His Request-what Do I Do??

[yvan33]

So my boyfriend of 8 months is going through a stressful time i believe its because his mom is going to get surgery in the next week. He does not admit to it, in fact he is not getting along with her relcently. Underneath it all i think he's worried but doesnt know how to express it. I try to be there for him in fact, i brought up the situation because hes been treating me bad ( walking all over me). I try to comfort him and tell him she will be ok. I understand he is going through a tough time but i need to let him know that its not excuse for him to treat people in that manner. He was good for half a day after i brought it up to his attention but the following day he regressed. That day i left earlier than usual from our date because of his behavior towards me, and he got angry at that. He told me that he will not need me the day his mother has surgery. Im unsure if i should belive him and not show up to visit or to be there anyway. I dont want to trigger him. If he really needs to be alone that day then im more than happy to give him that space, but then again if he really does need me i want to be there. Also, out of common courtesy for his mother i would want to visit to see how she is doing. Should i just visit the day after? I dont know what to do, any suggestions?

 

[scout86]

but then again if he really does need me i want to be there.

That's a lovely sentiment and there's no harm in telling him, so you're sure he knows. And, you could also tell him that you want to be able to visit his mother "when would be a good time?" Although it might be easier to answer that after the surgery.

This business of playing mind reading games rarely goes well. If he wants you to be there, he probably should learn to speak up. If he says he doesn't want you to be there, you should be able to take him at his word. There IS a slight difference between "I don't WANT you to be there" and "I don't NEED you to be there". You might want to be sure of which he meant.

 

[yvan33]

That's a lovely sentiment and there's no harm in telling him, so you're sure he knows. And, you could al...

Thank you!
Yesterday He previously had asked me if i wanted to go with him to the hospital the day of the surgery, i said i would go after work because i cant call out. Then when i left our night date earlier than usual (if you know what i mean) because of his behavior towards me he got upset. I called him when i got home and thats when he told me that he wasnt going to need me the day of surgery. I think it was a result of me leaving early so i dont know how to take it. He said NEED, so youre saying if he really means he doesnt WANT me there to take it for what it is, but if he means NEED i should still insist?

 

[scout86]

What I'm saying is that I, personally, am pretty specific in my language. So, if I tell someone I want them to come with me, it means exactly that. That I'd like it, appreciate it, enjoy it, etc. If I tell them I NEED them to, it means I don't think I can manage without them. (I don't say that very often.) I'm not sure about your bf. Don't know him, so I don't know how he uses language. Your reasoning on why he might have said what he said makes sense. I guess, if it was me, and I wanted to go, or wanted him to know I was willing to go, I might try one more time for clarity and say something like, "I know you said you don't need me to go. But, do you want me to go? Because I care about you and your mother and I'd really love to be there for you. But, if you feel like this is something you need to do alone, I'm ok with that too." Only if it's true, of course.

It seems like, often, things between people get messed up because we think we know how other people are thinking, or think they should know how we're thinking. Sometimes that actually works but more often, we're looking at the same thing differently and don't know it until we check in with each other.