How can I scape from myself?

Corvidcore34

Learning
Lately I have been feeling extremely down if I'm being honest, and I could blame it a lot on other people and circumstances, but it has been honestly my fault. I wish I could scape my head for just five minutes, I feel like my mind is a jail that I'm going to be trapped in forever, and I'm never gonna get away from it.

This is for a couple of effects of my PTSD that have been getting worse recently. My hypervigilance for example is getting bad, I have been having more trouble sleeping lately and the continuous periods of anxiety and fear of being harmed and needing to hide have been lasting longer. It also has been getting worse my desire to not be "dirty". I always when I don't look presentable start heavily disasosiating, where I feel like my body and my life is not mine but my abuser's, and start acting in autopilot mode, but lately it feels like the requirements for me to feel normal have been going up and don't know why.

I have also bee noticing how these things affect my relationships. For example, I always have to be in a group in order to feel comfortable, if I'm left alone with someone I start panicking that the other person is gonna harm me, even if it's irrational. I have also been daydreaming a lot of other people harming me, it's extremely weird. I haven't had a flashback of the actual events of abuse in a long time, but I have been having daydreams where I imagine the people closest to me harming me, and it's really making it harder to get close to people, it seems like the more I get close to someone the more it happens. Sometimes I wish I could just tell someone, but how can you explain a friend or familiar you are hanging out with that you were having a daydream about them raping you or killing you that felt extremely real a few hours prior to seeing them? I feel like I'm broken and no matter where I go, whatever help I get or who I will tell ask for help, in the end I will still be trapped inside my mind.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling I just have felt that I'm forever trapped inside my head recently and don't know what to do.
 

Friday

Moderator
I have also bee noticing how these things affect my relationships. For example, I always have to be in a group in order to feel comfortable, if I'm left alone with someone I start panicking that the other person is gonna harm me, even if it's irrational
That’s very much my kid.

In no small part? Because he’s the rare-bird; an outgoing extrovert. The kind of person who gets his “alone time” by gaming with 20 people, or going to a concert/lecture/etc. surrounded by hundreds.

As an outgoing introvert it took maaaaaajor thinking outside the box when he was little to get him the degree of social connection he needed just as badly as introverts need alone time to rest/recharge; with the same results when denied social interaction (a shy introvert would be expected to have meltdown in tears and tantrums when thrust into a middle of a raucous party; because the whole durn thing was overwhelming & physically/emotionally painful). It took 8+ years until he could handle even 5 minutes spent alone, and even today as an adult? He’s got a max of maybe 10-20 minutes before he’s f*cking suicidally overwhelmed.

There is, quite simply, too much going on in his head/heart. He needs the recharge of being around others in order to manage everything else going on in his life. In exactly the same way that many people isolate, in response to stress? That’s how introverts stay moderately sane/balanced? As an extrovert he needs the opposite, when going through a hard time.

Ditto to you… when he’s going through a hard time… 1:1 interactions are almoooooost as bad as being by himself. Because all of the stress/hypervig/etc. now has a focus. Whomever is right in front of him. But in a group? It gets dispersed so much that he “knows” it’s not actually any of the people there, he’s just running a bit hot, and so he can relax, rest, recharge, have fun.

***
I reeeeeeeally dislike telling tales outta school / hate to speak for my boyo… but I also think he would understand in this case… as outgoing extroverts are really, really rare. The vast majority of us fall into either shy extroverts (wallflowers) & outgoing introverts (mistaken as extroverts 99/100). Outgoing extroverts are as rare as hermits & true lone wolves. It creates a very difficult path to walk, so many problems/variations that the bulk of us never experience; so I’m pretty sure he’d be okay with throwing a nod/hug at a brother/sister.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
wherever i go, there i am.

it works better for me to work on liking myself, just the way i am, than continually trying to run away from myself. once i like myself, just the way i am, i can care enough to, gently and lovingly, go through all the trouble and fine tunings to improve myself.
 
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