Hot and Cold Therapist UPDATE, termination letter to therapist

jren23423

Not Active
I need advice on how to deal with a hold and cold therapist who is making my trust issues worse. Everything was ok until I started looking for a job, and then our focus shifted from my recovery to obsession over me getting a job and her getting me to a point ''that I won't need her anymore''. When I got a job offer, she started ignoring all of my emails for several days and sometimes not responding at all. This triggered me to the point I was afraid to take the job, because I was afraid she was going to abandon me as soon as it started. When I addressed these concerns with her, she threatened to call mobile crisis on me and said that some therapists leave when things get tough but that isn't her and that she isn't going anywhere.

Fast forward to 2 sessions later, today, the job ended up not working out and the lady in HR refused to accept my new hire paperwork because of the mistakes and my handwriting after I already went in there and was told to fill out the paperwork a 2nd time. When my therapist asked me how I was doing, I said I wasn't worried that this had happened to me and she proceeded to tell me that she feels like when she looks through our notes that I am not making any progress and she doesn't know what to do with me anymore or where to go from here. She suggested I see someone else, and said that their agency gets audited from time to time and that they would want to know why she was continuing to see a person if they weren't making any improvements. I told her that promising her I would continue to stay alive each week has been the most progress I have been able to make in a while and I was sorry that wasn't enough for her and proceeded to start crying. She then went on to say that she wasn't going anywhere and she was sorry. It didn't feel like she was actually sorry. I have told her things I have never told another person in my entire life and can not bear ever telling anyone else again. We have been seeing each other twice a week for 7 months, and I have already seen 4 other therapists before her. I can not see someone else again, and before she started going hot and cold on me we seemed to be making plenty of progress, at least I thought. I feel so hurt and triggered that she thinks of me as some random person and not a human being. What should I say if anything to her on Monday or should I just block her email and phone number and give up? I feel so heartbroken and rejected, and it has triggered me into a very emotional state where I feel like any second she is going to ditch me again.
 

Teamwork

MyPTSD Pro
I hear you. I wonder what is going on for her in this? She sounds under fire for something outside your control and hers for that matter. There doesn’t seem to be much integrity in saying anything to you about the audit of the company. She seems out of line and if that is out of character for her put it on her not yourself. We don’t get better under threats of any sort and I would find the use of her language loaded with stressors. Again the stressors point back to I’m guessing, something she is concerned about but has ethically no business sharing with you. It is difficult to know where to go from here. Sometimes if you really appreciate your therapist you can move forward, so you really need to review the aspects that made her good for you and decide if this breach of trust is worth, working through, given you’ve had others before her and you seem to have liked her for a time. Maybe ask her, her thoughts on how she see’s treatment moving forward towards gains and what the model of therapy would look like in order for you both to achieve it together. If she dumps it back on you then ya, close this chapter. It should be a teamed relationship with investment on both sides.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I hear you. I wonder what is going on for her in this? She sounds under fire for something outside your control and hers for that matter. There doesn’t seem to be much integrity in saying anything to you about the audit of the company. She seems out of line and if that is out of character for her put it on her not yourself. We don’t get better under threats of any sort and I would find the use of her language loaded with stressors. Again the stressors point back to I’m guessing, something she is concerned about but has ethically no business sharing with you. It is difficult to know where to go from here. Sometimes if you really appreciate your therapist you can move forward, so you really need to review the aspects that made her good for you and decide if this breach of trust is worth, working through, given you’ve had others before her and you seem to have liked her for a time. Maybe ask her, her thoughts on how she see’s treatment moving forward towards gains and what the model of therapy would look like in order for you both to achieve it together. If she dumps it back on you then ya, close this chapter. It should be a teamed relationship with investment on both sides.
Is her area of expertise trauma?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @jren23423 , I'm so sorry this is happening. I would be totally distraught if my T did this to me. I'm so sorry.

If you don't go to the next session, you're left with this on your own.
But she needs to sort this out. You shouldn't have to feel that you need to "progress" or she'll abandon you. What is "progress" for her? You feel you have progressed, so surely that is the whole f-ing point? (Sorry I am getting angry on your behalf).

Do you feel able to ask her these questions? Like others have said?

Does she get supervision?

And I'm sorry about your job. Is there a way to have that resolved?

