Sufferer Hi! Here to connect with others!

Ziza

New Here
Hello everyone, I am glad to have found a place that people understand the struggles I go through daily all my life! I'm turning 58 on Monday and only in the last two years I have realized that I have cptsd!

I've spent 33 years working on myself through the 12 step programs and even though I have learned a lot about myself through the experience, I still have a lot of dysfunctional ways, and overwhelming emotions that I can't explain away! I could never make friends there and I still have a hard time with that. My biggest remaining symptom is anxiety and inability to be ok in the moment. I grew up in a family where fear was the dominant feeling. My dad was an alcoholic, although he was a functioning alcoholic, he used to beat me regularly and as much as I wish I could remember why he was beating me, I don't recall what I had done to get beat so much! My mother was also abusive. She never protected me from my dad and as a matter of fact would tell on me to my dad when he came home if I had done something that I wasn't supposed to do, and I would get beat! She also raged at me called me the worst names you can call someone regularly! She is a narcissist and no matter how much I've tried; my inner child is still angry with her and doesn't want to forgive her!

I had another traumatic event happen where I had to flee my country at 15 years old and migrate. It wasn't by choice, and we became poor after that. I have been in therapy many times over the years, but they were mainly CBT style therapies that didn't address my C-Ptsd at all!

Last year I found a therapist who was trauma informed and we worked together for about 6 months until she raised her fees. I felt very abandoned! She went from $35 to $150 an hour! I have recovered from that and am currently seeing a new therapist, but she isn't as informed as the last one, but I can't afford a great therapist who charges over $100+ an hour! I have only seen the new therapist twice so far and because of how bad I have been feeling, I am not ready to find another therapist yet! This is better than nothing.

I find that I am unable to make decisions for myself and stick to them! I don't have anyone to talk to about what is going on with me! I take anti-depressants which do help, but not enough! I find myself unable to tell myself to do something and do it! I feel tired of trying to live a healthy life. I have forced myself over the years to exercise, lose weight, hike, make friends, etc.... but these have all been extremely difficult and unpleasant I am not able to sustain these activities... I just feel like I can't try anymore!

Thank you for reading my post. I am hoping to find friends here so we can support each other heal.
 
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Ziza

New Here
Welcome to the site! CBT works for CPTSD too. I've never had EMDR but I've had years of CBT. This is a good place to learn and heal.I

I'm glad CBT worked for you! That was the only type of therapy I had for the last 30 years, but in the last year, with Trauma therapist, I have healed more than I did in all those years!

Welcome, Ziza. I'm sorry you've grown up with fear and anxiety. I grew up in a family with a lot of fear, too, and am a recovering addict. I hope you feel less alone as you meet people here.
I'm sorry you also grew up in fear! It's terrible! I find myself not being able to relax even though I have been taught to close my eyes, take deep breaths and imagine putting my fears in a container and experience the feeling of safety! I could only do this with my therapist! I can't do it myself effectively when I have anxiety! I am feeling my tensions in my gut daily and don't know how to comfort myself! I am also a recovering addict!
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you also grew up in fear! It's terrible! I find myself not being able to relax even though I have been taught to close my eyes, take deep breaths and imagine putting my fears in a container and experience the feeling of safety! I could only do this with my therapist! I can't do it myself effectively when I have anxiety! I am feeling my tensions in my gut daily and don't know how to comfort myself! I am also a recovering addict!
I also grew up with alot of fear and anxiety. I am a recovering alcoholic. Haven't drank or smoked for 17 months. Its difficult to feel safe. I often have alot of hyper-vigilence and can't switch off.
 

BIgLittle

Confident
Hello everyone, I am glad to have found a place that people understand the struggles I go through daily all my life! I'm turning 58 on Monday and only in the last two years I have realized that I have cptsd! I've spent 33 years working on myself through the 12 step programs and even though I have learned a lot about myself through the experience, I still have a lot of dysfunctional ways, and overwhelming emotions that I can't explain away! I could never make friends there and I still have a hard time with that. My biggest remaining symptom is anxiety and inability to be ok in the moment. I grew up in a family where fear was the dominant feeling. My dad was an alcoholic, although he was a functioning alcoholic, he used to beat me regularly and as much as I wish I could remember why he was beating me, I don't recall what I had done to get beat so much! My mother was also abusive. She never protected me from my dad and as a matter of fact would tell on me to my dad when he came home if I had done something that I wasn't supposed to do, and I would get beat! She also raged at me called me the worst names you can call someone regularly! She is a narcissist and no matter how much I've tried; my inner child is still angry with her and doesn't want to forgive her! I had another traumatic event happen where I had to flee my country at 15 years old and migrate. It wasn't by choice, and we became poor after that. I have been in therapy many times over the years, but they were mainly CBT style therapies that didn't address my C-Ptsd at all! Last year I found a therapist who was trauma informed and we worked together for about 6 months until she raised her fees. I felt very abandoned! She went from $35 to $150 an hour! I have recovered from that and am currently seeing a new therapist, but she isn't as informed as the last one, but I can't afford a great therapist who charges over $100+ an hour! I have only seen the new therapist twice so far and because of how bad I have been feeling, I am not ready to find another therapist yet! This is better than nothing. I find that I am unable to make decisions for myself and stick to them! I don't have anyone to talk to about what is going on with me! I take anti-depressants which do help, but not enough! I find myself unable to tell myself to do something and do it! I feel tired of trying to live a healthy life. I have forced myself over the years to exercise, lose weight, hike, make friends, etc.... but these have all been extremely difficult and unpleasant I am not able to sustain these activities... I just feel like I can't try anymore!
Thank you for reading my post. I am hoping to find friends here so we can support each other heal.
Hi Ziza,

Welcome here and I am sorry for what you have been through. Hopefully you will find the support you need here. Bless your heart.
 
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