How can I move forward?

Loventhe80s

Not Active
This is my first time posting, so I do apologize in advance if this should be posted somewhere else.


Growing into adulthood, becoming a wife and mother my priorities shifted from partying, etc, however as my new path shifted I started to sense a difference in the way my friends treated me, or maybe their behavior was always there and I just started to see how passive-aggressive they were, their humor was gossipy and mean spirited, not just towards me but many people. As this happened, a couple was introduced into the group, I would constantly hear that they reminded our friends of us - everyone was pleasant, in fact you could say the husbands very quickly became friends. When the new guy would drink, he would drink to excess after-which he would verbally target people without a pattern. Many would ignore him.

One day, at my husbands birthday party, his behavior escalated. After everyone left for the night, this guy and his wife stayed - among friendly banter, unprovoked the guy took an open full bottle of water and threw it at my husbands head, my husband sat quietly and toweled himself off. They then decided to leave and the guy was getting up he fell into our patio screen. My husband wanted to move passed his friends bottle incident...and have a get together at our home. I didn't want to be home, and seriously considered staying at my parents that night - I just had a bad feeling about that night. This guy, in a drunken stupor and in front of his wife, attempted to grope my breasts from behind me... as my husband was outside on the patio with the other friends! I very calmly moved his hands away from me, however he pushed himself again towards me...his wife grabbed and pulled him away.

I tried to confront my husband about his friends behavior many times...and I'm not sure if it was because of the pandemic or sheer denial... but why in the f--k did it take a solid month after hearing another man try to touch his wife before he confront him?! Why was he mad that I wouldn't accept the guys asshat apology (apologizing for my feelings, not his actions)?! Why would the wife lie and say to my husband it was "just a hug."

I feel I can't trust anyone in that group anymore. I decided after that to nix the entire group, I don't feel safe anymore.

The friend to this day continues to call/text my husband, who continues to talk to him as if nothing occurred. I felt like I was asked to sweep this incident under the rug so the friendship can remain intact. We even recently met up with one of the couples from the group WHO KNEW NOTHING and I ended up telling the wife everything. My husbands response was quietly saying, "...now everyone will know..." WTF?!

I have known my husband almost my entire life, and he has never had patience for this crap...he always had a zero tolerance policy and has kept a very close few close to his heart. When I would walk down the street with him, I felt safe... I felt loved. I don't understand/recognize my husbands behavior anymore and its really confusing me. He says the right words, but his actions reflect something else.

An entire year passed (pandemic) and for an entire year I felt safe, I had my husband back. No calls, no groping...peace...

Then last week he called. I'm now stuck in last years events, with the unspoken feelings of asked to forget, and asked to ignore.


Today I woke up wanting to move into the guest bedroom because I don't recognize my husband anymore...I'm mad the guy, the wife and the friends....but so mad at my husband too. I feel like I'm losing a grasp on reality through this unspoken denial of events.


How can I move forward, keeping my sanity and confidence intact?
 
This is such a tough thing to process. We need our partners to protect us from that behavior you described. It is a crime to grope someone without their consent I thought. Truly hope your husband will come to the recognition of what he needs to do, to make you feel safe.
 

Cypress

Confident
I think the big unspoken issue here is alcohol. Clearly this guy has an alcohol problem. He was probably blackout drunk and doesn't remember groping you and doesn't really believe it. His wife and your husband are acting the way most enablers of alcoholics do. I've been that partner and I know how it happens.

Maybe your husband doesn't want to confront him because that would mean examining the role of alcohol in his own life and yours. Maybe not. Just a thought.

Rather than trying to get outside help by trying to enlist friends or getting mad at your husband, rely on yourself for help. Maybe you have grown and changed over the years and need a new set of friends who don't drink to excess. Maybe you and your husband have grown in different directions and need
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
I think there are few different issues here from my understanding which is not always full view:
Substance abuse - does your husband drink? Maybe in order to excuse his drinking, he is defending this guy - weird but some people do this sort of displacement.
Is the other man professionally related to your husband or has some power over him (perceived or otherwise)? I do not get the deference especially when you said your husband did not put up with this bs before...why now? and why this guy who was also violent toward him.

The assault on you is quite jarring itself. I mean it happened in front of the wife. So that tells me this man is predator (and open about it) and does this often and perhaps by talking about it, someone will have even more violence against them from him and calls cops.

I do not have answer other than maybe therapy to help you maintain your self respect and confidence until you decide what is right for you.
 
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