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Sufferer Hi, i think i have a form of ptsd, i have a blank mind and massive anxiety and obssessive thinking.

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alex911

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Hi, my story is kind of special i think.. but i may have just found the final piece of the puzzle to my condition. About 11 years ago i started developing more and more anxiety and I felt self-conscious about myself even more than before. Basically Through half of my elementary and all my high school i was heavily bullied on a daily basis. It was horrible, and i dont wish it on anyone. It was all psychological/emotional as i never got into physical fights or anything(cause i either avoided the bullies or didn't stand up for myself back then) but it was constant and overwhelming. (lots of name calling and laughing at). Over the years I felt more and more self-conscious over my appearence..(even thought i looked totally fine and normal) i let those losers convince me i looked bad and they really had cut into my self-esteem and got me obssessed over my appearence.

Ok back to 11 years ago,(im in my late twenties today) i had lots of anxiety and eventually got racing thoughts(horrible feeling), along with derealisation and so on. After spending a few months with a psychologist(who did help me feel somewhat better by talking, i had NEVER talked about being bullied once to anyone through my entire life till then, i was too proud.) my condition was getting worse(more anxiety and all i mentioned) so i went to see a psychiatrist. He perscribed me seroquel 25mg. I took it for a few days and i started feeling really terrific. Then he told me to increase it to 50 mg, i took it and felt even better. Not only did my condition improve(drasticly low anxiety, smiling for the first time in years for real, positive thinking, INTERNAL THOUGHTS with an actual dialogue that I had not remembered truly experiencing or having through most of my life. It was a wonderful feeling, i was finally normal. To be clear i read about a thread on here with people who took drugs and developped ptsd with anxiety, and they got the blank mind "no thoughts" effect and they become stuck that way. My whole condition has nothing to do with illegal drugs(unless u count seroquel), but basicly after i started seroquel is the first time i clearly experienced my full thoughts/creative thinking/deep focus/internal dialogue, somehow even my vision improved in a unique way(I could see black and white as much"deeper" coloring, like if i read a black and white dragon ball z manga, it looked beautiful compared to before(even today when im less anxious i see better in this way.)

Still with me? ok, so what happened after i was on seroquel at 50mg?, about 3 days later i got a psychosis. This severely disabled me for a very long time,and big suprise, when i was around people it was unbearable, i would get extreme anxiety and negative thinking/thoughts, obssessively. For two years i had to stay home cause just going outside made me feel terrible, oh and i couldnt do anything. Anything i did gave me extreme anxiety. Anyway this psychosis also basicly made all my benefits from the seroquel, come and go, they were more gone than on though. Meaning my benefits from the 50 mg seroquel, clarity of thoughts, reduced anxiety, increased concentration and focus/creative thinking, improved mood, relaxation in general,better memory, they all became like a percentage of how much they were present(best way to explain it). The better i feel, (if im for example having a good day or im alone and not around tons of people, the things i mentioned improve by a percentage. If im feeling decent lets say, my anxiety is 30% reduced, if i feel worse its 20% reduced. The same for the other aspects like i feel really good, i can be 15% aware of my thoughts, were as if i feel worse its 10% and so on. Even the vision thing i mentioned, depth of black and white(even numbers on a phone in black look brighter and beautiful lol) were as things look deeper, better/more colorful(black ink especially) the better I feel(since less anxiety=better vision in many cases i guess).

So now that thats out of the way i will continue. After about 2 years after my psychosis, i changed psychiatrist and he completely changed my treatment and i improved drastically. I started on high dose omega 3s daily, adjusted my medications,(stayed on seroquel but added stuff like abilify/epival/ paxil and so on. I started going out more, could stand being around people more, had less obssessive thoughts and so on. My anxiety when alone was much lower, when around people though, it improved but to this day it remains very strong(but not always overwhelming like before). The psychiatrist also diagnosed me with aspergers(hence the omega 3s and all,) BUT let me be clear that all the things ive mentioned so far are pretty much comorbid problems. My entire life i had aspergers but I am so high functioning that its very difficult to tell when you see/speak to me, however my psychiatrist is an expert in this field and has easily over a hundred patients with the condition.Again, my condition could be influencing me to be worse where the level of anxiety and my obssessive thinking is a bit worse, but thats all(as said by my pdoc). My social skills are good(when im not so anxious i cant think and concentrate mostly) but i am a mild case.

