Undiagnosed Hi, I hope to feel less alone with sexual trauma

foxrye

New Here
Hi, I'll go by Fox or Rye, doesn't matter much.

When I was a teen, I was sexually harassed by my younger cousin, which I told my mum about. She told me it was nothing. He sexually assaulted me over the holidays. This only happened once, technically, since I think everything else goes under harassment. I don't know if this counts as COCSA for that reason, but I will be starting therapy next week. I am now in my 20s. I've never really heard of anyone with my experiences tbh as it seems so little compared to anyone else's.

I had a fear of children, specifically ones that looked like him, for a long time. I still kinda do, but I worked in fast food for a bit so it isn't as bad now really. I did get triggered at work when a kid assaulted me there too (I don't think the kid knew what reality was so I just accepted the mum's apology and let it go). My dad has a kid that looks like he did though, which makes life hard. I feel like throwing up whenever I think of him. I think I've had flashbacks, I've had many nightmares (mostly about my parents and step parent for some reason?), and I still can't trust anyone deeply.

I do have a lot of experiences from my childhood as well but I think those are technically just classed as normal, if just a bit of bad luck. It affected me all the same. A heaping pile of parental alienation on both sides. My dad got into a big car accident (not his fault). My mum said he didn't love me and told me to ask him for money all the time. He probably abused my mum when I was a baby, before he left, so that's complicated to know as a child. Bullied. Someone threatened to jump out of a window and blame me for their injuries, once.

I hope one day I'm not afraid to sleep. Or be close to anyone. Or trust anyone. Or live through the holidays. I still live near him, but I can't afford to move right now, don't know if I ever could. I only get 10 therapy sessions for my sexual trauma so I'll have to hope it's enough to deal with life, at least.

Anyway, it might be nice to meet people. I am scared my story is too insignificant to talk to others with kinda similar experiences but at least I can tell my soon-to-be therapist I tried to talk in a forum, even if it's just the one time.
 

BIgLittle

Confident
Hi, I'll go by Fox or Rye, doesn't matter much.

When I was a teen, I was sexually harassed by my younger cousin, which I told my mum about. She told me it was nothing. He sexually assaulted me over the holidays. This only happened once, technically, since I think everything else goes under harassment. I don't know if this counts as COCSA for that reason, but I will be starting therapy next week. I am now in my 20s. I've never really heard of anyone with my experiences tbh as it seems so little compared to anyone else's.

I had a fear of children, specifically ones that looked like him, for a long time. I still kinda do, but I worked in fast food for a bit so it isn't as bad now really. I did get triggered at work when a kid assaulted me there too (I don't think the kid knew what reality was so I just accepted the mum's apology and let it go). My dad has a kid that looks like he did though, which makes life hard. I feel like throwing up whenever I think of him. I think I've had flashbacks, I've had many nightmares (mostly about my parents and step parent for some reason?), and I still can't trust anyone deeply.

I do have a lot of experiences from my childhood as well but I think those are technically just classed as normal, if just a bit of bad luck. It affected me all the same. A heaping pile of parental alienation on both sides. My dad got into a big car accident (not his fault). My mum said he didn't love me and told me to ask him for money all the time. He probably abused my mum when I was a baby, before he left, so that's complicated to know as a child. Bullied. Someone threatened to jump out of a window and blame me for their injuries, once.

I hope one day I'm not afraid to sleep. Or be close to anyone. Or trust anyone. Or live through the holidays. I still live near him, but I can't afford to move right now, don't know if I ever could. I only get 10 therapy sessions for my sexual trauma so I'll have to hope it's enough to deal with life, at least.

Anyway, it might be nice to meet people. I am scared my story is too insignificant to talk to others with kinda similar experiences but at least I can tell my soon-to-be therapist I tried to talk in a forum, even if it's just the one time.
Hej,

Welcome here. Hope you find the support your looking for. All the best.
 
P

Paula

Hi, I'll go by Fox or Rye, doesn't matter much.

