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Relationship Holding space and having the last word

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JordanH

My husband is embarking on starting to think about maybe- when we move back to Roanoke, get some professional help for his complex PTSD. (My armchair diagnosis)

Which is great!

Here’s the rub. I’m so proud and inspired by his personal growth, that I want to do the same. But- I’m a first born, cancerian Earth mother who feels and emotes and prides herself on a high emotional IQ and relative self awareness.

Which brings me to my next point: how can I really lean in and embrace the parts of me that I need to work on too? Especially if I don’t know the things I don’t know? Self truths are always the hardest to come by, and my own personal Dunning-Kruger effect had me sitting on my laurels until Mike upped the ante on self growth.

Once I started thinking about “Mike’s stuff” in a different way I was free to imagine a world of possibility and growth for myself:

And of course now I’m seeing the concept of holding space everywhere. Love is the heartbeat of God. When Mike and I have children, I will hold space for them the instant I know them and keep them there forever.

My husband, and best friend and future baby daddy deserves the same attention. Dissociation, anger and lying come to our house and turn things upside down.
But.
I have the power to let his schemas and moods come and live for a while. In a safe place. With someone who loves him.
What do my hurt feelings mean really when the little 8 year old who’s in front of me is no longer my partner- but a secretly abused little boy hiding his shame and secrets. The same little boy whose sister just died and whose neighbor molests him is frozen inside my husband.

He comes out in anger and during stressful times. Sometimes he protects his small body by throwing up for a few days sleeping away the time: no even enough energy to turn the TV on.

He needs to be healed. The people we love with PTSD and other stress induced reactions are not bad or broken. They have an injury and they can work towards healing.

When I focus on this perspective it’s much easier to be patient when Mike can’t communicate or is irritated or MIA.
BUT

I still don’t think I’ve got the hang of holding space, since I haven’t yet kicked my urge to have the last word or advise mike on his healing

I’m just in his face while he’s feeling like shit after vomiting all night: I was excited to tell him I figured out it’s just his somatic response to stress!

I like to read aloud, make the words my own and talk a thing to death to understand it. I really am trying to help Mike- but I’m staring to understand why my siblings all say I’m a know it all and why others have thought me to be condescending at times- though I always mean well!


I’m a work in progress and so is he. But his challenges and growth have lit a fire under me to hold space for him. Shut up Jordan. Listen. Really listen: transcend:
 
What do my hurt feelings mean really when the little 8 year old who’s in front of me is no longer my partner-

^Your hurt feelings are your own. You own them completely. They don't compare and you cannot compare.

I was free to imagine a world of possibility and growth for myself

^Maybe your lessons are nothing to do with relating healing words - but to simply sit with him in silence and just be there with him while he works it out for himself.

I'm glad he's going to get some professional support. :)
 
Work on you......be available for him and hold quiet space but without unsolicited advice.....but if you bypass working on yourself and focus on his shortcomings, and don't grow and mature yourself-because you're too busy "fixing him" and not you, your relationship won't grow. Focusing on you, identifying your own issues and needs, getting your own help for you, and personal support.....and acting those needs, takes away your need to focus/ and be a fixer to him.....and will help you to not have the last word. Partners are on the same level.......Adult-child relationships (where one partner believes he/she knows more and takes an unequal role in the partnership giving advice to the other-creates a division in the relationship....and it can get real unhealthy-and very unsatisfying). Step back, take care of you.
 
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