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Hi, I Am Another New Member and PTSD-er

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by dutch_filly, Oct 5, 2007.

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  1. dutch_filly

    dutch_filly New Member

    So I have to say I have had a great 25 years so far, travelled the world seen it all done it all. Loved every moment of it did have a few things that happened at boarding school but nothing I think about everyday..
    I made Bali, Indonesia home when I was 9 yrs old. I loved it and consider it my home since thats where Ive lived for the longest amount of time..And you already guessed it probably, yes the Bali Bomb was my factor that the doctor tells me I have this Ptsd .. So after the Bali Bomb besides crying a lot for the loss of many friends and many people I considered family. Than the second bomb hit in Jimbaran Bay where I almost lost my parents.. Thats when i started getting 'funny'. Funny as in -i was a very outgoing person loved going out, to cinnemas,to nightclubs,concerts etc. I dont/cant do any of it now.. If I am in a large croud I faint.. if im in a confined space and dont see the exit I faint.. If I hear a loud unexpected noise I faint... So first they thought I had a arthmia (however you spell it) and than a neurological problem.. and than no results.. than the doctor calls me saying I have PTSD which makes sense a little now, because I was doing good for a while (like 10 months) till last spring when I started reading a book about the aftermath of the Bali Bomb.
    I guess I have no one to really talk about what happened. My best friends I lost in the bomb, my partner is understanding but doesnt really understand or wants to talk about it all the time.. He actually gets upset because he was there (and remembers) with me when we went back to the 'bomb site' when I scattered on the ground in tears screaming.. than ofcoarse a camera guy had to stick his camera in my face thinking thats what everyone wants to see on the news a foreigner in tears crying at the bomb site. Luckily a lot of my indonesian friends where near by and dragged the camera man away. But still these memories seem to always stick in my head. Its hard to think of the good times and fun times, because the people who where there with me are not there anymore. I cant share,laugh,think,cry and talk to them anymore.. Exept in my dreams, and usually thats when I have flashbacks of everything that happened over and over its like a movie rewinding and fastforwarding all the time..
    Well I have to say this felt good writing away about this.. Maybe I should start a new diary.. eventhough i wrote a whole book (jsut for myself not for anyone else to read) just after the event.
    Goodnight and sleep well or goodmorning for the people on the otherside of the world.
    Nice to meet you..
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Welcome to the forum!
  4. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

    :eek:What a lot to go through!! Be assured...you will find a lot of information and support here:thumbs-upWelcome!!...GIVE PEACE A CHANCE
  5. dutch_filly

    dutch_filly New Member

    Thank you guys, isnt it funny how we all feel so alone but yet i always want to help other people? I just started my new job last week and I hope I can keep it. Not trying to call in 'sick' every week is my new mission.. I really want to keep this job and I know that what went on has to do with me not keeping a job either cause some days I just cant bare to go socialise and see people... I wonder ofter were is the old me? where is the bubbly outgoing person that always had friends around.. Where is me?
  6. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Hi dutch filly,

    Welcome to the forum.

    I've asked the question 'Where is me' many times in the past. You're still in there. You just have to work through all of the stuff that stands in your way of finding yourself again. Working through your traumas is the first step towards that goal.

  7. nie

    nie Wishing for wings to fly. Premium Member Donated

  8. dutch_filly

    dutch_filly New Member

    Yes I ask myself that question everyday.. where is the old me? where is she why is this happening to me? always me me me and so that maybe why i prefere helping others cause than i dont have to think about 'me'.
    Thank you all for the welcome.
  9. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Welcome to the forum DF.
  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    dutch filly, :smile: Welcome to the forum.

    Wishing you well in your new job.
  11. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Welcome to the Forum Dutch.

  12. schenk

    schenk New Member

    Wow! You really nailed it with the where is me thing! It seems a lot of us are experiencing that same feeling. Good luck to you!
  13. RNning

    RNning New Member

    Hi Dutch Filly

    Wow, that is quite a story - glad that you found your way here. In each of the stories there are some lessons - you will never "unremember" your life events, but rather find a way to live with them. It is natural when we are wounded to withdraw - hopefully to some place that is safe - to heal, safe to sleep. The flashbacks and "movies" will hopefully settle - I have found therapy and seroquel to be helpful. It is ironic that when we read of such traumatic events in the paper or hear it on the news, that we find a way to connect, to understand and to make sense of our world.

    May you find the extrovert in you - take care - live well.
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