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Sufferer Hi guys - ptsd depression anxiety - childhood trauma - hate christmas & looking for understanding

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AzulSerenade

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Hello there. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and Different Anxiety disorder(not wuite sure if thats the correct term) over four years ago, but they didn't tell me. I suspect I was actually first diagnosed 9 years ago but they wouldn't tell me at that time either. My central trauma is my biological mother - she wanted to kill me when I was 12. But my whole so-called childhood was ripe with domestic abuse, suicide attempts of my biological mother, drug exposure, psychological abuse, overall negelection of me and my siblings as children. To some aspect they also made me a tool of getting drugs for them.
That about sums my story up. I got away from my mother when I was 16, away from my father at 19. The horrible thing for me is that part of me still loves her and I have trouble dealing with it sometimes. The reason I decided to join right now is because it's one day before christmas. I hate christmas. It feels like everthing I ever loved was taken away from me at christmas. That's not the actual truth, but most bad things happend at and around christmas. I am more or less forced by my one-day-to-mother-in-law to celebrate with her and her family. Everthing about family things triggers me. She doesn't want to understand or possibly can't understand what happend to me and just doesn't seem to get why I hate christmas. I wish I could just spend it alone with a pizza and some tv or whatever, pretending it's just another day. I don't know if I'm overusing the function of this thread right now but I'm so frustrated right now. I wish I didn't have to celebrate. It just makes me incredibly sad, I keep having flashbacks and false violence-imagery pushed into my head. The hypervigilance is at its stronges these days. I can't pass a christmas market without being horribly afraid, watching my back in battle stance, worried my mother will be there (she's a kind of horrible performer, screaming poems at people in a bright red dress with a big glittery lantern at her side). At this time of year I'm always frightend when I hear bells. I do alright in the summer. I did four years of therapy, including a bunch of EMDR which helped quite a bit, but most people just don't understand that it won't just go away. I still suffer from partial amnesia concerning many parts of my childhood but whenever I talk to my siblings about it, trying to find answers to even just order my personal timeline they won't help me. They'll be solemn or cry or whatever but they won't f*cking help me. They listen, yeah, but why can't they just tell me what they know about these things? My older brother escaped before things got really bad, my younger one seems a bit dead on the inside, I suspect he may have PTSD to, but he has erected a wall around him and doesn't have the possibilities to peak behind it himself. My older sister is has borderline with general anxiety disorder.

I f*cking hate christmas. Why can't I just be left alone? I know it's my decision, tecnically. But my more-or-less-mother-in-law took me in when nobody else would. She helped save my life. This is the least I can do for her.. I think. I can't really back out now, everthings planned throughout and I know I'll get through it somehow - thankfully, there aren't really in-laws coming, its just her and other people my age whom I consider my friends. I just can't understand why she doesn't understand that me being there just has me suffering though the whole day and the weeks prior and after that. I explained to her several times what christmas is like for me but she just keeps pushing it away.

I don't know what else to say or not say. I guess I really just wanted to share with someone who might understand what I'm going through. It often seems like nobody else does.
 
Oh I totally get where you are coming from. There’s a number of us here that aren’t enjoying the festive season. I’m feeling a complete sense of dread yet just realised I have no memory of Christmas with family except once in my early 20s. I have not been diagnosed with anything but kinda hang around here because I can relate to stories told.

Welcome :)
 
Welcome to the forum and I am glad you joined here. You will fit right in with others who have been through things that are so traumatic.

You will be understood and supported here. Just keep on writing here and tell your story and others will support you through it. I know that learning to trust strangers must be close to impossible for you but if you can get up the courage try it
I am so sorry about hearing of the things that have happened to you growing up and so glad that you escaped them. Hang on and we will support you through this holiday okay?:hug:
 
Welcome! I hope you find the same kind of support I have here!

Christmas (or any big, important holiday) can trigger so many feelings and so much dread. I understand that feeling of obligation to participate in family gatherings that you describe; I feel the same thing. Home with a pizza and my cats would be sooo awesome!

I'm so sorry you are struggling, but happy you found us!
 
I explained to her several times what christmas is like for me but she just keeps pushing it away.

I can totally relate and know so many others do as well.

I usually push everyone away when I’m suffering. But... a few times I did show up and I did go home feeling better after connecting with friends. It’s hell thinking about it up until that point though.

Welcome to the forum. Reach out on here or read posts from others. You will see you are not alone.

Let us know how it goes!
 
Thanks y'all.
So, I'm home alone now. I went to my mother-in-law as planned and thankfully she was actually considered enough to not do 'family-bonding/singing/similar-shit' which was quite helpful. I managed to get through the afternoon and evening with only minor anxiety and managable flashbacks. The night actuallly got kind of nice as afterwars I went to a friends place to sleep and we played some boardgames which was nice. Couldn't really sleep though. Got nightmares and couldn't sleep any longer in the early morning. Went to breakfest with mother-in-law and the rest of the family and totally lost it. I held it together for about 30 minutes but suddenly everything kept building up and she started expecting me to maybe consider spending the whole day and.. well. Chest pain, anxiety, flashbacks and violence vibes like crazy, this and more.. Thankfully they weren't to annyed at me leaving at this point. That was about five hours ago. By now I've calmed down. Still feel miserable but the panic and flashbacks have gone down cosiderably. Chest pain is gone again too. I get to spend the rest of today and tomorrow by myself in peace so.. I should be able to manage. Thank you all for just being here in this space for people like me, to just.. vent, I suppose.
 
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