When I was a teen, I was sexually harassed by my younger cousin, which I told my mum about. She told me it was nothing. He sexually assaulted me over the holidays. This only happened once, technically, since I think everything else goes under harassment. I don't know if this counts as COCSA for that reason, but I will be starting therapy next week. I am now in my 20s. I've never really heard of anyone with my experiences tbh as it seems so little compared to anyone else's.

I had a fear of children, specifically ones that looked like him, for a long time. I still kinda do, but I worked in fast food for a bit so it isn't as bad now really. I did get triggered at work when a kid assaulted me there too (I don't think the kid knew what reality was so I just accepted the mum's apology and let it go). My dad has a kid that looks like he did though, which makes life hard. I feel like throwing up whenever I think of him. I think I've had flashbacks, I've had many nightmares (mostly about my parents and step parent for some reason?), and I still can't trust anyone deeply.

I do have a lot of experiences from my childhood as well but I think those are technically just classed as normal, if just a bit of bad luck. It affected me all the same. A heaping pile of parental alienation on both sides. My dad got into a big car accident (not his fault). My mum said he didn't love me and told me to ask him for money all the time. He probably abused my mum when I was a baby, before he left, so that's complicated to know as a child. Bullied. Someone threatened to jump out of a window and blame me for their injuries, once.

I hope one day I'm not afraid to sleep. Or be close to anyone. Or trust anyone. Or live through the holidays. I still live near him, but I can't afford to move right now, don't know if I ever could. I only get 10 therapy sessions for my sexual trauma so I'll have to hope it's enough to deal with life, at least.

Anyway, it might be nice to meet people. I am scared my story is too insignificant to talk to others with kinda similar experiences but at least I can tell my soon-to-be therapist I tried to talk in a forum, even if it's just the one time.
Give yourself a gift to heal. Find a therapist who is doing EMDR therapy. Although,not an easy ride to take,it is well worth it.
 

caroline_13

Confident
Hi, I'll go by Fox or Rye, doesn't matter much.

When I was a teen, I was sexually harassed by my younger cousin, which I told my mum about. She told me it was nothing. He sexually assaulted me over the holidays. This only happened once, technically, since I think everything else goes under harassment. I don't know if this counts as COCSA for that reason, but I will be starting therapy next week. I am now in my 20s. I've never really heard of anyone with my experiences tbh as it seems so little compared to anyone else's.

I had a fear of children, specifically ones that looked like him, for a long time. I still kinda do, but I worked in fast food for a bit so it isn't as bad now really. I did get triggered at work when a kid assaulted me there too (I don't think the kid knew what reality was so I just accepted the mum's apology and let it go). My dad has a kid that looks like he did though, which makes life hard. I feel like throwing up whenever I think of him. I think I've had flashbacks, I've had many nightmares (mostly about my parents and step parent for some reason?), and I still can't trust anyone deeply.

I do have a lot of experiences from my childhood as well but I think those are technically just classed as normal, if just a bit of bad luck. It affected me all the same. A heaping pile of parental alienation on both sides. My dad got into a big car accident (not his fault). My mum said he didn't love me and told me to ask him for money all the time. He probably abused my mum when I was a baby, before he left, so that's complicated to know as a child. Bullied. Someone threatened to jump out of a window and blame me for their injuries, once.

I hope one day I'm not afraid to sleep. Or be close to anyone. Or trust anyone. Or live through the holidays. I still live near him, but I can't afford to move right now, don't know if I ever could. I only get 10 therapy sessions for my sexual trauma so I'll have to hope it's enough to deal with life, at least.

Anyway, it might be nice to meet people. I am scared my story is too insignificant to talk to others with kinda similar experiences but at least I can tell my soon-to-be therapist I tried to talk in a forum, even if it's just the one time.
Everyone's experience is different; I've struggled before with feeling that my experiences were not "significant" enough.

This is its own kind of trauma.

Being alone, and feeling that you could never be a part of something bigger, is its own form of abuse.

