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How can i ever trust again without being drunk?

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by raindrop, May 14, 2018.

  1. raindrop

    raindrop Guest

    I’m really looking for someone to relate. As much as I hate that other people have been the same thing.

    I was sexually assulted 2 years ago now. In my home, by someone I thought I loved.

    Since him, I’ve only ever been able to get intimate with guys when I’m drunk or off my face. Every time a guy touches me, it feels like I have no control, they’re going to force me into doing something when I don’t want to and I have to push them away as it terrifies me. I flinch if someone touches me without prior warning, but that aspect is getting a little better. I haven’t had a real relationship since, they’ve all failed and I’m sure I’ve because of me. Because of what happened. I want to be able to date again, to trust someone again, I don’t want to have to get ridiculously drunk to actually enjoy it.

    Has anyone had this problem? Have they overcome it and how? I’m so in love with my best friend and have been for such a long time now and he feels the same but every time it comes down to it, whether he’s at mine or I’m at his, we start getting intimate and it’s when I have to stop. I trust him with everything, he’s so patient and knows the ins and out of my life but I know i can’t not give him this part of a relationship which we both want and I don’t know what to do anymore

    Thank you
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  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    Are you in therapy?
  4. Innordinate

    Innordinate Sarcasm is a way of life

    I can relate. I can't get be with anyone unless I've had a few to drink. I don't know if it's a trigger for you, it is for me. Having to give what feels like full control over to someone else, to be that exposed and vulnerable... no. Too much. I don't have enough positive association with intimacy to even come close to over riding the negative.

    I haven't found a healthy way past it, sorry that's not helpful. I found a balance for awhile of drinking just enough to be able to function and be intimate without being completely wasted. I stopped that too though, because it's not the right solution.

    I'm not currently seeing anyone, and have absolutely no plans to in the future but if I was going to have plans I would definitely book an appointment with a therapist and/or ask my current therapist for help getting past the trauma associated with that specifically so you can be intimate again.

    I think, give yourself time to work on it. Probably a lot of time, but I've seen many posts around here and seem to me people do get there.
    hithere likes this.
  5. Scarlet13

    Scarlet13 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, so therapy helps with this.
    You need to process the rape.
    You may have these triggers for awhile, but as my T says, "You can get your sexuality back."
    hithere likes this.
  6. SeekingAfrica

    SeekingAfrica Well-Known Member

    Real answer? It's complicated. For me, I felt like if anyone touches me I would scream... For me, I had a lot of failed attempts to date after, until a year and a half after I was raped I met someone special. We were friends for 6 months and only then dated. I was fully and brutally honest with him about what happened to me- I guess his reaction felt like a compass as to whether I can trust him to be understanding when it gets to intimacy. I fully trusted him and by the time we got together we were practically already in love. Still it took some time. Getting intimate, stopping whenever I freak out. Setting boundaries of things I thought could trigger me and agreeing to never even attempt them unless I request so...But all that worked. I mean, honestly, he's kind and he's crazy patient, I was extremely sensitive and full of triggers. But we worked through them together and I think what made it so much easier(and still so HARD) was the fact that I was in love and I trusted him with everything in me.

    Now we are apart, and I'll be honest, I'm very nervous about dating again. But now I know I am capable of healthy steady relationship even after everything, so I'll get through it- and so will you, I promise! Therapy and time definitely helped. "Warming up" also did, meaning not all intimacy is sleeping together, but just getting closer and closer, connecting.

    As far as being sensitive to touch, I go back and forth. When I get anxious it comes back to me. But in general it's a lot better now. I started going to ballet/jazz dance few years back, and it was so hard at first. There were a lot of moves where the teacher just needs to adjust your position for you to feel how your body should be- and I had so many times I felt like I'll have panic attack just because the teacher was adjust my knee and I was supposed to be still and allow that...And even though said teacher was a woman and extremely nice...but in time my love for dance worked like exposure therapy and now I can do things I've considered triggering in the past! It takes time, but you can get it all back.
    hithere likes this.
  7. hithere

    hithere Well-Known Member

    Yes to all your questions. Took a long time and the path went all kinds of ways. I did so many things in my sexual healing I can't list them. I mostly prayed. I had one friend I could share my sexual problems with and she shared hers and our stories are similar, so I had someone on that journey cheering me onward as I did for her. she and I prayed together out loud about it many times. It took sheer commitment at times. I had to stay in body, stay present, and walk through it. sometimes it looked terrible and it did not feel like making love. I think that's what CBT would call "exposure response" I don't have a short answer for you, but yes you can heal from it. Maybe I should write a how to book. Like don't do what I did, but here's some things that really worked for me. For me sex has a spiritual component to it. Many people don't feel this way and that's OK. It's just the way I have always felt about it, and when I tried to take that aspect out of it... it just did not work for me at all. Sex is wonderful! I sure hope you can learn that. I hope somehow in your mind you will believe it's worth staying in your body for. Loving intimacy with a sexual lover is TOPS! Better than food or drugs. So keep your goal in mind because it does exist. That would be step one.
    SeekingAfrica likes this.
  8. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

    The thing is if it’s taking alcohol then you are not being fair to them or yourself. I am concerned that if you are in a position where sober you might want to not consent to something you might go ahead having had so much to drink and that will compound your emotional difficulty.

    Working through this is difficult but not as difficult as avoiding it. Also, it’s ok to ask someone you like to wait and build trust and closeness while you learn to feel comfortable with them.
    hithere likes this.
  9. Strangelongtrip

    Strangelongtrip Active Member

    I relate so much. I was unable to have sex sober until this past year, three years after my assaults, this March, and the only reason I was able to have it sober was because I literally did a play by play of what was going to happen before with my partner (he knew about my sexual abuse). But playing it out beforehand really helped, made me feel safe.
    hithere likes this.
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