Hitting Limits With Parents And Best Friend

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Thanks for reading. I feel like at the moment I have no one to talk to. Keeping busy with my last semester of school helps, so I am just going to vent a little here, get some work done, and check back tonight to see where this thread goes.

Three things on my mind:

1) I have been hired into what most people, including me, consider a dream job. Advanced controls engineering at an energy company. I will relocate in January and again in April. After April I get to live within 5 hours of my best friend, who I once dated, but he moved away, and now we talk almost daily by text, phone, skype. I'm nervous because this is a tough job and relocating twice is very disruptive for PTSD. My therapist will help me find new counselors and psychiatrists. She said to get the support set up right away so I at least have it in place if things get rough as I try to settle into my new life.

2) My parents yelled at me for an hour last weekend for not being happy enough at this opportunity. I'm not one to get excited, but also relocating twice, and learning a very challenging job, is scary! I'm afraid I won't cut it there. Also, my parents said only war veterans get PTSD and they think I am lying to my psychiatrist and therapist to get the diagnosis I want (because I love being diagnosed with PTSD?) and they say I just can't handle stress. They know about my spinal fusion surgery and drug-induced pyschoses incidents from pills prescribed for severe migraines that used to paralyze half my body like a stroke, which is now cured by therapy and chirporactic care, but they will never believe a sexual incident that happened when I was very little that is really at the root of everything. They will not read about PTSD or make any effort to understand why I get depressed. Basically, I have to stop expecting that kind of support from them, and try my best to act normal around them. Thankfully I get to be far away before long. They love me and they are proud of me, but they do not understand this huge part of me and that is becoming painful to accept.

3) I sometimes take advantage of my best friend. He's supported me through lots of this stuff, and he listens to me most of the time, but last night I got excessively hopeless and mentioned how after 5 years of the same stuff at this company, the worrying and flashbacks and therapy sessions, after I give myself a shot at this dream job, I could see myself committing suicide anyway. I'm just tired of trying. I'm like, a machine that does work and nothing else. We were open to trying to have a relationship again, since I've been in therapy for a year trying to improve, and he's not meeting anyone where he lives. He mentioned that when he visits for Thanksgiving, he'd like to try to make out a little. I am visiting him for a week in December too, we were going to try to fool around a little and see how it goes with me, which was initially my idea. But for Thanksgiving, I'm not sure I'll be in the mood, he said well maybe we won't then. I then said something cruel about how sometimes I wonder if he only puts up with me because nobody else is romantically interested in him, also noting "I know this is mean to say and I know it isn't true but still I feel..." and he just said "I'm not going to talk about that right now." I apologized via text and said, say whatever you need to say back to me so we don't leave it on a bad note, and he just said "Nights like tonight make me feel like a therapist, not a friend. Maybe we should take a few days off from talking. Good night." So I said "Ok agreed good night." Now my job is not to text or call him until at least Monday because we are seeing each other on Friday and I want us to enjoy it. We've had this happen before, where I hit his limit and we have to take a break, and we've stayed friends for a year since he moved away in spite of it, but basically I feel hopeless and I'm running out of people to talk to.

Any thoughts, advice, similar stories, sympathy, or "suck it up" comments are all welcome. I'm going to put this aside for a few hours and check back later. I am really not sure what I am looking for, not able to phrase a clear question, but basically anything to let me know somebody understands will put me at ease a little.

Thank you so much.
 

Lukie

Learning
First off, congrats on the new job! Starting over in a new situation is always intimidating at first, but it sounds like it might benefit you to put some distance between you and non-supportive parents, as well as being closer to a supportive friend.

Can't say I can relate to the situation with your folks, or offer any sage advice. From what you've said they aren't supportive and aren't willing to be educated. It's rotten when you've poured out your soul to people, telling them uncomfortable truths, and ultimately they don't understand and don't want to. The thing is you've tried your best, your parents won't listen, and distance from that negativity is probably the best thing right now to your wellness.

As for your friend.. Having been on both sides of a similar situation, dealing with a friend who contemplates suicide can be hairy. On the one hand, you fear for them and their wellbeing, and it's upsetting to hear a friend is contemplating suicide. On the other hand, it can be really frustrating and angering when you feel a friend is putting you in a position of being responsible for their life. I've been on the receiving end of many calls from a friend contemplating suicide, on occasion frantically driving to their residence in the middle of the night because they've swallowed a lot of pills and drank a lot of liquor, forced to sit with them to ensure they don't die. I've made similar statements to the effect that I 'feel like a therapist sometimes, and not a friend'. Still, it sounds like you've got an awesome friend who sticks by you through the hard times. He's only human and has his limits, but if he's the true friend that he sounds like he is, I'm sure you don't have to worry about pushing him away forever. It's good that you can both take breaks when you need them. Sometimes we say cruel things to our friends not because we want to drive them away, but because we are testing them to see if they will stay. Don't be too hard on yourself.
 

darrenS

MyPTSD Pro
i can understand how you feel , i have moved through 4 states in 7 years , and with each move i suffer. I become hyper vigilant in many respects and it takes a while to settle down. I have found no easy solution other than if you have a job, hook in and keep busy for a while and simply do the best you can, moving in any respect is considered stressful. Even go there for a weekend beforehand and scope it out, find safe routes and places. Anything that can alleviate the stress beforehand
 
D

Deleted member 1860

You know the answer, which is to widen your web of support. You can't put a lot on this guy because as I see it, you're pushing him away. It remains to be seen whether or not he could be a supporter at this point as you're already putting distance between the two of you, and unless you have a romantic history where you've been together 24/7 for an extended period of time, he really has no clue what the depths of PTSD are. This is why I question if he could ever be a good supporter to you, as things are bad from the get-go. As for your parents, unless they have some sort of mind altering experience, they're pretty much useless. Like I said, widen your web of support.
 