We are here for you: no need to substantiate or prove anything.
 

foxrye

New Here
Give yourself a gift to heal. Find a therapist who is doing EMDR therapy. Although,not an easy ride to take,it is well worth it.
I've seen a lot of ppl online talking about EMDR but I don't really know how much of anything works or how to get there tbh. There's also the possible differences between countries. Ig I will be making notes to find out any of my options as I am already planning to ask how to check if the person that assaulted me is not traumatised by someone, if there even is a way to check really as it relies on other people being honest. I kinda feel like I failed him, in a way, by not saying anything earlier. But yeah, I'll have to draft up a list of questions I need to get answered. I'm guessing they'll signpost at least.

Everyone's experience is different; I've struggled before with feeling that my experiences were not "significant" enough.

This is its own kind of trauma.

Being alone, and feeling that you could never be a part of something bigger, is its own form of abuse.

We are here for you: no need to substantiate or prove anything.
Yeah, I tell myself I'm being ridiculous and silly but then I also would myself up in the middle of the night crying that if I was on the waiting list any longer I couldn't survive it. It's funny in a very deeply sad way.
If my mum took me seriously when I said what he was doing at first, maybe this would have never happened. And I think that is what broke me the most, over time, as I instantly lost trust in anyone in the world and felt like no one ever could be relied upon to be there for me. And I still don't want to rely on someone like that ever again. It's isolation.

Thank you for your empathy and understanding.
 

SallyO

New Here
Hi, I'll go by Fox or Rye, doesn't matter much.

When I was a teen, I was sexually harassed by my younger cousin, which I told my mum about. She told me it was nothing. He sexually assaulted me over the holidays. This only happened once, technically, since I think everything else goes under harassment. I don't know if this counts as COCSA for that reason, but I will be starting therapy next week. I am now in my 20s. I've never really heard of anyone with my experiences tbh as it seems so little compared to anyone else's.

I had a fear of children, specifically ones that looked like him, for a long time. I still kinda do, but I worked in fast food for a bit so it isn't as bad now really. I did get triggered at work when a kid assaulted me there too (I don't think the kid knew what reality was so I just accepted the mum's apology and let it go). My dad has a kid that looks like he did though, which makes life hard. I feel like throwing up whenever I think of him. I think I've had flashbacks, I've had many nightmares (mostly about my parents and step parent for some reason?), and I still can't trust anyone deeply.

I do have a lot of experiences from my childhood as well but I think those are technically just classed as normal, if just a bit of bad luck. It affected me all the same. A heaping pile of parental alienation on both sides. My dad got into a big car accident (not his fault). My mum said he didn't love me and told me to ask him for money all the time. He probably abused my mum when I was a baby, before he left, so that's complicated to know as a child. Bullied. Someone threatened to jump out of a window and blame me for their injuries, once.

I hope one day I'm not afraid to sleep. Or be close to anyone. Or trust anyone. Or live through the holidays. I still live near him, but I can't afford to move right now, don't know if I ever could. I only get 10 therapy sessions for my sexual trauma so I'll have to hope it's enough to deal with life, at least.

Anyway, it might be nice to meet people. I am scared my story is too insignificant to talk to others with kinda similar experiences but at least I can tell my soon-to-be therapist I tried to talk in a forum, even if it's just the one time.
It is just degrees. Yes, that counts very much!! That is sexual assault. Your mother's reaction was very unfortunate and it is a shame she didn't validate you and protect you. What happened to you is horrible and it is not your fault in anyway. Most children tend to blame themselves for everything. I am so glad you are seeking help.
 

foxrye

New Here
It is just degrees. Yes, that counts very much!! That is sexual assault. Your mother's reaction was very unfortunate and it is a shame she didn't validate you and protect you. What happened to you is horrible and it is not your fault in anyway. Most children tend to blame themselves for everything. I am so glad you are seeking help.
It's the term 'abuse' I get stuck on. It feels like an overstatement to me but idk, I'm not an expert in anything.

Yeah, I wish my mum recognised how desperate I was to tell her something for once. I completely hated her at the time, she used to degrade me and invade my privacy constantly (I eventually told her to mind her own business, she doesn't do it anymore and our relationship has improved). Like, I wouldn't have told her if I didn't feel so horribly scared.

