No matter how I look at it, no matter what choices I ultimately make, I am not met with a sense of peace. I now fully understand the scope of my childhood and the parents that I did not have and will never have. While I make these choices for the betterment of myself, the future ahead of me is bleak. Everyday will be a challenge for me. I have to work harder than so many people around me just to feel happy and recover from something that I didn't choose. I was an innocent child, stunted before I was even able to speak. Everything that I knew about how to live and survive in this world is a lie and getting to a point where I have a better understanding of how to cope with the trauma so that the world seems less intolerable is so daunting and I just don't want to do it. I tried so hard for it all to just come crashing down. None of it was ever my fault, and I don't want to reparent to myself it's just too much. I practically raised my younger sister and I was my mother's care taker for my entire life and now the burden of getting myself to a place of happiness is on me and I just am tired of the responsibility. It's too much to handle I'm only 23. I'm trying to finish school, I'm trying to act like my life didn't just shatter before my eyes, and I'm just really tired of it all. I feel truly alone in this world at this time in my life. Yes I have friends and the semblance of a support system, but they can only do so much because they aren't actually my family and most of this shit goes beyond what they can even help me with. Im tired of doing the hard work, Im tired of having no one to offer me care and affection. I'm tired of crying and grieving alone. I wish I could just cry in the arms of someone I can trust and know that no matter what they'll be there for me.