SeekingAfrica
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I am having a lot of trouble with holidays, and I was just sort of in a nice balanced state the last 2-3 months finally. But I am foreigner where I am so I celebrate more holidays- the ones where I am but then also acknowledging the ones back home. Also December is when I have to renew my visa, which is a lot of documents and stress. Also, I moved in with a roommate for a first time in years this summer, but now she maybe leaving to work abroad in January. I can't afford the place on my own and I got to it because of trying to save money. So I'm staying and that means a new roommate to adapt to. And there are other unexpected health and practical stuff going on, as it happens in life sometimes.
I knew some of this would be going on and wanted to prepare better, but I have really hard time around moving this summer. So I spend few months struggling and then finally slowly building stable every day life. So even knowing December was coming I didn't really prepare. Last week I knew it was time but I just couldn't. This week I started planning December so I'm ready and all of a sudden my carefully crafted balance completely collapsed. In the last 2 weeks after months of not having any I've had 2 flashbacks and a lot of unsettling dreams. The last days since I started setting goals and lists for what needs to get done in December(in practical tasks, then also for honoring holidays, and so on) it's gone from hard to impossible. I feel overwhelmed, the last 2 days I've been flip-flopping between anxious and depressed, and suddenly every task is a zillion times harder. I also with health issues for first time in months found myself having a week with very little cash which is usually fine- few extra gigs, online work, something, and by next week it will be better. But my stupid overwhelmed brain is making every task harder. I had to start writing down tasks like doing couple of dishes and things like that. Each cleaning task, each tiny task takes extra time and everything feels like I have extra resistance in doing it. Half the time I feel like I'll snap, or burst into tears, and half the time it feels like I just want to check out and ignore it all. Which is not an option, but it still makes everything harder. I haven't felt like this in months, that feeling like your skin is on fire or like you peeled all of it off and you're so hypersensitive that you can't feel everything and you're that much more sensitive. When any loud noise, or neon color or crowd feel overwhelming and I spend my relaxing time wrapped in blankets because I'm cold all the time(happens to me when hypervigilant). It's that unsettling feeling like I can't catch a breath, everything is hard, nothing is certain and I need to recheck dates and things because I have this feeling, like a train is headed my way and it will run me over, but I just can't tell which direction it's coming from-like something really bad will happen, I will fail or forget something important and I am just not certain where it's coming from. Memories coming and going, not necessarily like flashbacks, but it's like for months all that caused my PTSD was at the back of my mind, like a regular part of my past that I am managing, and now it's like it's here. Like I've been asleep and I'm sharpely awake now or something...I don't know how to explain it. It's like for a while all it was was just a memory and now it feels more intense than the present and always a bit on the back of my mind, feeling me with feelings any time I'm doing anything...
I'm planning, I'm making trackers, I'll go to therapy in the free center as soon as I can...I am just feeling like I'm hanging on a thread and I am not exactly sure when it will break. I am so frustrated, I didn't know how fast things can get so bad. I feel desperate. Especially because being out of much of food and being very bare-bones financially this week could have been fine, but because I'm so over-sensitive now, it makes working or applying for new work that much harder. And it's like I'm desperate to just have a little comfort, to be able to buy food, take couple days off working to recover. But instead I don't feel like I'm ever fully resting or fully working because I'm all sensitive and hypervigilant when attempting work, but my rest isn't fully rest because I don't feel like I am allowed to have it. And hence making it zillion times worse.
I knew some of this would be going on and wanted to prepare better, but I have really hard time around moving this summer. So I spend few months struggling and then finally slowly building stable every day life. So even knowing December was coming I didn't really prepare. Last week I knew it was time but I just couldn't. This week I started planning December so I'm ready and all of a sudden my carefully crafted balance completely collapsed. In the last 2 weeks after months of not having any I've had 2 flashbacks and a lot of unsettling dreams. The last days since I started setting goals and lists for what needs to get done in December(in practical tasks, then also for honoring holidays, and so on) it's gone from hard to impossible. I feel overwhelmed, the last 2 days I've been flip-flopping between anxious and depressed, and suddenly every task is a zillion times harder. I also with health issues for first time in months found myself having a week with very little cash which is usually fine- few extra gigs, online work, something, and by next week it will be better. But my stupid overwhelmed brain is making every task harder. I had to start writing down tasks like doing couple of dishes and things like that. Each cleaning task, each tiny task takes extra time and everything feels like I have extra resistance in doing it. Half the time I feel like I'll snap, or burst into tears, and half the time it feels like I just want to check out and ignore it all. Which is not an option, but it still makes everything harder. I haven't felt like this in months, that feeling like your skin is on fire or like you peeled all of it off and you're so hypersensitive that you can't feel everything and you're that much more sensitive. When any loud noise, or neon color or crowd feel overwhelming and I spend my relaxing time wrapped in blankets because I'm cold all the time(happens to me when hypervigilant). It's that unsettling feeling like I can't catch a breath, everything is hard, nothing is certain and I need to recheck dates and things because I have this feeling, like a train is headed my way and it will run me over, but I just can't tell which direction it's coming from-like something really bad will happen, I will fail or forget something important and I am just not certain where it's coming from. Memories coming and going, not necessarily like flashbacks, but it's like for months all that caused my PTSD was at the back of my mind, like a regular part of my past that I am managing, and now it's like it's here. Like I've been asleep and I'm sharpely awake now or something...I don't know how to explain it. It's like for a while all it was was just a memory and now it feels more intense than the present and always a bit on the back of my mind, feeling me with feelings any time I'm doing anything...
I'm planning, I'm making trackers, I'll go to therapy in the free center as soon as I can...I am just feeling like I'm hanging on a thread and I am not exactly sure when it will break. I am so frustrated, I didn't know how fast things can get so bad. I feel desperate. Especially because being out of much of food and being very bare-bones financially this week could have been fine, but because I'm so over-sensitive now, it makes working or applying for new work that much harder. And it's like I'm desperate to just have a little comfort, to be able to buy food, take couple days off working to recover. But instead I don't feel like I'm ever fully resting or fully working because I'm all sensitive and hypervigilant when attempting work, but my rest isn't fully rest because I don't feel like I am allowed to have it. And hence making it zillion times worse.