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Sufferer Hopeful this will help the next part of my journey - Panic and anxiety over anything sexually related

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I became interested in this site just today when I read an old thread that described my exact situation. I felt I was not alone and I wasn't the only one anymore.

I suffer from a severe trigger to nudity/sexuality on TV and in all media. It causes instant panic attacks and I can barely function. Sometimes it takes days to recover.

What I find unique about my situation and the fact that I tend to think I'm crazy and that my PTSD is not as important as other sufferers is ....I cannot recall any sexual trauma or abuse in my childhood. Yet my panic attacks started when I had sex for the first time as a teenager. It was not a bad experience, so I dont feel it is the cause. I used to think I was severely insecure and jealous. Now that I'm in my early 40s and have spent years dealing with being afraid to live in this world with a husband and constant exposure, I have come a long way if I say so myself. I read books, practiced coping techniques, filled my toolkit with tools, went to some therapy, etc.

My first husband had a porn addiction and did it behind my back and told me that I was irrational and that's why he had to hide it from me. He blamed me for his need and inability to control himself. That marriage ended after I suffered a severe illness that I am proud to say I healed myself of through a complete diet and lifestyle change. He did not support me through the process and when I finally started feeling better and getting my energy back I realized how important I was and that my life was worth saving. And that life itself can be joyful and I felt liberated.

Yet when I found the man of my dreams and the love of my life a few years later I felt the same fear creep back up into me and paranoia that he was doing things behind my back like my ex. But it was made worse by the fact that I already had panic and anxiety over anything sexually related.

The one thing I hung onto is that this man really loved me. He wanted nothing else but to be with me and be truthful and honest. We have such a beautiful relationship yet inside of my mind there was still unrest, fear, suspicion and an inability to accept a pure love.

For the most part, we do not watch any shows in our house that display sexuality and nudity. Mostly because we have children and we watch a lot of kid shows and family friendly shows. But I show came up recently that he was excited to watch and I was so scared and I was either going to have to endure that he was going to watch it or I could choose to remember that we are best friends that he loves me truly unconditionally. I actually prayed about it and the first thing that came to me was that I just needed to talk to him. And when he brought up wanting to watch the show I said can I talk to you about it? I went on to tell him that he's already aware that I'm a little uncomfortable with the sexuality and nudity in shows. I said I really wanted to try hard to watch it with him and to watch it only one episode at a time rather than binge watch it. I wanted to because i love him and I know he is not the cause of this nor would he ever want to hurt me.

I knew in my heart that I was safe to have this conversation with him because I can trust him and he makes me feel safe. His answer was the most loving answer. He said he was okay with taking it slow and that if I felt uncomfortable at any point we could turn it off. He even said that it was just a show and that we don't have to watch it at all.

Just knowing what a beautiful relationship we have and the fact that even though he doesn't fully understand why I feel this way, he is completely willing to support me , makes me want to try everyday to be better not only for myself but for him as well. Because as we all know, when we suffer and we are triggered we tend to take it out on others.

I never knew a relationship like this could even exist. It has given me so much hope. There really are good people out there.

So not only am I here to ask for support and to ask for guidance to help heal my pain and my fear , I also hope to help someone else who has lost faith.

And I don't want to feel bad anymore that I don't know the reason for my anxiety, depression and PTSD surrounding this. In fact, it's even more frustrating because I have no answers. I can only deal with what's happening to me and go from here. I have asked why why why for years and years. And I'm tired of asking.

Being in the right relationship whether it's just with yourself or with someone as loving as my husband ( I am the luckiest woman in the world) is a true game changer
 
Welcome, and congratulations on the amazing steps you've already taken! I innerstand some of what you speak of regarding your discomforts. Mine are clearly and deeply rooted in being a childhood/teen/young adult sexual abuse and domestic violence survivor.

I also found a loving, gentle, and kind partner/husband who I've been with the last 17-ish years and there's no feeling that compares to knowing I can just be me and still be loved, although my brain still tries to tell me otherwise, at times, while also having the space I need whenever I need it. Priceless.

The healing of various issues through drastic consumption habits/lifestyle changes also happened in my world, but fortunately I was already in my current relationship, otherwise I'm not so sure I could have stuck with it considering the circumstances of past situations. I remain amazed at the differences.

I'm glad you chose to become a part of the community and felt comfortable in sharing your story. It's an amazing space with many understanding and compassionate folks with a wealth of hard-learned wisdom and experiences.
 
Welcome to the community of people who understand. Thank you for sharing your story. You have made amazing progress!

Grateful that you took time to check things out to see if this was a good fit for you. And finding you are not alone is such a beautiful gift.

I am happy you have such a loving husband that is willing to walk with you and stay by your side. Nice to know there is this kind of love in the world.

This is a healing place when we allow it to be. A wealth of experiences here to give hope. Glad you are with us.
 
Welcome! Good for you for healing yourself so much! That is really impressive! I understand about the shows. I visit my mom every month, and they play the TV really loud and tend to watch news programs and police shows. All day, and it is on all night. It is never off. I can only tolerate a small amount of it since my brain hears yelling and frankly the news scares the poop out of me so I get where you're coming from. What a kind, considerate man you have! Maybe he could watch the shows when you're busy doing something else.
 
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