Hitting a brick wall at full speed.

Weezley

Learning
About 2 weeks ago life started to feel like it was starting to get back to normal I was feeling good my birthday was looking like it was going to be a good day. The day before it I started to have some really dark flashbacks. It pretty much boiled down to my dad almost chocked me to death and didn't try to revive me when I was 11. This one's been a beast to over come. My anxioty has been at max ever since. I know I don't have alot of tools to deal with anxioty. Meditation and cardio are all I have besides my meds. I've been on a wait list to see a counselor for a while. Any advise would be helpful.

I feel like a broken record every time I post on hear. But I know it's better to come here to talk instead of picking up a bottle. Everyone on here has been so kind. I'd like to say thank you all for building such a positive and up lifting community. If I didn't have this forum group I think I would have given up months ago. So thanks for giving me the hope to keep trying to get better.
 

Weezley

Learning
My dad was violent also. Flashbacks are awful, I'm sorry. It causes terrible depression amongst other things. I'm an alcoholic but haven't drunk or smoked for 5 months. Hope you feel better soon.
Keep up the good work. I know alcoholism isn't an easy thing to get a handle on. I've watched family and friends get taken down by it and wasted a good portion of my life black out drunk. It's common place here to be high functioning alcoholics so to give it up I've become the odd duck out. But I guess I'm fine with that.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Keep up the good work. I know alcoholism isn't an easy thing to get a handle on. I've watched family and friends get taken down by it and wasted a good portion of my life black out drunk. It's common place here to be high functioning alcoholics so to give it up I've become the odd duck out. But I guess I'm fine with that.
yeah alcohol just makes things worse. You've got to do what's best for you. I don't even miss it. Well done for stopping.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah that's right, you have better health and more money. I still feel pretty shit frequently but I can deal with my thoughts and feelings alot better. I don't get really angry with people like I used to.
 

Weezley

Learning
Yeah that's right, you have better health and more money. I still feel pretty shit frequently but I can deal with my thoughts and feelings alot better. I don't get really angry with people like I used to.
I felt terrible the first year. It truelly takes the body awhile to build it's way back up. I think I'm on year 5 or 6. I truelly stopped counting. But I hope you keep it up. There's alot more to life then hiding behind a bottle. If you fall off the wagon it's not the end of the world either. Were only human. Just know theres alot of good people who are willing to help you get back up. I think the anger was the worst and it was always miss placed. I know I still have lots of things to make up for now adays because of it. It's not a bad thing that I feel guilty for yelling or taking a few swings at some shit heads that probably deserved it but it reminds me it's not worth it. Spread alittle bit of kindness instead of flying off the handle.
 

Weezley

Learning
Tonight has been a bad night. I made it 2 hours into my shift at work and just broke down. I had to have my fiance pick me up. It took her a couple of hours to calm me down. I told her everything I had been hiding. That my will to live is gone and I've been masking my emotions just to try to get threw the days. I've even came clean and told her Ive had suicidal thoughts. So today were going to get a hold of my primary Dr and find out what we can do. Hope just seems like it's slipping further and further away and I'm dragging everyone down with me. So hopefully they can find something that works and maybe get me in to see a counselor soon.

I felt so ashamed of the fact that I wasn't being honest with her or anyone. But it's hard to admit when things are getting bad. I've had a couple relationships just flat out end because I was honest my mental health. I guess I was affriad she would leave me too. Now that I think back I wish I would have told her sooner. Shes a great women and I'm so lucky she's in my life.

From now on I'll try to be alittle more open on here to. Your all great people that have been threw or going threw the same stuff. There is no reason I should suffer in silence. I need to open up and learn from everyone. So I'm going to put a big effort into opening up more not only the bad days but the good days as well. I hope you all have a good day and I'm sure I'll be back on here after I get some sleep and get some things figured out.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Weezley, I can remember saying in an AA group once that I felt like if had a breakdown because I was feeling so shit. And one man said 'maybe it was a Break through'.....I'm sorry that you felt so unwell but it sounds like this may enable you to open up more. We often hide our feelings because we don't want to unload on people or appear weak. But bottling up our thoughts and feelings just makes us unwell. It's good to open up to your partner. I hope you get help. Best wishes S3.😊
 

Weezley

Learning
Hi @Weezley, I can remember saying in an AA group once that I felt like if had a breakdown because I was feeling so shit. And one man said 'maybe it was a Break through'.....I'm sorry that you felt so unwell but it sounds like this may enable you to open up more. We often hide our feelings because we don't want to unload on people or appear weak. But bottling up our thoughts and feelings just makes us unwell. It's good to open up to your partner. I hope you get help. Best wishes S3.😊
Thanks. That makes alot of sense. I've been walling my self off from almost everyone I know. I even though getting rid of all my social media accounts was going to help me but all it did was cause even more isolation. I know I have more fight left in me. I won't let this take me down. :) I just need to learn not to make bad decisions when I'm have a bad moment.
 
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