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Holiday overwhelm leading to symptoms flare?

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I am having a lot of trouble with holidays, and I was just sort of in a nice balanced state the last 2-3 months finally. But I am foreigner where I am so I celebrate more holidays- the ones where I am but then also acknowledging the ones back home. Also December is when I have to renew my visa, which is a lot of documents and stress. Also, I moved in with a roommate for a first time in years this summer, but now she maybe leaving to work abroad in January. I can't afford the place on my own and I got to it because of trying to save money. So I'm staying and that means a new roommate to adapt to. And there are other unexpected health and practical stuff going on, as it happens in life sometimes.
I knew some of this would be going on and wanted to prepare better, but I have really hard time around moving this summer. So I spend few months struggling and then finally slowly building stable every day life. So even knowing December was coming I didn't really prepare. Last week I knew it was time but I just couldn't. This week I started planning December so I'm ready and all of a sudden my carefully crafted balance completely collapsed. In the last 2 weeks after months of not having any I've had 2 flashbacks and a lot of unsettling dreams. The last days since I started setting goals and lists for what needs to get done in December(in practical tasks, then also for honoring holidays, and so on) it's gone from hard to impossible. I feel overwhelmed, the last 2 days I've been flip-flopping between anxious and depressed, and suddenly every task is a zillion times harder. I also with health issues for first time in months found myself having a week with very little cash which is usually fine- few extra gigs, online work, something, and by next week it will be better. But my stupid overwhelmed brain is making every task harder. I had to start writing down tasks like doing couple of dishes and things like that. Each cleaning task, each tiny task takes extra time and everything feels like I have extra resistance in doing it. Half the time I feel like I'll snap, or burst into tears, and half the time it feels like I just want to check out and ignore it all. Which is not an option, but it still makes everything harder. I haven't felt like this in months, that feeling like your skin is on fire or like you peeled all of it off and you're so hypersensitive that you can't feel everything and you're that much more sensitive. When any loud noise, or neon color or crowd feel overwhelming and I spend my relaxing time wrapped in blankets because I'm cold all the time(happens to me when hypervigilant). It's that unsettling feeling like I can't catch a breath, everything is hard, nothing is certain and I need to recheck dates and things because I have this feeling, like a train is headed my way and it will run me over, but I just can't tell which direction it's coming from-like something really bad will happen, I will fail or forget something important and I am just not certain where it's coming from. Memories coming and going, not necessarily like flashbacks, but it's like for months all that caused my PTSD was at the back of my mind, like a regular part of my past that I am managing, and now it's like it's here. Like I've been asleep and I'm sharpely awake now or something...I don't know how to explain it. It's like for a while all it was was just a memory and now it feels more intense than the present and always a bit on the back of my mind, feeling me with feelings any time I'm doing anything...
I'm planning, I'm making trackers, I'll go to therapy in the free center as soon as I can...I am just feeling like I'm hanging on a thread and I am not exactly sure when it will break. I am so frustrated, I didn't know how fast things can get so bad. I feel desperate. Especially because being out of much of food and being very bare-bones financially this week could have been fine, but because I'm so over-sensitive now, it makes working or applying for new work that much harder. And it's like I'm desperate to just have a little comfort, to be able to buy food, take couple days off working to recover. But instead I don't feel like I'm ever fully resting or fully working because I'm all sensitive and hypervigilant when attempting work, but my rest isn't fully rest because I don't feel like I am allowed to have it. And hence making it zillion times worse.
 
Wow, you do have a lot going on and I sure understand how overwhelming it can feel. It sounds like getting Visa renewed is the big priority. Having little money is a ton of stress (for food, medical, etc). I dont know what your holiday celebrations consist of but maybe that is something you can reduce your expectations about.

