Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
So I'm not sure if that thing will last more than one day but no reason to not try it
I really want to make a paragraph in my first note in French because it's my native language but I'll translate it just after. Maybe writing in another language could be useful in some way

Que dire de plus que je ne n'ai pas déjà répéter cent fois ? Pourquoi écrire ici serait différent des mille fois où je l'ai dit encore et encore ? Pourrais-je un jour cesser de le dire pour que ça ne m'affecte plus autant ? Mais je n'ai pas lutter si fort si longtemps pour juste abandonner alors allons-y

What can I say I didn't already said hundred times ? Why writing here would be different of the thousand times I said it again and again ? Will I ever stop having to saying it to lesser the effect it has on me ? But I didn't fight so hard so long to just quit so let's go

Day 1
I'm moving in 13 days or more. I hate my current place and wish I never had to go here. My things are almost all packed up and I feel like time doesn't exist anymore. 2 weeks sounds awfully long but so close at the same time.
I found this forum after I went to another-again server on discord. I wish I was dead but I don't want to die right now. I finally got happy to go away from group home. It was about time.
Few days ago I saw my oldest brothers the morning after i got triggered by someone talk about his brother. I got triggered a lot seeing my brother just 10 minutes.
He's still himself. Calm clever practical and seeming remorful. It reminded me that, terrified by letting myself being drive home by him and exposing me to flash-back, I said I'll ask him to help me move when I'll eventually leave my group home.
No Givrali you're not her anymore. Now you can say no. You can not let this happens again. This night you understood you just have to not "meet the conditions" for him to not harm you.
That's sad to put words like it but that's it. Once I stopped meeting the conditions abuse stopped as well. Not my fault but avoiding it is possible and I did it.
My other brother said oldest changed but I wouldn't try my chance even If I didn't developed ptsd.

My best friend seemed to approved my therapist this morning. She's a good judge of character so I'm a bit relaxed.
There were so much to talk about in therapy I couldn't talk about everything. Not important. Leaving is the n°1 priority.
I can't project me in my home. My imagination stops at the d day. I can think about what I want and where but not more. I wish I was dead. Too much feelings and pressure. My outside doesn't show it but even when I smile laughte and have fun with my friends I just want to die.
The sun shines the birds song I want to die.
All casual truths
I'm not sure I'll be able to do the last two housework but my therapist put me sick in occupationnal work so educators won't let it pass so I'll have to do it.
Thinking too much about this two last weeks make me crazy so I should move to another subject.

Today I could rest after my weekly appointment in my therapist. I eat after everyone so late no one was still around the kitchen. But just being cheerful about something made me feel completely drained. I miss seeing my friends.
Had to stop visiting them because it was too exhausting. But soon some of them will be here to help in my new home to put books in shelves and kitchen stuff in... what is this word again ? Well mettre la vaisselle dans les placards.
It's my diary so if I miss a word I'll say it in French. That's it.

I think it's enough for a first entry. So I'll do my best post at least one sentence per day
 

Sideways

Moderator
Mod Note:
Maybe writing in another language could be useful in some way
We ask that members stick with English. It becomes impossible to moderate the site when members start writing in a multitude of languages.

Having said that:
I really want to make a paragraph in my first note in French because it's my native language but I'll translate it just after.
This makes lot of sense. If you'd like to write initially in your native language, and then come back and replace the text with the English translation once you're done, that would be totally okay.

If you'd like to ask us about this, please don't hesitate to drop us a message at Contact Us. And welcome to the forum!
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Today it would be great if I manage to do the two last housework. One have to be done today maybe I should do it this morning. New event in pokemon go (what a surprise 😮‍💨 ) but I won't go outside afternoon and it's already too hot for me so it'll have to wait
Not a lot to say so. Maybe I'll have more thing to say later or maybe it's done for today
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Ok the more difficult task won't be possible today but I have to force myself cleaning wc. I've done some papers for moving to my new place. That really exhausted me and started a headache. Feeling better today with the tireness could do some things at desk.

Emotionally very bad because someone came to me to reveal he did something wrong on my favorite social media place and is hating someone I like for seeming reasonable reasons but ask to keep it secret. I mean nothing important for the thing he did but for me it's still a rule breaker and that disturb me because it's against the place rules. I know it'll lose its importance very soon but I hate doing something against rules regardless how silly or meanless they are. But I can't betray someone who trusted me unless that places someone in danger. I both feel like I did right and wrong at the same time.

Beside this moral dilemma I still have a very confusing relationship with one of my housemates. Does she hate me or not ? I can't understand. I don't think she hates me but why being so mean if she doesn't ? Well I'm a crybaby but one of the reasons of it is that I'm sick! We're all here because we are. That's the main criteria to live here !
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
So I missed the first task of the day : going shopping for summer clothes and buy that adorable pillow. Many more tasks are waiting so it's better I go outside check the nearest pokestop for my game this night when it'll be less hot.

I could rest this last days so it should be manageable to do all my housework this week.

Almost the weekend then Monday then the next day my educator will meet my therapist for medical administration purpose.
I... think my therapist will say two or more helpful things to my educator for making my last two weeks more bearable for me ?

I tend to forget important things when it's too stressful for me.

I still have to take a shower this morning (10h29 am where I'm living) so I should stop doing other things and get morning things done
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I don't want to talk about my feelings.

I decided to write a extra part of a the promise neverland fanfiction in the foster family. Ray will go... how do you say that in English again? Anyway he'll walk in mountain for long with his once Ratri.
Of course since I'm the author I decided to make his life as miserable as in the manga. In this fanfiction he remembers domestic violence he witnessed as a baby, love spending time with his cousin Norman, also remember seeing his mother as her worst when she was mentally down and been told if he doesn't endure wordlessly rape from his oncle the oncle will report his acts on his child, so Norman.

My stories are always this joyful.

I made Ray Norman and Emma a trio like in the manga by making Ray and his mother foster family and Emma being temporary placed with them. Norman will visit Ray a lot and the two boys will call each other almost every day.

I planned two more fanfiction from this manga in a modern setting. One older them having truly horrifically life (forced prostitution, living on the street and being prisonned in a golden evil cage)
The last story is by far the least interesting for me because I'll try to make them just being rival for some school price
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
This is Duffy. He's a pokemon
 

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Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
Well my brain think the same way for childish pleasure and stories about rape. Not sure if it's an indication of how messed up is my brain or something normal
 
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