I told her what happened a long time after I wish she would apologise but idk, maybe that's selfish to want. It doesn't achieve anything now. I haven't asked her to. She's supportive now - she doesn't ask me to go to family events or write cards or anything for that bit of the family. I don't like much of the family anyway.

Thanks, it was difficult to do that.
 

caroline_13

Confident
I've seen a lot of ppl online talking about EMDR but I don't really know how much of anything works or how to get there tbh. There's also the possible differences between countries. Ig I will be making notes to find out any of my options as I am already planning to ask how to check if the person that assaulted me is not traumatised by someone, if there even is a way to check really as it relies on other people being honest. I kinda feel like I failed him, in a way, by not saying anything earlier. But yeah, I'll have to draft up a list of questions I need to get answered. I'm guessing they'll signpost at least.


Yeah, I tell myself I'm being ridiculous and silly but then I also would myself up in the middle of the night crying that if I was on the waiting list any longer I couldn't survive it. It's funny in a very deeply sad way.
If my mum took me seriously when I said what he was doing at first, maybe this would have never happened. And I think that is what broke me the most, over time, as I instantly lost trust in anyone in the world and felt like no one ever could be relied upon to be there for me. And I still don't want to rely on someone like that ever again. It's isolation.

Thank you for your empathy and understanding.
Yes, I also had the experience of having no one in my world that I could trust. It has profoundly affected me.

Yet, I believe it is part of God aka Source's plan for me re the type of growth I will do in this life and my journey from that hellhole to someplace at the other extreme.

I told her what happened a long time after I wish she would apologise but idk, maybe that's selfish to want. It doesn't achieve anything now.
That is a completely normal thing to want. It's only selfish in the way you want to be selfish. You matter!
 

juliana

Learning
Hi, I'll go by Fox or Rye, doesn't matter much.

When I was a teen, I was sexually harassed by my younger cousin, which I told my mum about. She told me it was nothing. He sexually assaulted me over the holidays. This only happened once, technically, since I think everything else goes under harassment. I don't know if this counts as COCSA for that reason, but I will be starting therapy next week. I am now in my 20s. I've never really heard of anyone with my experiences tbh as it seems so little compared to anyone else's.

I had a fear of children, specifically ones that looked like him, for a long time. I still kinda do, but I worked in fast food for a bit so it isn't as bad now really. I did get triggered at work when a kid assaulted me there too (I don't think the kid knew what reality was so I just accepted the mum's apology and let it go). My dad has a kid that looks like he did though, which makes life hard. I feel like throwing up whenever I think of him. I think I've had flashbacks, I've had many nightmares (mostly about my parents and step parent for some reason?), and I still can't trust anyone deeply.

I do have a lot of experiences from my childhood as well but I think those are technically just classed as normal, if just a bit of bad luck. It affected me all the same. A heaping pile of parental alienation on both sides. My dad got into a big car accident (not his fault). My mum said he didn't love me and told me to ask him for money all the time. He probably abused my mum when I was a baby, before he left, so that's complicated to know as a child. Bullied. Someone threatened to jump out of a window and blame me for their injuries, once.

I hope one day I'm not afraid to sleep. Or be close to anyone. Or trust anyone. Or live through the holidays. I still live near him, but I can't afford to move right now, don't know if I ever could. I only get 10 therapy sessions for my sexual trauma so I'll have to hope it's enough to deal with life, at least.

Anyway, it might be nice to meet people. I am scared my story is too insignificant to talk to others with kinda similar experiences but at least I can tell my soon-to-be therapist I tried to talk in a forum, even if it's just the one time.
Your stories not insignificant at all. It's really important to open up about that type of stuff. It's up to you if you talk about it or not there no pressure to and doing so can definitely be really helpful. I got sexually assulted and witnessed the same person sexual assult some of my closest friends by this bully in highschool in the same night. I eventually now that I am an adult reconnect with one of my friends that got sexually assulted at the same time I did and we are friends again. I have flashbacks and days were it makes it so I can sleep also. My anxiety been really high lately especially. What about you?

**I can't figure how to edit that but the person that sexual assulted me and my best friends is Alex.
 
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