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How did you learn to express your healthy anger?

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Deleted member 12723

If I have posted in the wrong place please move this to where it belongs, thank you.

I have realized that since I found my voice and have been starting to use it I really am finding myself struggling with expressing my healthy anger and some of it is coming out in passive aggresive ways which is very unhealthy.

I know that many here were abused as children by very angry and abusive, rageful parents. I understand because that is my background too. I was never allowed to say the word no or I do not want to or express my healthy anger in any way at all by my very abusive, rageful parents growing up.

Has anyone here been working on expressing healthy anger in therapy and do you wish to share what that process has been like for you?

Or have you never dealt with your anger issues in therapy? Because I just realized that I have been in therapy for nine years and never ever worked on learning how to express my anger. I have just been not dealing with it for most of my life and yet there have been occasions in my childhood and teen years and adulthood where I felt incredible anger and expressed it in unhealthy ways being more frustrated than anything else. It does not happen very much anymore in my life because pretty much I have pretty safe people as friends and acquaintences.

But in talking with another friend who also has PTSD it was mentioned that they have the same struggle too.

I understand that it is a symptom of having PTSD that we all have times of being overreactive with our anger.

I want to learn as much as I can about expressing anger and maybe if you felt as if you could share an experience of it in your life, it would really help me to begin to come to terms with my own.

I am in therapy and the next appointment I am finally going to address dealing with my own unexpressed anger. But I wanted to understand what I am unaware of and really want to deal with this in my own life.

We all share the symptoms of being over reactive in our anger. It is one big complicated mess.

How would you like other people around you to better understand your own over reactiveness? How would you like a supporter to deal with expressing your anger? I hope that these questions help to gain some clarity. Thank you.
 
My T suggested punching a pillow, or something else that wouldn't get harmed, or hurt me. That has helped at times, because I tend to break things or hurt myself when I'm angry. What also helped was getting an 'anger doll', which in my case was a tough dog toy, that I could use to express my anger. I can pull on it, throw it, whatever, without guilt.

Being angry around people is harder. I still occasionally lose my temper. But I'm learning to notice when I'm angry, and why, and how it affects my behaviour, which is helping me catch it sooner and prevent it causing damage.

It took a while for me to stop being scared of my anger, but it's just a feeling, like any other.
 
@Rain Anger is something I have an issue with too. Sometimes I can take a step back and not fly off the handle, but other times...... Like yesterday, I’m not feeling great and my health insurance just changed my plan a few weeks age, which has caused problems when getting services, everywhere I’ve gone. So yesterday I lost it with my local hospital.

It’s a great question though and I hope someone or some grand wizard will step in and post on just how to control ones temper when you’d really just like to tell someone to f*ck off!!!!!
 
I accidentally learned to take a step back and calm down, then I could choose to act rather than to react. *(or to do nothing if that were my choice). I am still not sure exactly how I learned to do this, but it works!

It is easier said than done but, with practice gets easier to do. Also my "t" taught me to talk it out rather than to strike out with my fists. He said that hitting pillows teaches me to strike out with my fists when I am angry and that, that was not a healthy way to deal with anger.

Also I've had hypnotherapy where a closed fist was used as a post hypnotic suggestion to induce a calm state of mind, so that all I need to do to calm down and to feel in control is to make a fist, (but I do not use it to hit unless I have to).

Stating how I feel using "I" statements, to keep from putting the other on the defensive or escalating the situation, also helps. After stating what I feel, I ask for what I would like to happen instead of whatever is occurring. Although I must admit, I need to work on this in therapy to get the idea down pat.

Hope this is helpful,
Lion
 
Hi I've found various ways to deal with my anger from screaming into a pillow... To owning a punch bag and hitting it until I feel better.

I also cycle and I can push myself to let all the anger go. I think it depends on what feels comfortable for you......anger is a very strong emotion but very necessary.... No wonder ur Angry.... I feel it's so much better to let it out then keep it in..... It's obviously a lot harder if you out and about and want to punch the person who cut you off... Or was rude to you in a shop... That's just part of life I think though mind you many times it happens stopped me from speaking back to them. But that's OK cause I never used t express myself... So maybe I am playing catch-up. Take care.... Oh and the only problem with shouting back at someone is you may have to deal with there anger too..... Not so good.
 
For me learning to derail the thought train about whatever is currently pissing me off, has been the most helpful thing.

