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Hi - PTSD For 30 Years

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by cactus_jack, Apr 30, 2007.

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  1. cactus_jack

    cactus_jack I'm a VIP

    Hiya. I'm new to this forum. Browsed around to see if ti's what I need, and since there aren't any other PTSD sites that have the same amount of info, I'd venture a guess that it is.

    I have PTSD, and after reviewing professional publications regarding PTSD and Complex PTSD I would say I have been dealing with it for over 30 years.

    I have a wide assortment of abuses I have faced, and right now facing prison. Because of all of this, in this thread I'm expounding primarily on the abuse related to my impairment (I cannot go into too much detail for now), so I'll try to be brief-
    I have been
    my home burned to the ground
    kicked out of college
    falsely charged
    falsely arrested
    drugged up by the doctors using the wrong drugs
    and at least one case of attempted murder.

    I have been refused housing, empolyment and schooling because of both my impairment and my PTSD.

    Right now I am facing upto 9 years in prison becausea man broke into my home and threatened me for money. The only way I got him to leave was one step short of shooting him.

    I have no right to privacy, nor to self-defense, I have no right to my own religion, and has been proven repeatedly in the past if anyone what money from me they can literally do anything they want to me to get it.

    I cannot hold a full time job because of my PTSD, I cannot sleep, I cannot be awake, nearly every minute of my life is ull of nightmares, daymares and literally, nothing but terror to the point that I have grown accustomed to it.

    When I was arrested, I actually felt more comfortable going to jail than being in my home. Because in jail if anyone does anything to me, they get locked up in solitary. I have a hard time beleiving that I actually felt safer in jail. But it's true.

    Right now filled with a wide assortment of feelings and emotions, to the point they are all literally canceling each other out. So I can't add much more to it than that.

    But I am tired of living nothing but terror. I just want a peaceful life.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    Hi CJ, welcome to the forum. Well, I must say you have certainly had nothing short off eventful thus far... and I hope it only gets better for you from this point forward. Nothing surprises me with the law, as it is designed to protect criminals instead of victims. I look forward to chatting with you more, and have no doubt you can get plenty of information and support here.
  4. cactus_jack

    cactus_jack I'm a VIP

    Thank you Anthony.

    I am now working with a female counselor, and while she admits she has little knowledge of PTSD she is willing to learn. Sad part is the more she says she learns the more prone she is to tell me I don't have PTSD. That's ok. She's learning and will soon learn what it is.

    It's an ironic funny, as I have been trying for over 11 years to become rehabilitated via state vocational rehabilitation programs. Doctors have prescribed medications for me in the past, ranging from depakote, risperidal, paxil and lithobid. There's other, but I don't recall their names. I find it ironic because in several instances other doctors have looked at the reports and they cannot understand WHY I was on these medications. I was diagnosed as bi-polar, but even I can tell I never was when I look at the standards for diagnosing it.

    Now, I'm on no meds, though I am taking nutritional suppliments. That baffles me, there. I tried St. John's wort, and it was successful, as was chromium picolinate. But I found other nutrients that can level out my mental issues far better than any medication ever did, and for .0389 the price (yes I hit a calculator for that! lol!).

    Anthony, I am so sick and tired of moving. I have relocated over 60 times in the past 20 years because of my PTSD and the inability of others to respect it/me. Worse of all is privacy. I have none. When people finally find the intimate details about my life that they wanted, they find themselves disgusted and take it out on me.

    Right now all of my efforts to deal with my PTSD is on the back burner because of the criminal case I'm dealing with.

    Anthony, reflecting back on how past traumatic experiences developed my persona to the point it is now, it terrifies me to think of what I'll become if I go to prison. I know that deep inside there is an animal that is fed up with being beaten and tortured and if that animal gets loose, as I feel prison will set it free, I can envision so much evil it is capable of.

    That animal is my inner child. The same child that has just plain had it. The same child that only wants peace and wants healed. But that's also the same child that bears so many scars and has so much hatred within his life, that he becomes unable to control himself or more like willing to control himself. He just wants to lash out and make others hurt as he has been or feels he has been hurt.

    Know what I mean?
  5. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    CJ, the majority of people within jails you will find have PTSD or a mild form of it, being suffering from trauma within their lives. Counsellors within prisons should actually be near experts with PTSD. No, jail is not the optimal place to deal with these things, however; if that is what it comes down too, jail is not the enemy either, in actual fact you may just find yourself healing more whilst in their than you could in civilian society. I know I have done some serious healing when isolated from the world, though when reintroduced to the world I slowly got agitated again. Basically, I had to learn how to manage PTSD in order to live with it in society, instead of hiding or fighting myself / PTSD / society constantly.
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