I really get the part about the ptsd being in the back of your mind and all of a sudden it is here. Its been 11 yrs this month since I was assaulted in my home, and last year my symptoms were finally more minimal. This year is like the other years, and it feels like it is building and building and will all blow up. (keep telling myself it won't) All I want to do is stay in my pj's in bed where it feels safe. Im having that feeling that my house is not safe. I am jumpy. Really jumpy. I dont have all the things you have going on. Last year I was so grateful that I did not have all the triggers that this time of year brings. I thought I was getting better, but the night mares started again. I have nobody to talk to about them. My husband is emotionally absent. I cant burden my daughter as she is pregnant. I isolate a lot so dont have many people in my life and have not been able to get therapy for years.

What makes it harder for me is not wanting to disappoint others. Trying to stay happy and celebrate with family and act like everything is ok when its not. It also makes it hard for me to complete tasks....just a few little things every day. So overwhelmed....and about nothing. I do not like this feeling. I have been practicing gratitude so talking about this makes me feel self destructive.
 
I'm sorry this has become so hard for you again. You have amazing resilience and it blows me away! It is not to late to plan for December, and I hope you find a laid back, super nice roommate. I'm not celebrating Christmas this year, since it would be too much. I did a homemade present for my mom, got a few things on sale for my son. No tree yet. We have a Charlie Brown Christmas tree so we'll put that up. I'm going to make a few Christmas cakes and that's about it. I will still be recovering from my surgery, so I'm keep it simple and I'm finding I have less bad memories and less depression. I think of you often.
 
@brat17 Thank you for sharing that! It's about 10 years for me in terms of PTSD, 10 and a half, so I know exactly what you mean. It's never a good feeling backsliding, especially if you work hard on recovery. I'm slightly better now, but it's definitely a rough month. And if the mental side isn't enough- I am better financially, slightly, now, finally having more work, but one week I have a nasty flu and now I'm having sciatica back issues for a first time ever and pretty bad ones.

@DharmaGirl Thank you for saying that! Yeah, that is why I tried planning, to put it all on paper and worry less. But I am trying to make my peace with now having movie-like holiday moments. Maybe I'm just not in season of my life to do that. I put it all on paper as much as I could- meetings, todos, bucket list, to basically separate what I should do from what I wish to do.
I think I'm not going to do much celebrating either, but I do want to send Christmas cards to some friends abroad and make some cards or mini gifts for some friends here... Here the actual celebrated Christmas is by the other calendar(Catholic versus Orthodox I think??) so really Christmas is on 6th January so I have more time I suppose... but for the friends abroad it's still 24th...although for them I am sending Christmas/New Year cards so as long as it is around NY it's ok... I am having super routh month physically so that is making me rethink plans for sure. Right now having lots of back sciatica issues so that is taking priority over a lot of things. Have plenty of work finally, too, and that is a priority as well. I feel like .... like my body is telling me to set my priorities straight.What surgery? I hope it goes well! I am having a weird day. I stumbled upon emails from the time in uni when I first got PTSD and had no idea what was happening with me. At the time I ended up being 6months late with submitting the final internship papers I needed to submit to graduate and I am still amazed that I got my diploma after all. I felt guilty for incredibly long time because I was dealing with PTSD for a first time and I just fell off the map, didn't answer emails or explain anything to anyone for that half a year. And it's because of kindness of people that when I finally got back and explained I was able to get my documents. I could have burned off 4 years of hard studying just by being late with this one document. It's been about 8 years since that and most of the time I don't think about it, but now it hit me brutally. Just looking at those unanswered emails, there was one even from a professor that I am not sure if I eventually answered with a different email or if I never did and looking at it makes me sick with guilt. I thought I was over it because I eventually graduated, but maybe the only reason I'm over it is because there is a lot of time, out of sight, out of mind. But it still makes me sick when I remember. The kind of person that I was until I learned to deal with what happened to me, I am really not proud of and it still haunts me sometimes. Sorry. There is enough to think about in the present, no need to add memories too. It's just been a day. Being reminded of who I was, not a good feeling.
 
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