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Hi It's Me - Fighting For Myself

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Burn, Mar 27, 2007.

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  1. Burn

    Burn Active Member

    Oh, well that won't be easy for me ... ^^

    You see i've been raised in an family, but mostly they didn't understand me, my problems started maybe when i was 5? That was a year after the death of my best friend. I had to learn to be alone, fight for myself against the groups, hold back emotions. ... School was shit, didn't interest me, the teacher thought i weren't able to do the work ... well i think i proved them wrong ... heh. Beatings were something like normal, i guess once a week with guys from school or neighbourhood. ... People thought that i was the bad boy ... i didn't want them to think that so i tried hold in my anger ... and that made it easier for the other boys ... it was easy to kick me, 'coz i didn't react ... until well, the glass was full ... and i ****ing hit the shit out of them ... broken nose, broken legs and stuff ... effect: next time there were about 5 to 10 guys after me.
    From my family i was told i made problems and should hold my aggressions back. Well that didn't make it any better, i guess.

    When i was about 11 my mothe attempted suicide, and as fine as she was ... she told me that her psychiatrist told her that her problems were mainly caused by me (12 years later i finally found out that she had psychosis). But somehow, i recovered through socialising with my friends, playing lots of computer games to shut out the rest of the world, smoking weed, drinking ... well all in all i guess i had some fun. I had this girl, we broke up, i struggled again, get another girl, had a long term relationship. Life was good and mostly easy, i was calm.

    Then my best friend was diagnosed cancer (uh, we had something like that 15 years ago, didn't we?), i broke up with my girlfriend (that was hard) got a place to study psychology and computer science at an university (stupid teachers, couldn't see my abilities) ... the cancer thingie didn't work to well ... working at university over the week, caring of the familiy and my best friend at the weekend ... times in the hospital weren't that good ... you see when you get leukemia they will have to kill your immune system to build it up with cells from someone else (a brother or so), so actually you will have AIDS without HIV, and that needs treatment in full isolation, means highly heated food, filtered air, no body contact to other people, speaking through phones while watching through a glass window, having no hair ...

    Then ... for now i normally didn't see or talk to my old family ... the family of my best friend had become something like my family ... her brother died in an road accident ... just when i thought "well, it might get better now" ... the father of my best friend started heavy drinking, finally becoming a noble guest of the local hospital ... my best friend had complications after treatment ... the immune system didn't go up to well ... resulting in an infection with herpes zoster ... destroying the right eye, eyebrow, hair on the right side of the face, nerves ... finally causing phantom pains (that didn't recover, also its back 3 years now and maybe 20(?) handlings of the best professionals we could find in my country). When my best friend became immune to morphine, i occasionally smuggled weed into the country since it helped a bit.

    Sometime around there i had to go to distance from my new family ... university didn't work well any longer ... i had absolutely no fun with nothing. I didn't eat good food, cause my money was consumed by 3, sometimes 4 partys a week. At some point i got angry again ... when i was drunk i mobbed others, that happened 4 times ... that was something i didn't want so i pressed "full stop", got clean, clean as "i don't even drink coffe or smoke cigarettes". ... got a new home with 3 girls from university :D ... started to do workout, woke up every morning at 6, learned and learned and learned ... after some time this didn't work any longer ... i was concentrated but couldn't learn the stuff, then concentration got lost ... so actually ... i started to take cold, very cold showers ... hit myself in the face to stay where i was, to stay awake, stay focused ... to not become aware that i had no more goals in my life.

    Then i got in contact with some politicians, and well ... when you have no goals you get the next you can grasp for. But since i by now was thinking for myself ... i found out in about a year, that all these people (even the ones that stood most near to me) had ideologies that they thought were mandatory for everyone ... and that was something that did go against my ideology, everyone should be free to think and feel what he or she or it does. These people mostly weren't even aware that their ideologies were ideologies and not necessarily facts ... so they thought the other were "bad" ... this thinking still makes me vomit. But till then it was okay, somehow ... then these people thought that i should adapt their ideologies and attacked me ... 4 on 1 mostly (what was that in school?) ... i couldn't really use my intellect 'coz i was so occupied to not go ****ing nuts and smack them and that made me more angry 'coz i could always give good answers ... afterwards, when everything had cooled down.

    Again i broke up ... i didn't see a chance to get along with these people ... maybe now i could ... but my views have changed since i had time ... and took time for me. That started when i was standing on the balcony of my new flat and ... well saw ... i mean SAW ... myself falling down the 7 floors. ... It was then that i could no more deny that i had a problem. ... So i took sessions with a psychiatrist ... took 6 months off, did meditation (Zazen, good stuff), relaxing, sports, and reading all sorts of information about depression, anxiety (since i had developed problems with crowds around 20 people), ptsd, THC, the brain, and so on.

    Now ... again over a year later. I have recovered mostly ... slowly i'am giving my anger the room it needs ... since i found out for me that when i hide it and push it somewhere else inside of me, i won't be able to feel anything of myself ... i call it the flatline ... because then there is nothing, only emptiness and no motor that keeps me running.

    Slowly i see the good things of my ... let's call it odyssey ... it made me able to get the brain running in situations that most others would confuse totally ... but sometimes i have problems to tkae some gears back. It showed me that there is no solid right or false, it all depends on views and information you have or don't. It showed me that there is no ideology whatsoever that is worth anything as long as i feel that this ideology is right for me. It showed me that emotions are the one and only thing that really matters, and rationality should be a tool for these. It showed me that i wasn't the dumbass, but that some people could not understand what i was thinking, because they weren't mentally capable (i checked my iq by the psychiatrist ... its over 140, thats where the tests get fuzzy so no more accuracy is need, about 0,2% of humans have an iq that high or higher). I see no way to hate again, i can't even hate myself for the anger. I can't hate myself or others for what they did, letting me alone, me letting others alone, since it was what we had to do, 'coz we couldn't think or feel elseway.

    It showed me one thing that others find out when they are 60, but i've learned finally with 25. Nothing is granted, every moment is a gift. Even the sad moments are gifts.

    It showed me that this is my life, and that i am the one who chooses. Freedom happens in my brain, my mind, my body. I am ultimately free. (Not of consequences though ... heh)

    To anyone who read this: I wish that you realize that you as a person are precious, that you are precious just how you are, how you feel, and that you are an enrichment for all our lives. Maybe you can find yourself and love this person, this person needs your help and love.

    P.S. There's much i didn't mention ... flashbacks and those. But the heck, those are only symptoms.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Welcome to the forum burn...
  4. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

    hey, burn. welcome to the forum
  5. mouse

    mouse Well-Known Member

    welcome burn, hop you find this a good place to start to heal
  6. map9

    map9 Active Member


    Dear Burn, Hope you can find a lot of information here to help you on your odyssey. This really is a great place for getting on the road to wellness. Glad you found it. Love, map9
  7. Burn

    Burn Active Member

    Thanks, nice to see you all.

    Especially thanks to anthony for this forum and the superb subtitle to my story. I guess it has two meanings: I am fighting alone, i am fighting to reach myself.
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