You're going through really hard things.
 

jren23423

Not Active
I am writing a termination letter to send to my therapist tonight after the most traumatizing and horrible session I have ever had. My other thread ''hot and cold therapist'' goes more in depth about it, but basically I've been seeing her twice a week for 7 months and she tried to get rid of me today, saying their agency gets audited every once in a while and that she would have to defend her decision to keep seeing me since I haven't made any improvements and don't take her suggestions. I then proceeded to start crying and said I was sorry that my only progress has been agreeing to stay alive between each session recently but that she was the only reason I was still here. She apologized and then said she would keep seeing me, but couldn't predict the future and that she might die suddenly in a car crash and asked me what I would do in that situation. I didn't even know how to answer. She said she doesn't know where to go from here and when she looks through our notes we just end up back at 0 after every session. I just came out of a 3 month long major depressive episode and my sister unexpectedly died one day in August. I'm allowed to be stuck. Then she sent me an email about trauma processing and trauma narrative therapy, and said it was the direction she thinks we should take now and to let her know what I think. I sent a response saying I was willing to try that, but she ignored it. I have been up all night crying with horrible anxiety and I have no one to turn to, but I can not trust her ever again. This is the letter I plan to email her tonight.

Hi ____,


I know we discussed changing the focus of therapy to trauma processing and trauma narrative yesterday, but I have given it some thought and I wanted to let you know that I do not feel safe or comfortable continuing to see you anymore, or any therapist for that matter ever again. I am distraught and I do not see myself being able to trust you again after our conversation.

I am not sure how I am going to get through this on my own, but I guess I will have to. The dynamic has changed between us and what was once a safe environment has become distant and cold. I can't tell if there is something going on with you outside of therapy and it is because of that, or if it is because you have given up and you are waiting for me to be the one to end this and not you. Either way, I am in a lot of pain right now and I worry that if I continue to see you I will end up getting hurt again, so I guess this is goodbye.

Thank you,

Jamie
 

Rumors

MyPTSD Pro
Hey Jamie,
First, let me say how sorry I am that things are tough right now. I certainly can understand why you are frightened to open up to this therapist. However, I would urge you to sit with what has transpired just a minute before sending this letter. Sometimes when I give myself a little time I am able to see through some of my own cognitive distortions and see how I am projecting other issues on to my therapist. I am convinced mine will leave me too at times which makes me withdrawal and see things in a very black and white viewpoint.
Now, I am not saying this therapist is the one for you or that you don't have cause to feel distraught. What I am saying is you need to address it with her in session and talk it through. If she isn't the therapist for you perhaps she can help you find one. It sounds as if you need some support right now. I hope you consider giving it a minute to settle and instead of writing off therapy all together, perhaps approach it in a different more deliberate manner.
Best wishes...hang in there. Sending you strength!
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
When you say obsession over getting you a job, what do you mean? I'm a little confused. Context also matters. In what context did she say she was trying to get you to a point you don't need her anymore. It is a therapists job to get you well enough that you don't need to see her anymore. We heal, we don't need therapy and live our lives. That might of been what she meant.

I also see a lot of cognitive distortion in this on your part. It's ok, that happens to the best of us. Do you know why your therapist wasn't responding to your emails? There's so many reasons a therapist may not respond to your email. The idea that was going to abandon you if you took a job seems unlikely. You say you feel hurt that she doesn't think of you as human and that she thinks of you as some random person. That's a huge jump to make. Even if she felt that therapy wasn't working with her, she could care for you. It could be she's concerned her skill set doesn't work for you.
 

RussellSue

MyPTSD Pro
Everything was ok until I started looking for a job
I am not sure if this has any relevance but many moons ago, I was in group therapy with 2 therapists and all was well until I started looking for work. Ultimately, they felt that I was not ready and that I should be paying more attention to my recovery than to having/finding a job. This ended our therapy because I really wanted to work.

Who knows but it does sound like your therapist has some of her own expectations to work on and is maybe not equipped for what she is doing with you, which is a long way of expressing that I too wonder if she is trained in trauma therapy. If she is not, you might end up with bigger problems than this.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @jren23423. I've had some terrible therapists but eventually found a really good one. Haven't seen him for months because of covid 19 but I know I'll go back to him. ( I didnt want to do teletherapy/video chat). I know that you said you had told this therapist about things that you hadn't told anyone else and I think I remember you saying you had maybe 4 therapists before, but if this situation doesn't resolve itself, (I hope that it does) then you might have to start looking for a new one. Don't let this situation drive you nuts. Keep your resolve and integrity and just say to yourself 'right, enough of your bullshit I'm just going to find someone who is better than YOU and who is willing to help me'! Hang on in there.
 
Top