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How do i begin to tell my new bf about past sexual abuse, assault, kidnapping etc?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Sev, Jun 12, 2018.

  1. Sev

    Sev New Member

    How do I begin to tell new boyfriend about past sexual abuse that I experienced from age 3 to young adulthood by various people in my life? I wouldn’t want to go into detail because no person would be able to listen and be okay, imho. I get exhausted trying to recount the numerous awful situations. Molested as a child by different people, some family members, at ages 3, 10, 12, 15, 16, 18...Telling my mom I was molested and her denying it happened and then blaming me for it.
    Almost kidnapped by a stranger, age 5; actual kidnapping by a stranger, locked in a home & assaulted age 22; locked in a room by family member molesting me and assaulted, age 12. Stalked at work and then locked at the back of the grocery store I worked at and assaulted, age 16 by a 32 yr old manager; reporting the stalking & assault and then getting fired while the man kept his job and got transferred to another store. Stalked on two other occasions by strangers I had 1 conversation with and then they wouldn’t leave me alone-one threatened to slit my throat etc. until my roommates reported him, there was a trial and he was shipped back to his home country.
    Raped by a “friend” while another friend held me down, age 21 and not even realizing I was raped until years later.
    Molested by a physical therapist and local, famous orthopedic doctor while receiving treatment (in my 20’s)... other medical traumas from rare medical condition.

    I have done incredible work to heal myself with therapies, self care, etc. and I feel I am enjoying life for the first time. I was a happy child and the suffering and mental anguish has only made me more myself, happy just to enjoy life. I also have a lifelong medical condition that causes chronic pain with dislocations, subluxations etc.
    But no one would be the wiser because I’m generally a happy person, albeit quiet, shy.

    I feel I have a great, happy relationship with this guy now but it’s still early in our relationship and I resent having to share this pain with him. Through my own persistence and the grace of God, I am healthy and sane. i feel learning how I was abused so many times in various situations, etc, - It would disgust and traumatize him, and affect our relationship in a negative way.

    I have been relatively free of triggers... Except, I had one recently. I freaked out and said some things :( and now he’s backed off. I didn’t realize I had had a trigger until 2 weeks later when I noticed he stopped reaching out to me. We were communicating almost daily and seeing each other weekly and now it’s been 2 weeks since we’ve seen each other. I’ve tried texting and there has been no response the past day.

    I dated quite a bit, more than I ever had before to find this person. I care for him and now he may think I don’t because of what I texted him....

    The only incident I’ve ever shared with him was when I was assaulted by someone I went out with on 1 date with but i got away unhurt; this person was essentially a hacker by trade & was savvy enough to hack into my accounts online and give me a good scare though. My BF Seemed concerned maybe disturbed by it and kissed and hugged and just held me.

    How do I relay the extent of the abuse I experienced without traumatizing him but still being open and honest? How do I begin a conversation I don’t want to have?
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  3. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    It sounds like you’re still getting to know each other and not official yet?

    I’d wait awhile before telling him anything more. I don’t think there is a need to tell him since you’re doing well, right?
    joeylittle and piratelady like this.
  4. Sev

    Sev New Member

    After about 5-7 dates, he wanted to be exclusive and I freaked out. So we postponed the conversation for a later date. We continued dating and
    he talked about wanting us to spend the night together recently and I freaked out. I said i needed to feel a deeper connection. But I do feel a deep connection.
    I think I was triggered thinking about being in a room alone with another person only I didn’t realize I was triggered. After reflecting, i realize i was probably triggered by association of being locked in a room and assaulted, in 3 different instances in the past...
    I’m actually okay being alone with him but the talk of being alone in a room with him triggered me and i feel I rejected him without meaning to.
    Now he hasn’t reached out or replied to my text.
    I don’t know what to say if/ when he reaches out again. I think I’m still freaking out/ anxious because I feel I need to have some kind of conversation about my past.
  5. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

    You could say something generic about needing to take things slowly. Definitely don’t tell him everything you’ve told us, not this soon, not all at once.
  6. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

    Just some perspective from the flip side. I'm a supporter, and I love a man with PTSD very much.

    I've heard a lot of my partner's trauma stories in detail. I'm not naive enough to think I've heard everything, but I've heard some gory stuff. I'm not traumatized by any of this. If anything it makes me appreciate what a fighter he is, and I feel thankful he survived with his life. I've felt grief or sadness at the thought of him going through all that, or anger towards people who have hurt him... but never anything that would make me feel negatively towards him. I think a lot of times people with PTSD feel shame or blame for things that have happened to them. Supporters aren't likely to see things that way. It's not your fault... nobody deserves the type of traumas that give one PTSD. I'd be willing to bet the vast majority of supporters would say the exact same thing.

    If anything, I'd say this is a typical supporter response... at least from a good supporter. Compassion and comfort.

    He's not going to know what triggers you if you aren't open with him. You don't have to get detailed.

    For instance, if he knew you had a past history of being kidnapped, telling him this^^^ would make sense of what happened between you guys.

    You need to obviously go at your own pace when it comes to sharing. You're in control of when and what you choose to share with him... however if you're wanting to be serious with him, and your triggers and symptoms are going to effect your relationship, it's only fair to let him know what's going on in some way. You can't expect somebody to be compassionate and understanding if they don't know there is something they need to be compassionate and understanding about.
    Mytime, LuckiLee and piratelady like this.
  7. Sev

    Sev New Member

    Thank you. I hope I get a chance to reconnect with him and share that I’ve had some trauma and I have triggers... I don’t know if it’s too late now.
    He hasn’t contacted me in 4-5 days.
  8. LuckiLee

    LuckiLee I'm a VIP

    Tell him you suffered trauma throughout your life and as a result you have PTSD. Give him information about the disorder and the basis of how it effects your relationships.

    This will give him the information he needs to make a decision. PTSD is hard for both the sufferer and the supporter. It's only fair he knows what is involved in a relationship with PTSD in the mix.

    Good luck. And do what makes you comfortable.
    Sietz likes this.
  9. Mytime

    Mytime Well-Known Member

    Hi @Sev welcome to the forum. I’m also a supporter. You seem like you care for this person and want a relationship with him. Every good relationship starts with honesty . That doesn’t mean you open yourself up completely. But you share what is comfortable to you. You haven’t heard from him and I can understand why your upset by that. If this is a person you feel you would like to see where the relationship goes. Then reach out again. You only need to share what is comfortable for you. You could tell him, you have PTSD from past trauma. You could tell him, you have worked very hard to work through your trauma. If he is your first relationship, also tell him that too. If it is your first relationship there is a lot you do need to process, because it’s all new to you. If he is the person you want to be with,let’s be honest, he needs to be worthy of your trust and love. You deserve nothing less. Sending hugs if you except :hug:
    Sev and joeylittle like this.
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