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Hi, I am New - Still Suffering PTSD

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Deafteddybear12, Jul 21, 2006.

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  1. Deafteddybear12

    Deafteddybear12 New Member

    I was abused and i still am. I am never going to abuse someone. I have ptsd. I take zoloft. I also have other problems. I have mild mental retardation,adhd,depression,panic disorder,ptsd,deafness,communication disorder,and sensory issues.
    I take zoloft,wellbutrin,and ritalin.

    Here is a poem of what my life is like and what happen to me.

    I am abbigail
    I was abused
    when i was abused
    it damaged me
    It made my emotions
    so mixed up
    i couldn't get things right
    I never could get people to understand
    that it hurts to be abused
    It makes you think different about

    when my dad hit me
    my first thoughts was what to do.
    I could tell but how can i get someone to believe me.
    And then what if the person tells my parents or asks them about what i told the person.
    Than my parents deny it. It makes you worry
    will you be believed. How can you get someone to not tell your parents. So you won't be questioned why you told
    and what you say to them. At night you try to get some sleep but your mom comes in your room.
    asks you did someone call cps on us. You tell her that no.
    You try to go back to bed but your mom won't let you. She stays in your room, and keep asking questions . You tell her you don't know anything about cps. You tell the truth but you mom thinks you are lying. Than when you go to someone the next morning you have not much sleep because your mom kept you up and would not let you sleep. When you get to school you tell your teacher, later you get some sleep in class. You cry because it hurt so bad and felt like torture. You have to be brave, because if you don't you will not get through the day. When you are get hit by your dad you cry and your dad tells you to put your arms down. you are so scared that he will hurt you again. You go to your room, and wish you can get out of there. You want to call the cops on him but you don't know how bad it has to be at home to have the cops involved. So you never call the cops because it is so hard to judge when to call and not call. Because you don't want to call because if the situation is not bad enough, you have the cops out there. Then after the cops leave, you get yelled at. He hits and scolds you. You live in fear everyday that he might kill you because he talks about how he can kill you in different ways. You keep telling even when you know you are putting yourself in jeporedy that he finds out then you will be hurt by him. You try to keep everyone quiet about it so it doesn't get to my parents that i told on them. You deal with being emotionally and physically abused for many years,
    Than on top of it all, my dad makes fun of me because of my special needs. It hurts so bad to be treated this way.
    You start have anxiety and panic attacks , you keep getting worse. Your body is being attacked by anxiety so bad, you are in so much pain. It hurts to cry,I can;'t show how i feel because in fear that to be treated bad at home. Your life gets worse. But then it get better at the end. You start thinking how it would feel to not have anxiety.
    You start to think how so painful it is when you have panic attacks, It is like you are dying inside. From all the pain,and hurt. You are numb from it all.
    You are so emotionally damage,
    You don't know if you will fully recover from it all.
    When i started having flashbacks from being molested when i was 7 or 8 years old.
    I told a friend.
    Than i told a teacher but first i didn't know if i should tell him. Because it was so embarrassing to me. It hurt so bad to find out i was molested. I am always told it is not my fault that my uncle molested me.
    I know that.
    I never want to see him ever again.
    It will just give me reminders of them pain i went through, and the hurt i have inside from it all. I am afraid that if i go around him again,
    He will molest me again,
    I just don't want to go through it again and i don't want that happening again.
    I want him to be caught and put away for along time.
    So he can't hurt another kid.
    The day i seen the cop in my house, i took off running and jumped in the van and told the people everything that is going on.
    They felt sorry for me.
    When i did go in the house,
    I was asked by the cop if i wanted to stay at my aunt's or go in a foster home but there is only one that will take me in for like a couple days. It is hard to make a decision when you don't have many options to pick through.
    When you are at your aunt's house,
    your family keeps calling you,
    will not leave you alone,
    they harrass you too on the phone.
    You feel like why will they leave you alone.
    You are so scared,and you are damage, it is hard to explain what i felt that day.
    But i know that i didn't want to go back there.
    It was horrible to be there. When i looked out the window i was thinking my dad will get me back. i was so scared.


    But I am still a loving person and i still smile. I go to church. I help others. I never gave up, i just go on and i am a strong person because of my school and everyone that is in my life that has helped me and the police helped me also and prosecutor believed me so i am believed. No child deserves to get abused, and kids deserve to live in peace and not fear for their life and That is what i did was fear for if my dad was going to kill me. I have ptsd from everything. But i still am a loving person and i will not abuse a child. I am not going to continue the cycle. It stops with me. I want to be a foster parent but i am going to wait till i have my own place. I don't want the kids to go through what i am going through and i don't want to put them in this environment and situation.

    I am 21 years old,I graduated from high school may 28,2004.
    What i want to do with my life is work with kids with special needs.
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  3. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    Welcome! I say you are doing awesome! You've turned something bad into something good. You've also kept going....
  4. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

    One of the most rewarding jobs in the world. Not only that, but the kids appreciate it too. I take classes of kids with special needs and they ARE special. It's very tiring, but gives you a great feeling when they achieve. These kids have a far more positive attitude towards life and rarely waste time picking on each other and arguing like "mainstream" kids.

    I wish you good luck in finding your dream job!
  5. Farmer

    Farmer Active Member

    I'm shure you would make a wonderfull parent and be great working with kids. The short time I've been around here I've found it amazing the courage and strenght of the human spirit.
  6. annafennutchi

    annafennutchi Active Member

    That's great that you have chosen to work with special needs kids. They need someone with a huge heart and lots of understanding. My father has worked in Special Education for 30 years, he loves it. I have seen the results of his hard and fruitful labor. You will touch each child's life to the core and will become a part of them for the rest of ther life.
    All the luck in the world!
  7. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

    I'm so happy you found a way through. Welcome, and good luck with everything!
  8. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Hi DTB,

    You certainly are a strong person, and that is really positive in that you are finding your own direction on what you can do to help the world, and other children especially. I think it really sucks each and every time I read someone who has been abused as a child, because these so called parents, certainly aren't doing the job right.

    You need to get a license to drive a car so your not a danger, yet anyone can become a parent with no qualification or training. Like many here already, this is why parenting should come with a license... so people like yourself aren't abused when defensless, instead you are given the love, care and emotional requirements all children need. You are certainly one very strong person DTB, and that speaks very highly off yourself. Well done, and congratulations on great success coming this far.
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