KwanYingirl

MyPTSD Pro
My family of origin has no interest in learning anything about PTSD. They all were very cruel to me when I got sick over ten years ago. I lost my career and had to go back to college and learn a new skill. It was emotionally difficult as I only had the support of one fabulous friend that called me every day to check in.

PTSD numbs us emotionally. I'm sure you will have more positive feelings about your new job after you've settled into it. Remember, they hired you because you were the best candidate for the job.

PTSD makes it difficult to make major changes as we like things predictable. Your SI may be that you are feeling overwhelmed and that's only a feeling. It will pass. Best to stay connected to your therapist and ask for extra help if you're SI persists. Let yourself be proud of your accomplishments!!!
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
I fantasize about committing suicide someday in the future sometimes. It's a big red warning flag that I'm feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. It sounds like you feel really down too. :hug:

My own family doesn't understand PTSD and it is deeply painful. You family's judgemental comments are heartbreaking. I can see why you feel discouraged.

When my own family is not understanding about PTSD, it doesn't hurt quite as bad when I get my needs for support met elsewhere. It can be hard to find, but it is worth the search to find more support. I agree with @Solara's suggestion to widen your support network. Just about everyone could use more support anyhow, and it sounds like you are about to embark on exciting but stressful changes in your life.

I have had friends share suicidal thinking with me and if it is a one sided relationship, I can feel mad at them and shut down. If it's two ways, and I feel like I can lean on them too, it's not so hard. I don't really know why... He could very well be feeling like he is failing at being a support to you right now.

Starting up a romantic relationship again because you have improved and he hasn't found anyone better - well, that would make me feel crappy. Most people want to be wanted because of things that are good about them, not picked because they are an option of last resort.

Maybe he cares more about you than you are taking in? It sounds like he has provided a lot of support over the last year, but like you feel like he only does it just because he has no one else to connect to?

Maybe there is another interpretation of why he wants to be romantic again, and he was hurt that you are not seeing it? He wants to be more than just your supporter because he likes you as a person? It might help to take some time and focus on what care he does have for you.

If he is telling you that he wants to make out because he can't find anyone better and you are improving, and not for any other reasons, I can see why you said what you did to him. I probably would have picked even more "mean" words. I can also see why he responded the way he did. He probably felt a bit rejected and hurt.

I think the message you may have inadvertently sent him was that you may die and thus abandon him, and that you don't think he cares enough about you. That's a good thing to share with therapists - much harder for friends to take in.

The good thing about the fact that he is taking space is that it could be a sign he is hurt because he really does care about you because you really are very important to him. No one would invest that level of daily contact with someone just because they had no one better.

You are much more valuable than you think you are, as a person. Even with the way you view the job opportunity - this may be a chance to challenge your negative self worth and begin to challenge interpretations of what others think about you. You are so much more than just the work you do for your company. Challenging your thinking about your own value to others, and value as a person - this may be a way to help how you are feeling overall.

I may be totally off the mark too - and if I am, please just disregard.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
My notion is that you are not in a good place to be analyzing relationships. The last semester of college, a new job and a new location are quite allot in their own right. More than enough to be spilling all over your entire life. When I am taking on this much at once, I go on the mantra, "Less is better." If at all possible, I save the extra analyzing for a calmer moment. Not always possible, given my intrusive thought herstory...

Be gentle, JBS. The winds of your life are already blowing quite vigorously. Don't add to those winds if you don't need to.

Just my notion...
 
I feel for you my family and my husband don't understand my ptsd I am short on words but when I start a new job I get nervous like I not going to make the cut or what if the stress gets to me...... it sounds like your therapist is going to help you out whI h is great...

I wanted you to know I understand your not alone

I wish you the best of luck with your new job... I have faith in you I know you can do it.
 
Thanks everybody this is really helpful feedback. I mostly want to think more about what this means between my friend and I. You guys are probably right, I am hurting him unintentionally, but I do need to listen and see what exactly it is about what I said that hurts. I had a friend who was suicidal once, he pushed me away after dumping too much onto me, so I do see if from the other side. I know this mess up was my fault, and the best thing is to let it sit, think about it, and talk to him when I see him. Yeah, we were dating in college and in a lot of classes together, did homework with the same group of friends, so we have a high investment and we kinda turn the romantic side of things on or off depending on how I'm doing. This helps so much. I sort of understand what went wrong and what I need to focus on short/term long term, and I will watch my friend's feelings.
 
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