Stupid f*cking lazy driver. I said "don't stand there". I said it yesterday and the day before. How stupid are you? How many times do I have to tell you before you you get it through your stupid fat head? This is f*cking ridiculous. f*cking listen asshole. I said don't stand there. f*ck. Pay attention dipshit. Just once in your f*cking life do as you're f*cking told. I shouldn't have to repeat myself this often, f*ck sakes. Enough. What is going on in your tiny little brain? Let me guess... "Oh look at me. I'm a truck driver I'm so clever, I bribed a driving school to give me a class 1 licence. Hurr durr, hurr durr. I can't even back the stupid trailer into the wide open bay door. But I think I can tell this guy how to do his job. Hurr durr!" Yeah, that's exactly what he's thinking. Stupid prick. Needs to go f*ck himself, dumb shit. f*ck he's pissing me off.
This will go on and on and on and so forth, for hours. Amping myself up, more and more the longer I do.

I want to mention that I don't say what I have written in the spoiler above, to the person I'm fuming at. I know I'm not being nice to them when I do speak, but I don't spend hours hurling verbal abuse at them.
I still don't think I have this honed well enough. While I don't cross the abuse line, I know I am still coming off too hostile. I'm better than I used to be, but still need to improve.

My T suggested punching a pillow, or something else that wouldn't get harmed, or hurt me
Mine told me to stop doing this, ironically. I found it was really good advice.
I know for myself, venting in this way was only giving myself a reason to keep the cyclical raging thoughts repeating. If it works for you, awesome. I had to stop doing this for myself though.

What I do to derail the thought train is to first recognise that I'm cycling anger, then tell myself "STOP! Let. It. Go." Then immediately think of something different, while doing a bit of a breathing exercise. If I revert back to the anger, I immediately again say to myself "STOP!" and breathe more.
Usually I can get myself onto something more pleasant within 2-5 attempts.

Dealing with the pent up anger comes to some amount of rationalising how justified my anger was (usually not very) and letting go of it, as it wasn't important in the first place.
Some of it I turn into humour. Either about the situation or my overreaction to it.
The rest I take time to do something I enjoy, or otherwise distance myself from the cause of the anger, so I don't dwell on it. This usually applies to things I can't resolve or change, but just have to live with.
 
By crossing the line a few hundred times.

***

My anger comes from the other direction. For a long time rage was probably my single biggest problem. So I had to learn to do a few things :

- Dislike it // The results of it ... Okay. This is a problem.
- Recognize it... In the moment.
- Insert a pause... Change uncontrolled reaction to a chosen response
- Downgrade... The classic example I usually give is street fight > bar fight > sparring > exercise.

So I had to change my both thinking & my actions. The nice thing was that the more I did one, the more I could do the other. Which meant the more I could do one, and the more I could do the other! A very cyclical process of each step leading to the next, and the next, and the next. In a good way. Where I wanted things to be heading. And what was hard as hell to begin with gradually became easier, until it became knee-jerk.

I WISH I'd had this thread >>> Dealing with anger <<< back when I was first doing it.

So... Both ends working towards the middle? There's probably a lot of stuff in that thread you can use, if you have the distance to reverse engineer. I could come up with examples, like where I was downgrading towards healthy (sparring & exercise both equally healthy, one still physically aggressive but very controlled, the other completely neutral) you would be upgrading to neutral (from repressed) & focused expression (after getting comfortable in neutral use)...but I don't know which parts of the thread would resonate with you / be useful pieces.

One VERY important warning/suggestion? What we practice, we become. So practicing healthy anger? :tup: Exactly what you want to train yourself in. Simply indulging in anger? (Screaming, hitting etc.) Teaching yourself to lash out? Would build in a lot of bad habits. So I would very much suggest to go for the neutral first. Then something that is directly focused. So that you have the solid foundation of discipline & control... Before you tried for uncontrolled expressions of anger.

***

Ex)
Neutral
- instead of screaming when angry > singing is a good example: learn to control how you use your voice; or speeches/toasts/etc, learn to control how you use your words...
- Instead of hitting things like pillows > learn to control your body (sport, dance, acting, etc.)

Focused
- instead of screaming when angry > debate/arguments, learn to use your words when emotionally charged; or from the other side / screaming when happy (like cheering at a sports match, aka there's emotional charge, but not a negative one); or shouting over distance (remove the emotional component, but keep "yelling AT someone" piece there).
- instead of hitting when angry > hitting in very structured / controlled environment; martial arts of any kind, but also things like kneading bread dough! Or taking a stage fighting class, so you're *never* actually landing a blow! but still going through the actions of fighting.