Finally, the point of my post is this--> i just figured out that my extreme anxiety around people and even from stepping outside my house(while it has improved ALOT over many years) is still very significant, that it could be a form of ptsd. I have never had a second psychosis, i am not depressed, my aspergers is entirely mild and under control, my self conscious thinking of anxiety from that has improved, my obsessive thoughts have gotten decently better, yet the horrible experiences from bulliying in AND sometimes out of school, no matter how long ago and how much cbt/meds ive taken, are still with me. That is the truth i have just figured out today, ptsd is the missing link. For years ive wondered why do people give me massive anxiety, and when i go out its really strong too, now it makes sense.. i was bullied so strongly for so long that im more or less conditioned into a ptsd state of mind(but I am on a few medications which is why I have improved alot and i am still relatively stable).

So, first I have never had bad flashbacks or anything like that, other than the occasional dream of being bullied. However i still think i have some kind of ptsd(or even a mild form thats there 24/7) since it explains alot. Also i have been on meds for over 10 years (even before my psychosis happened so that could explain why i never experienced severe flashbacks or anything like that.
To conclude this, do you guys think i really do have a form of this problem?(i am pretty sure myself as its been around 10 years of hard work(research meds, some therapy etc.) but not once did I or anyone think of mentioning ptsd(mostly because i never have flashbacks i guess). I honestly think that whatever the answer to that question may be I COULD benefit from some kind of ptsd medication. I am not sure which would be good for me, but i am on antipsychotics/antidepressants and so on, with limited effectiveness. I am taking seroquel, abilify, epival, remeron, pindolol, and synthroid, today. They have helped but i still have the feeling that (people are laughing at me and so on) the second im around someone or that i go out of the house. Its somewhat worse with intimidating people also.

Let me know if you guys have any advice, or know of any meds that could be useful for me. Thanks so much for reading!
 
Welcome to the forums!

No one here has the ability to diagnose and self diagnosis can be a precarious path to take. What you describe about being afraid to leave the house can occur with many mental health conditions, including but limited to PTSD.

Have you discussed the possiblity of having PTSD with your treating providers?
 
Hey @alex911 please don't try to self diagnose. Its not safe. We can't diagnose you either.

I would suggest being open and honest with your treatment team. See what they say.
 
To conclude this, do you guys think i really do have a form of this problem?(i am pretty sure myself as its been around 10 years of hard work(research meds, some therapy etc.) but not once did I or anyone think of mentioning ptsd(mostly because i never have flashbacks i guess). I honestly think that whatever the answer to that question may be I COULD benefit from some kind of ptsd medication.

From what you've written... It doesn't sound like it. For PTSD to even be a possibility there has to have been life threatening trauma, which you haven't mentioned. It wouldn't be the lack of flashbacks, it would be the lack of CriterionA trauma. Every other facet of PTSD is found in other other disorders, including the disorders you've already been diagnosed with, except that piece.

There also isn't PTSD medication, per se. People with PTSD are often medicated temporarily with medications designed to help the worst of the symptoms for a very short period of time, until they can stabilize and process their traumas. But there's no long-term (or even short term) medication for PTSD. Instead you'll see people taking antianxiety medication, antidepressants, blood pressure medication for nightmares, etc. It's really only usually when a person has a comorbid disorder that you'll see them on meds long term, and then it's not treating their PTSD, it's treating their depression, anxiety, etc.

As others have said, speak to your doctor. But without the death, threat of death, or sexual violence? I wouldn't expect a lightbulb to suddenly flash.

For more on PTSD Diagnosis? Try reading here : PTSD Diagnosis - What is PTSD? Understand The Signs of PTSD
 
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