Sufferer Honesty The Best Policy.

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Saint Nik

Hi, I don't even know where to start. So, I am going to be as brutally honest as I can about myself: I come from an alcoholic, violent, emotional, narcissistic abusive mother, An absent father, bullying family members in my family, have experienced rape, abuse, cheated on, lied to, assaulted, hurt in so many ways from emotional to physical also multiple losses of family members through drugs, suicide and cancer! So, I thought I was a pro when it came to stress as I still knew right from wrong and still had so much compassion and care never to hurt another human being as long as I lived. . . and I continued to live my life, regardless of the shit from my past.

Recently I had an operation where the doctor's didn't flush out my IV in my hand and inside was a chemical residue of a nerve blocker that was used in the operation. So, there I am lying awake, looking up to the hospital ceiling and all of a sudden I become aware of my left arm, going into my chest, neck, jaw, face. . . I am going completely paralysed. I can't even jerk as I am paralysed. I hear the machines going mental with the beeping and I am close to flat lining and hear the nurses and doctor's panicking thinking I have took some allergic reaction to the pain relief. I am suffocating and await my death and my eyes close and I can't believe I lay here about to die.
They rectify it. I sit right up in a fit of panic, wondering what the hell is going on. Waving my arms about and refusing them putting breathing oxygen masks on my face. Just clean out of an operation and I am now no longer groggy with the amount of adrenaline pumping inside my body. Three days I stay in this chronic adrenaline rushed state. Three days I don't sleep. Three days of sheer terror at what the hell happened and my brain struggling to process it. I no longer feel safe in the hospital, thinking this should be the safest place in the world!

I find out they didn't flush out the IV properly and I couldn't sue because I was too frightened to speak to anyone about it as panic attacks hit me right left and centre. One month after the op, my mum dies of cancer and with the childhood hell she put me through, it was not the usual grief I had felt with family members I have loved. I didn't have a good relationship with my mother so the grief with her was complicated to say the least!

I am now in my 3rd year of trauma, panic, anxiety and depression. The 1st year after the op and my mum's death was easy looking back. I was probably in so much shock and did everything automatically. The 2nd year was more depersonalization, like I was losing my mind and control of my life. I no longer knew who I was any more. The past came back to haunt me and there was no choice but to confront it.

January this year was my most traumatic event as every physical symptom hit, this was me now stepping into the 3rd year after the op and my mum's death. Symptoms kicked off from dizzy spells, brain fog, chest pains, headaches, racing terror/horrific thoughts, stomach cramps, like I was dying, like I was terminally ill in pain, IBS, felt like surges up and down my body, tingles up and down the arms and legs, hands and toes, not feeling with it, not feeling right and these symptoms lasted for days and days, and if they would end, another symptom came along, swollen tongue sensation, lump in the throat, that feeling you get when you are on a rollercoaster and the insides of your organs feel like they are rising upwards, impaired vision, unwanted images, unbearable images, unable to get out of bed, cramps in the back of the legs, ringing in the ears, creepy crawly feelings all over the body, heart tremors, hyperventilation, irregular breathing, shallow and laboured breathing, days on end of not feeling I am breathing right, like I can't catch my breath, yawning so much, sighing heavily, tingles around the face, mouth, lips, numb nose, cold and hot, shaky all over, feeling lethralgic and weak and many, many more symptoms.
The fear and pain was chronic. The endless questioning - what is happening to me? Why don't the doctor's know? My mum died young, I am dying young as well?
I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night putting my partner into a state of panic. I was demented, exhausted and had lost all identity, my brain and body were completely shutting down on me and said enough.

I was hospitalized three times every week in January this year. Checked for everything (MRI scans, liver function tests, blood tests, heart, stomach, spleen, liver scans, chest and lung x-rays, stool and urine samples, every test going as the doctor's were puzzled by the severity of the pain) just to be told nothing is wrong with me. I am later diagnosed with psychological and psycho-somatic pain. Basically, there was nothing they can do as I of course had a phobia of medication and couldn't take anything for the chronic pain I was in. Refused anti-depressants because I was terrified of withdrawals. I felt I couldn't breathe. Felt I was suffocating and it got so unbearable and painful I decided I was going to end my life at the end of January this year. My partner was the only one who was intune with me and he coerced and persuaded me to see someone. I went to counselling. Did CBT, researched online tirelessly on these conditions. . . I knew it was my past coming back to haunt me, as well as the scary experience of dying and then watching my mother die in front of my eyes. But, just because I know what the root is, doesn't make it any easier.

I am no where out of the woods yet. However, I do feel I am half way there! All I wish for is the symptoms to piss off! I get new symptoms every bloody week. The latest one is the night terrors and wakening up in a state of panic to the realisation I wasn't breathing in my sleep (or it feels like that!) Each night I nod off to sleep, I get this sensation that electricity is running up and down my body, surging my heart to hammer in my ribcage and as I feel myself about to tick over into sub-concious sleep, it' feels like I am about to die, just like the operation. Then I get this crushing feeling in my heart, into my left arm, into my jaw and freak out thinking it's a heart attack. It happens that much I have now lost my fear it's a heart attack and came to the conclusion I have to ride this out. It's shit, but I have no choice. The more I tell myself I have a choice and it will get better, that's when I become miserable, but the more I tell myself that I everything passes, nothing lasts forever, not even the pain I can be in from day to day as it always changes in intensity. I get a tiny glimmer of hope that this too will just evaporate, but first. . . I gotta let it happen. Yes, it's terrifying, but what else can I do?

Anyway, to all you brave guys out there. Right now as we hurtle on this rock as it spins around the sun going through this Universe. . .I know I am not alone. That we are all survivors, warriors. . . I don't have the answers, I know we are all seeking them and I hope the truth does set us all free. . . :hug:

So, thank you for reading. I know it was a long read, but I had to be honest. I hide nothing from myself or others any more. If I feel panicking I will be honest about it, when I feel great, I am honest about that too. No more telling myself and others " I am fine!" when I'm not. I just hope you guys do the same and let everyone know you are human, we are hurting and by God we are all trying our best to cope, recover and heal ourselves in the best way we all know how! I am with you all the way!

Take care and I hope to hear from you guys :tup:
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@Saint Nik Welcome to the forum! :)

You really nailed the wording on the anxiety and the panic attacks (I referred to them as terror attacks as that was the main emotion). The thing is they can get better Having a trauma therapist is great, but I found yoga and exercise were great as a way to learn to control my breathing and to burn off the adrenaline. Mindfulness has also been extremely helpful and it isn't so much something that I use but the way that I try to live each day....very much in the moment.

Try a variety of things and different combinations as you will find things that work best for you. I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.
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