. It often seems like nobody else does.
That about sums my story up. I got away from my mother when I was 16, away from my father at 19. The horrible thing for me is that part of me still loves her and I have trouble dealing with it sometimes. The reason I decided to join right now is because it's one day before christmas. I hate christmas. It feels like everthing I ever loved was taken away from me at christmas. That's not the actual truth, but most bad things happend at and around christmas. I am more or less forced by my one-day-to-mother-in-law to celebrate with her and her family. Everthing about family things triggers me. She doesn't want to understand or possibly can't understand what happend to me and just doesn't seem to get why I hate christmas. I wish I could just spend it alone with a pizza and some tv or whatever, pretending it's just another day. I don't know if I'm overusing the function of this thread right now but I'm so frustrated right now. I wish I didn't have to celebrate. It just makes me incredibly sad, I keep having flashbacks and false violence-imagery pushed into my head. The hypervigilance is at its stronges these days. I can't pass a christmas market without being horribly afraid, watching my back in battle stance, worried my mother will be there (she's a kind of horrible performer, screaming poems at people in a bright red dress with a big glittery lantern at her side). At this time of year I'm always frightend when I hear bells. I do alright in the summer. I did four years of therapy, including a bunch of EMDR which helped quite a bit, but most people just don't understand that it won't just go away. I still suffer from partial amnesia concerning many parts of my childhood but whenever I talk to my siblings about it, trying to find answers to even just order my personal timeline they won't help me. They'll be solemn or cry or whatever but they won't f*cking help me. They listen, yeah, but why can't they just tell me what they know about these things? My older brother escaped before things got really bad, my younger one seems a bit dead on the inside, I suspect he may have PTSD to, but he has erected a wall around him and doesn't have the possibilities to peak behind it himself. My older sister is has borderline with general anxiety disorder.
I f*cking hate christmas. Why can't I just be left alone? I know it's my decision, tecnically. But my more-or-less-mother-in-law took me in when nobody else would. She helped save my life. This is the least I can do for her.. I think. I can't really back out now, everthings planned throughout and I know I'll get through it somehow - thankfully, there aren't really in-laws coming, its just her and other people my age whom I consider my friends. I just can't understand why she doesn't understand that me being there just has me suffering though the whole day and the weeks prior and after that. I explained to her several times what christmas is like for me but she just keeps pushing it away.
I don't know what else to say or not say. I guess I really just wanted to share with someone who might understand what I'm going through. It often seems like nobody else does.