Sexual Assault How can I know if I was raped?


Help with thoughts

When I was 16, 3 guys took me behind their camper and told me to show 'myself' so I ran. They chased me and pushed me down. 2 of them held me down while the other pulled down my pants and touched me all over. I kicked him so he punched me out. I woke up later with my pants and panties off. I hurt a little after but I thought that was from them touching me. They left in their camper and never saw them again. I've just always wanted to know what they did when I was unconscious, if I was raped. How can I know if I lost my virginity? I feel guilty for my feelings because "I wasn't there."


That’s one of the things that sucks about being unconscious… most of the time there’s really no way to know exactly what happened. Even the broad strokes can be challenging.

I usually break things down into
- Obvious
- Suspicions (strong to creeping to intermittent to passing)
- No effing clue / IDFK …and probably never will.

I feel guilty for my feelings because "I wasn't there."
Other way around, in my experience. Being knocked out ADDS a complicated as hell layer of f*cked uppedness, (including incredibly tangled thoughts/feelings) rather than simplifying or eliminating.

Soooooo many people believe that the holy grail of sexual assault is “not your fault” …and being unconscious is the epitome of no possible way it’s someone’s fault who has been knocked out… that it’s easy to see how the idea not knowing has seeped out from that; like it’s only a problem if you know what happened, because it’s clearly not your fault if you were un-freaking-conscious. Nope. Doesn’t work that way. Guilt, blame, shame, fear, anger, helplessness, loss, grief, rage, confusion… aaaaaand all the rest, whether a person knows it’s not their fault -or- believes it is… still happen whether a person is violated in one way (physically); or in three ways / a triple violation (violating your body, your mind by taking your awareness, AND your agency / ability to make choices based off of your awareness.

You may never know if you were raped. Or how. (Digitally, orally, genitals, object). Or by whom.

You DO know you were assaulted, and sexually assaulted, and knocked unconscious, That’s a lot. And a lot to deal with.


I'm sorry that happened to you. And that you have these unanswered questions about what you experienced.

I feel guilty for my feelings because "I wasn't there."
I hope you can work through this guilt. Because it is traumatic to be unconscious with people who were hurting you. Just that alone (being unconscious with dangerous people), is traumatic. Never mind trying to work out what happened to you during that time. Not knowing is traumatic.
So there is no guilt on you for feelings. These feelings are there because of this trauma.