Sufferer Hi, I'm Maddie - 24, married, a mother of 2, and trans. Recently diagnosed with cPTSD

maddiebtw

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Hi, I'm Maddie (she/her). I'm 24, married, a mother of 2, and trans. I was recently diagnosed with cPTSD after years of trying to keep my trauma to myself and just manage. I realize now that that was a mistake, not that there's anything that I can do about it now except be grateful that I'm finally getting the help I need (and that I finally got my head out of my ass, lol).

I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused from the time of my earliest memories until I moved out of my parents' house at 18. I married my best friend from down the street and we moved across the country to get away from my family. Things were initially very difficult for us, what with being recently independent adults in a new city without any friends or financial stability. Making matters worse, I tended to isolate myself from my wife because emotional and physical intimacy were very difficult for me and I couldn't really explain why. She wasn't aware of the full extent of my abuse, but she was patient and supportive so I gradually opened up to her more about what happened. Even so, I continued to avoid getting help while the nightmares, hypervigilance, panic attacks, trust issues, and emotional outbursts kept getting worse. Shortly after my first child was born, I came out to my wife as trans and began medical transition and getting psychiatric help. I didn't immediately tell my psychiatrist about my abuse because I wasn't comfortable sharing and because I thought that it would interfere with my access to transition related care. It wasn't until a few years later--last month--that I finally told my psychiatrist everything.

I'm medicated now and waiting to start therapy. I found this forum from the wikipedia page for PTSD and lurked for a few weeks until I was sure it was a community worth joining. I'm not a particularly optimistic person, but my symptoms and life circumstances have substantially improved enough to warrant cautious optimism about the future. Some days are better than others, naturally, but f*ck it 🤷‍♀️. I'm just trying to give my wife and kids a good life, which naturally entails taking care of myself, but I take solace in the meantime in the thought that all the pain I have felt will disappear completely when I eventually die (I know that reads like a downer ending but just roll with it, lol).
 
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