Holding this off has kept me self destructive...

pamcoco

Sponsor
It seems to never stop…. Somewhat settled in a new home, or so I thought, the crumble of my life has not quite completed. I must stand back in faith, honoring a process that remains beyond my comprehension.

I couldn’t put words to my experiences, unable to define a perpetual barrage of attacks that seem unnatural. I mean, why would she/he target me without a valid reason? I’ve always tried to make sense of the random, cruel and purposeful social violence, that which invalidates my perceptions, feelings and actions. I’ve been endlessly searching for some cue or misunderstanding that elicited their desire for my destruction.

The trauma from the actual assaults more than a decade ago seems relatively manageable. Something I can assign to psychopaths, men that at some point lost control over their relatively more appropriate deviance.

But, through the fog is a reoccurring glimmer of something that feels unbearable. Momentary flashes of memories. Not about the continuous neglect and abuse in my life but of the mom, brother, father that as young as I recall, blamed me for it. The individuals that feel no remorse or responsibility, happy to cast everything onto my burdened back.

With shock I have to admit that nothing has changed. I was too young to acknowledge it then. Am I strong enough to be blinded with truth and face the life that never was any of the stories I told?

I think it’s possible that trying desperately to hold off this realization has kept me stuck in self destruction. It's been an agreement I made early on that I would always throw myself under the bus, rather than be disloyal in the admission they are pleased to watch me drown, as long as no one notices they’re holding may head under the water.

It was no misunderstanding.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
It seems to never stop…. Somewhat settled in a new home, or so I thought, the crumble of my life has not quite completed. I must stand back in faith, honoring a process that remains beyond my comprehension.

I couldn’t put words to my experiences, unable to define a perpetual barrage of attacks that seem unnatural. I mean, why would she/he target me without a valid reason? I’ve always tried to make sense of the random, cruel and purposeful social violence, that which invalidates my perceptions, feelings and actions. I’ve been endlessly searching for some cue or misunderstanding that elicited their desire for my destruction.

The trauma from the actual assaults more than a decade ago seems relatively manageable. Something I can assign to psychopaths, men that at some point lost control over their relatively more appropriate deviance.

But, through the fog is a reoccurring glimmer of something that feels unbearable. Momentary flashes of memories. Not about the continuous neglect and abuse in my life but of the mom, brother, father that as young as I recall, blamed me for it. The individuals that feel no remorse or responsibility, happy to cast everything onto my burdened back.

With shock I have to admit that nothing has changed. I was too young to acknowledge it then. Am I strong enough to be blinded with truth and face the life that never was any of the stories I told?

I think it’s possible that trying desperately to hold off this realization has kept me stuck in self destruction. It's been an agreement I made early on that I would always throw myself under the bus, rather than be disloyal in the admission they are pleased to watch me drown, as long as no one notices they’re holding may head under the water.

It was no misunderstanding.
I can so relate to this. Sorry you jave had to be dealing with it.
Thank you for sharing though. It's helped me make sense of what's going on with me and find a little more compassion for myself.
🤗 @pamcoco
 

woodsy1

MyPTSD Pro
It seems to never stop…. Somewhat settled in a new home, or so I thought, the crumble of my life has not quite completed. I must stand back in faith, honoring a process that remains beyond my comprehension.

I couldn’t put words to my experiences, unable to define a perpetual barrage of attacks that seem unnatural. I mean, why would she/he target me without a valid reason? I’ve always tried to make sense of the random, cruel and purposeful social violence, that which invalidates my perceptions, feelings and actions. I’ve been endlessly searching for some cue or misunderstanding that elicited their desire for my destruction.

The trauma from the actual assaults more than a decade ago seems relatively manageable. Something I can assign to psychopaths, men that at some point lost control over their relatively more appropriate deviance.

But, through the fog is a reoccurring glimmer of something that feels unbearable. Momentary flashes of memories. Not about the continuous neglect and abuse in my life but of the mom, brother, father that as young as I recall, blamed me for it. The individuals that feel no remorse or responsibility, happy to cast everything onto my burdened back.

With shock I have to admit that nothing has changed. I was too young to acknowledge it then. Am I strong enough to be blinded with truth and face the life that never was any of the stories I told?

I think it’s possible that trying desperately to hold off this realization has kept me stuck in self destruction. It's been an agreement I made early on that I would always throw myself under the bus, rather than be disloyal in the admission they are pleased to watch me drown, as long as no one notices they’re holding may head under the water.

It was no misunderstanding.
I'm sorry for your abuse and the fact that people blame you for it. It is one of the most destructive abuses to our soul when those who are supposed to love, nurture and protect us rather do us harm betray us and use us as their scapegoat.

There is healing. You will find many people here to share your story and come alongside you in your journey.

I hope you find some solace here.

Woodsy1
 
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