I became interested in this site just today when I read an old thread that described my exact situation. I felt I was not alone and I wasn't the only one anymore.
I suffer from a severe trigger to nudity/sexuality on TV and in all media. It causes instant panic attacks and I can barely function. Sometimes it takes days to recover.
What I find unique about my situation and the fact that I tend to think I'm crazy and that my PTSD is not as important as other sufferers is ....I cannot recall any sexual trauma or abuse in my childhood. Yet my panic attacks started when I had sex for the first time as a teenager. It was not a bad experience, so I dont feel it is the cause. I used to think I was severely insecure and jealous. Now that I'm in my early 40s and have spent years dealing with being afraid to live in this world with a husband and constant exposure, I have come a long way if I say so myself. I read books, practiced coping techniques, filled my toolkit with tools, went to some therapy, etc.
My first husband had a porn addiction and did it behind my back and told me that I was irrational and that's why he had to hide it from me. He blamed me for his need and inability to control himself. That marriage ended after I suffered a severe illness that I am proud to say I healed myself of through a complete diet and lifestyle change. He did not support me through the process and when I finally started feeling better and getting my energy back I realized how important I was and that my life was worth saving. And that life itself can be joyful and I felt liberated.
Yet when I found the man of my dreams and the love of my life a few years later I felt the same fear creep back up into me and paranoia that he was doing things behind my back like my ex. But it was made worse by the fact that I already had panic and anxiety over anything sexually related.
The one thing I hung onto is that this man really loved me. He wanted nothing else but to be with me and be truthful and honest. We have such a beautiful relationship yet inside of my mind there was still unrest, fear, suspicion and an inability to accept a pure love.
For the most part, we do not watch any shows in our house that display sexuality and nudity. Mostly because we have children and we watch a lot of kid shows and family friendly shows. But I show came up recently that he was excited to watch and I was so scared and I was either going to have to endure that he was going to watch it or I could choose to remember that we are best friends that he loves me truly unconditionally. I actually prayed about it and the first thing that came to me was that I just needed to talk to him. And when he brought up wanting to watch the show I said can I talk to you about it? I went on to tell him that he's already aware that I'm a little uncomfortable with the sexuality and nudity in shows. I said I really wanted to try hard to watch it with him and to watch it only one episode at a time rather than binge watch it. I wanted to because i love him and I know he is not the cause of this nor would he ever want to hurt me.
I knew in my heart that I was safe to have this conversation with him because I can trust him and he makes me feel safe. His answer was the most loving answer. He said he was okay with taking it slow and that if I felt uncomfortable at any point we could turn it off. He even said that it was just a show and that we don't have to watch it at all.
Just knowing what a beautiful relationship we have and the fact that even though he doesn't fully understand why I feel this way, he is completely willing to support me , makes me want to try everyday to be better not only for myself but for him as well. Because as we all know, when we suffer and we are triggered we tend to take it out on others.
I never knew a relationship like this could even exist. It has given me so much hope. There really are good people out there.
So not only am I here to ask for support and to ask for guidance to help heal my pain and my fear , I also hope to help someone else who has lost faith.
And I don't want to feel bad anymore that I don't know the reason for my anxiety, depression and PTSD surrounding this. In fact, it's even more frustrating because I have no answers. I can only deal with what's happening to me and go from here. I have asked why why why for years and years. And I'm tired of asking.
Being in the right relationship whether it's just with yourself or with someone as loving as my husband ( I am the luckiest woman in the world) is a true game changer
I suffer from a severe trigger to nudity/sexuality on TV and in all media. It causes instant panic attacks and I can barely function. Sometimes it takes days to recover.
What I find unique about my situation and the fact that I tend to think I'm crazy and that my PTSD is not as important as other sufferers is ....I cannot recall any sexual trauma or abuse in my childhood. Yet my panic attacks started when I had sex for the first time as a teenager. It was not a bad experience, so I dont feel it is the cause. I used to think I was severely insecure and jealous. Now that I'm in my early 40s and have spent years dealing with being afraid to live in this world with a husband and constant exposure, I have come a long way if I say so myself. I read books, practiced coping techniques, filled my toolkit with tools, went to some therapy, etc.
My first husband had a porn addiction and did it behind my back and told me that I was irrational and that's why he had to hide it from me. He blamed me for his need and inability to control himself. That marriage ended after I suffered a severe illness that I am proud to say I healed myself of through a complete diet and lifestyle change. He did not support me through the process and when I finally started feeling better and getting my energy back I realized how important I was and that my life was worth saving. And that life itself can be joyful and I felt liberated.
Yet when I found the man of my dreams and the love of my life a few years later I felt the same fear creep back up into me and paranoia that he was doing things behind my back like my ex. But it was made worse by the fact that I already had panic and anxiety over anything sexually related.
The one thing I hung onto is that this man really loved me. He wanted nothing else but to be with me and be truthful and honest. We have such a beautiful relationship yet inside of my mind there was still unrest, fear, suspicion and an inability to accept a pure love.
For the most part, we do not watch any shows in our house that display sexuality and nudity. Mostly because we have children and we watch a lot of kid shows and family friendly shows. But I show came up recently that he was excited to watch and I was so scared and I was either going to have to endure that he was going to watch it or I could choose to remember that we are best friends that he loves me truly unconditionally. I actually prayed about it and the first thing that came to me was that I just needed to talk to him. And when he brought up wanting to watch the show I said can I talk to you about it? I went on to tell him that he's already aware that I'm a little uncomfortable with the sexuality and nudity in shows. I said I really wanted to try hard to watch it with him and to watch it only one episode at a time rather than binge watch it. I wanted to because i love him and I know he is not the cause of this nor would he ever want to hurt me.
I knew in my heart that I was safe to have this conversation with him because I can trust him and he makes me feel safe. His answer was the most loving answer. He said he was okay with taking it slow and that if I felt uncomfortable at any point we could turn it off. He even said that it was just a show and that we don't have to watch it at all.
Just knowing what a beautiful relationship we have and the fact that even though he doesn't fully understand why I feel this way, he is completely willing to support me , makes me want to try everyday to be better not only for myself but for him as well. Because as we all know, when we suffer and we are triggered we tend to take it out on others.
I never knew a relationship like this could even exist. It has given me so much hope. There really are good people out there.
So not only am I here to ask for support and to ask for guidance to help heal my pain and my fear , I also hope to help someone else who has lost faith.
And I don't want to feel bad anymore that I don't know the reason for my anxiety, depression and PTSD surrounding this. In fact, it's even more frustrating because I have no answers. I can only deal with what's happening to me and go from here. I have asked why why why for years and years. And I'm tired of asking.
Being in the right relationship whether it's just with yourself or with someone as loving as my husband ( I am the luckiest woman in the world) is a true game changer