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Hi there! The series of unfortunate events

Dear Diary?
This is weird, I usually just write in an actual book, but I wanna share this with ppl who might get it, or maybe not! As that feels like the ever constant trend in my life. Some things about me; I’m bitter, I love all animals ?, they don’t betray you. I have ehlers Danlos, fibromyalgia, severe social anxiety and I have experienced many, many traumas in my life. Growing up my dad was never around and suffers from schizophrenia, my mom had an eating disorder and a lot of other shit going on. Right now in this moment, I am suicidal, I cannot cope with the pain, physical and mental. I’m not posting for pity, or even sympathy, I’m quite angry rn in fact. My neighbors bully me for my disability, even though I haven’t done a f*cking thing to them. I desperately just want all this torment to end, it’s coming at me from every direction. I have no hope left, I can’t see a future where I will ever climb over this gigantic pile of obstacles. I love nature, and it inspires my poetry. My cousin drugged and raped me in the middle of a forest when I was 17, I was a virgin, and I haven’t been able to have any type of romantic relationship or even sex since. I almost have 2 degrees; anthropology and philosophy. Ppl make up rumours about me all the time, I’ve always been the easy target. I don’t really like most humans, that’s putting it gently. I paint and sketch sometimes, I’ve sold one painting but mostly I just give them away. I feel worthless. I was bullied a lot at one school I went to, besides that, one of my female cousins tied me up at her house, drew on my face with sharpie, duck taped my mouth and made me walk back to school like that. My neighbor spied on me through my window while I was naked then drunkenly yelled about what a slut I am later that night. Then he accused me of egging his car, told everyone this rumour, I guess to cover his ass, thanks man, I almost killed myself that day. My body is aching right now, idk how to describe this, but my heart feels swollen with pain, like it’ll rupture into my chest cavity. I have an illness with no cure, and no treatment, I was told this on Monday. I hope I have the vascular kind, at least that one kills pretty young. I have too much hurt. I’ve had therapists and medications that don’t help, I think maybe just too much has happened to me. Idk maybe you can relate, but I hope you can’t, I don’t want anyone feeling like this. Well maybe I’d wish it on a few.
 
Hi, @Theverytiredgirl - welcome.

Was Ehlers-Danlos the diagnosis you most recently got (that you refer to, above)? I don't know much about it except that it's quite rare and very hard to live with. I'm sorry to hear you've been diagnosed with it.

Are you seeing any kind of therapist right now? It sounds like there's a lot that someone could be helping you with.
 
Hi, @Theverytiredgirl - welcome.

Was Ehlers-Danlos the diagnosis you most recently got (that you refer to, above)? I don't know much about it except that it's quite rare and very hard to live with. I'm sorry to hear you've been diagnosed with it.

Are you seeing any kind of therapist right now? It sounds like there's a lot that someone could be helping you with.
Yes it was, kind of lol(EDS) Super disconcerting appointment, I have a therapist, she’s new, I don’t really like her, but I generally like very few ppl. I guess it doesn’t matter, I’m doing Neurofeedback with her, idk might help. I got sent to her for ptsd but I don’t seem to fit the criteria, it’s just turned into trust issues and bitterness. Yes EDS is hell, everyone’s has diff symptoms it’s just pain and inability to move, I though I was dealing with it well, I don’t take handfuls of painkillers, I almost never cry, but that appointment was the end of the road, there’s nothing they can do for me, and I just broke I think. Then now I’m in a black hole, started cutting which was a huge disappointment, I like wasn’t really there you know. Very weird, I haven’t done that in 8 years.
 
How funny! I've always called my traumas My Series of Unfortunate Events. Great minds think alike!

One thing that might help -- My T was sure that as we deal with the ptsd issues my fibro pain will lessen - and I am starting to see that. So hopefully the neuro feedback will help you get some good results in pain relief if nothing else
 
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