Both neutral and focused activities still burn off / ie USE a lot of aggression (instead of bottling it up), and would start teaching you not to stuff &/or disassociate from anything that uses the same kind of energy, as well as to not to see all kinds of anger &/or violence as the same (someone shouting or hitting? Can actually be fun, and feel good/relaxing when it's happening AND when it's over... instead of doom/danger!)
 
Interesting thread, @Rain. This also talks to me. I have been angry since I was a teen.
Things that worked for me: Fast walks, shopping, listening fav music and dance, including some "bad words" on my speech. Also smile to my own anger, because I have the right of been angry. Giving credit to myself and having inner conversations, like one side of me is angry and the other is listenning with care. And does helpful questions.

More: Writting hate letters to the people that hurted me, but never send them. Didn't work the pillow thing, It makes me more and more angry.

Others' anger can paralize me. In fact, I start trembling if someone near is angry. My mother used to burn on anger when I was teen, and, if I desobeyed her demands, she will hit me. Also fear my own anger, Tasmanian Evil type of anger :eek::rolleyes:

( I don't know if I have said anything helpful)
 
Once I learned that everything is energy and that anger is yet another very necessary emotional energy we have, and eventually re-learned how to breathe and consume everything I ingest and use around me more healthily, I was finally able to feel more in control of it rather than letting it continually and mindlessly control me. I was drowning in my own bodily functions, pretty much, as I was busily fighting off rapidly multiplying symptoms and side effects just like I'd been taught to do.

Realizing I had to be the one to make the conscious choices and efforts in each moment of overwhelming anger of either fueling the intense rage mode that has some nasty aftershocks, or fueling choices that could lead to actual life enrichment, or at least some damn peace, instead, which felt odd and bizarre as shit the first few times, was incredibly helpful. I learned that by watching others who seemed to have a much better grasp on their emotions than I felt I did, and by asking questions and practicing some of the things I saw them doing. I was used to always feeling like I HAD to fight, no holds barred, no matter what the issue of my anger was if I wanted to survive. I felt if I let stupid shit go, I'd be setting myself up for bigger shit, so to speak, not realizing I was stacking the deck against myself the whole time.

Giving someone a piece of my mind sucked the life out of me...although in the moment it feels like the opposite thanks to adrenalin and such, but everything that gives also takes. Giving them a piece of my heart felt much better. Seeing my anger reflected in their responses and vice versa...wondering what that person must have lived through to speak to/act towards/do whatever they were doing to piss me off...knowing now that hurt people hurt people, even if not intentionally. Some moments and some assholes warrant the immediate rageful responses and fight mode, for sure. But realistically, many moments of anger that I experienced were geared more towards anger at self for something I didn't yet innerstand, or leftover feelings of feeling totally helpless to do anything about it.

I used a speed bag punching bag both at home and at work for a while (that I purchased right after I quit smoking to help ease those rageful moments), deep diaphragmatic breathing is like an automatic reset of my emotional state in any given moment and is priceless, I do primal screaming into a pillow, while riding in the car, or out in the forest as necessary, I'll hammer nails into an old board, split some firewood if my body can tolerate it that day, go dig in the dirt and plant something so at least I'll feel something can grow from the shitty feelings, sing at the top of my lungs, dance like a fool, smudge myself and my spaces with sage sticks, bang on my frame drum or other percussive instruments and do some chanting, play my Native American flute and leak and squeak a little, or whatever strikes my heart in the moment that feels like it will bring relief. Our energy flows wherever our a-tension goes, for sure. I try to teach myself something with every struggle I encounter. I like to refer to them as A.F.G.O. moments....Another F'n Growth Opportunity.
 
Still learning but I'm learning to hold my anger by feeling my body impulse. This could be hitting someone or throwing cake at them or mowing them down with an Uzi. I was confused when T said this was essential to expressing anger in a healthy way but it has been. I think what it does is allow me to feel and hold it because I usually turn it in Ward. This is an outward expression even though imaginary. I've noticed I can articulate my unhappiness more appropriately lately and I don't back down like I used to do.
 
So far we've created a 1-5 scale where I am to fully disengage when I get to a stage 3. It's still a work in progress as I'm learning to make a full exit when I get to this point. The issue is compounded by my need to please others and my inability to ask for anything (I can't ask for even a break or time out).
 
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