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History repeating itself

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jaay

Learning
Hey there, bit of a vent post here, I guess. This kid joined the year below mine in school at the start of September. This kid bears a striking resemblance to a guy that once did stuff to me on a school bus, and I'm pretty sure it is that guy. This happened 1 and a bit years ago, and I'd been trying to repress the memories, thinking if I just didn't talk about it, it'd go away. But now he's here, it's all coming back. This same thing happened around 2 years ago, when I moved schools and found a different abuser that I'd tried to forget about at that school. Now I can't walk the corridors without checking every corner, I'm even more hypervigilant, having more flashbacks than ever and suicide idealisation is back. Last time I was in this situation, I lasted one year before I moved schools. I only have to last one year now, but I'm starting to feel that I'm reaching the limit of how many times people like this can be faced. What do you do when your one safe-ish place is taken from you??
New kid lives a couple streets from me, old abuser is on my street. Welp.
 
I have a friend that knows about my situation, but she goes to another school, and everyone that knows about past trauma are all friends from other schools. My mother has no idea, I've never spoken about anything that's happened with anyone to an adult figure, my father is one of the trauma creators so I highly distrust adult figures. Also, mum has a tendency to start screaming and yelling at me when she finds out about mental health problems, which I'm sure you know is about the last thing that's needed.
 
@jaay - are there any mental health support services within your high school? It sounds like you've not been to see a therapist, and I'm also wondering how you feel about that possibility...having a place to talk about this stuff with real people in 3-D space can be a big help, in terms of coping. Online services are good too, they just are different.

What are your thoughts - and what are the barriers towards getting help?
 
Hi @jaay
That sounds very hard. Agreed with the above. Especially re a school counselor. Totally understand not trusting adult figures. Sometimes we need to try to take those big steps to get help though. Not all people are the same. Some are safe and can be helpful. It might even be worth dealing with your mothers hysterics and judgment if it means you get the right support. Its not OK that you don't have someone who can help you with this.
 
@joeylittle there are a couple support workers, but the most they tend to do is tell you to be happy every morning, and pay almost no attention- they're not the best, not by a long shot. Also, the CAMHS system here is notoriously horrific- the waiting lists can be a year, they take ages to diagnose you, and they end up just referring you back to online support forums. Pretty crap system

@grit it's not your fault, thank you for your sympathy. I think I can get through this year if I just focus on escaping in May (end of high school, off to college), hopefully

@Abstract the pastoral team are already somewhat aware I have trouble mentally. The most they know is that I'm FtM transgender- their approach to that was to get one of the mental health women to use excessive female pronouns when referring to me, and recommend an online group, so I have no idea what they'd do if I went to them with this. My mum's aware I've been through abuse with my father, and protects me from her, but she has no idea about the other two- she'd end up making me move schools/ going to the police, and at this point in my education, it's the last thing I need. I'm thinking of telling an in school friend or two though, there are a couple that've always said they'll help me out if anything like this happens.
 
If she is aware of your father stuff what about seeing if she will organise outside therapy for you with a proper trauma therapist. Someone with trauma knowledge can make such a difference. You could maybe ask her if you can do it and say you will do the research to find the right person. Someone who is going to be helpful with the transgender stuff too.
 
I was really abused at home and bullied at school too. Felt like I had no one to turn to which led me to being a mess of anxiety and anger all of the time. I think it's best if you get a therapist who can really help you. You won't regret it and honestly, the sooner you do this, the sooner you can deal with these issues so they won't scar the rest if your life. If your family can't be there to help you, like mine wasn't, quietly take control into your hands & seek out people who can help you. When you're ready to reach out, you'll be surprised by how many people are willing to help, and yes not everyone you encounter will be helpful, and don't let that discourage you.. You keep on going until you find the one that will, because you deserve to have a happy life.
 
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