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How can I come to terms with my mother being the enabler?

icey09

New Here
My mother and I have always been quite close but I grew up with an abusive father who would make me fear for my life most days of my childhood. One particular incident happened very recently where he attempted to kill me in front of my mother due to his anger issues. Because of that, another layer of trauma had been added and I’m forced to cope with more ptsd in my life. Now he has moved countries but I still live with my mother and I have come to resent her for facilitating his behaviour. If it weren’t for his abuse I wouldn’t have developed severe depression, anxiety and low self esteem.

I’m still learning to cope with these things but it has dawned upon me my mother was the enabler. It hurts to realise this after two decades. My mother and I used to go out for lunch, shop and do all the mother daughter things however now it all looks like compromise for the abuse I endured from my father. We used to be close, not anymore.

After realising this I have distanced myself from my mother (although we still live under one roof). I can’t even share a meal with her because she makes me so angry and uncomfortable with the fact she was the enabler. I can’t bear to talk with her, share a joke with her, do anything with her. Now she’s complaining I’m “bipolar” and I shouldn’t look upset all the time. She has always said these types of things when I got upset and I used to just listen to her, now I question her and question if she really believes what she is saying or if she is trying to manipulate me into feeling like the ‘bad guy’. I just don’t know what to do or if I should even confront her. Any responses would be appreciated💖💖
 
hello icey. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

on my own recovery road, placing blame blocks my recovery more than any other element i have encountered. placing blame keeps my focus turned outward as i play the perpetual victim. healing is an inside job and requires inward focus. whomever caused the wounds, it is up to me to heal those wounds. nobody else can do it for me. support is priceless in the healing journey, but the healing is up to the patient/victim.

or so it is for me. . .

steadying support while you find your own healing path. welcome aboard.
 
Your anger makes perfect sense.

Could you use the energy generated from that anger to motivate you to move out, and move on?
Thanks for replying,

I’m currently saving up to move out 😊

hello icey. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

on my own recovery road, placing blame blocks my recovery more than any other element i have encountered. placing blame keeps my focus turned outward as i play the perpetual victim. healing is an inside job and requires inward focus. whomever caused the wounds, it is up to me to heal those wounds. nobody else can do it for me. support is priceless in the healing journey, but the healing is up to the patient/victim.

or so it is for me. . .

steadying support while you find your own healing path. welcome aboard.
hiya👋,

I’ve found myself realising that I can relate with the blame blocks in the recovery road too. Your post gave me a lot of insight on how to deal with trauma internally, nobody ever showed me this perspective but from you! Thank you!

I agree with the victim being responsible for the healing journey, I think I have exerted too much energy on the external experiences rather than looking inward and finding self healing methods.Thank you again for your insightful post, I found it super helpful.

God bless 🙏💖
 
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