How do I deal with Rageholic sister

Hello i really need help my relationship with my rageholic sister is making me feel sick and crazy inside. her default response to any situation is to rage and course the maximum amount of harm to the object of her anger ..regardless of how in the wrong the other person is or is not its always the death penalty. I have been on the other end of it many a time she makes me out cast if i tell her something she does not want to hear then she feels bad and apoligises and i come back again but she never changes and now she is on this path of punsihment and revenge on are sister which is harming everyone around her . The thing what is driving me crazy is that i have came conditioned in to a fawning people pleasing role with her because i am scared of her anger so i just please and placate and look sweet on the outside but inside i am feeling incredibly resentful because i am shut down and controlled by her anger.. how do i confront it without making things worse...but to be honest i have reached a point were if she makes me outcast again for confronting her i dont care anymore i will never go back again because i do not want to live in fear
 

JGirl

Confident
I have a sister who had very toxic behaviours towards family members. I have had to put up very firm boundaries so that she does not impact me. She often cuts down other members so the she can inflate herself. The second she starts, I end the conversation and then step back from her for a while. I don't explain that to her, I just do it. I find this easier than getting into a battle over things.

One Christmas, she blamed me because my x husband form abusing my daughter and then started to say bad things about him-all in front of my kids. I packed up the kids and left immediately. That resulted in a 3 year period where we had no contact. It made it hard because I missed out on being with my family for holidays, but it was necessary. I was blamed for keeping everyone apart and that was hurtful, but my (and my kids) safety and well being are more important than what my family thinks. I got remarried during that time and my parents tried to get me to invite her to the wedding. I didn't because it would have just made my day stressful. 8 years later I don't regret not inviting her.

I do carry resentment towards her for things she has done but I also love her and would help her in a heartbeat if she needed me. Things have been very bad for her and while I am understanding of that, I won't let her be manipulative or abusive towards me or my children because of it. Honestly, we rarely talk. It is just better that way.
 

Friday

Moderator
how do i confront it without making things worse...
The exact same way she confronts making you stop fawning.

IE? You don’t.

She rages.
You fawn.

Those aren’t things OTHER people can change. No matter how much they love them, no matter how much they like them, no matter how important the relationship is to them.

It’s very much a “you do you” kind of thing.

Which sucks, for true, when you want to reach out and change them. But that’s not how people work.

You can have an honest conversation -or 300- about the Rage/Fawn issue, and it may very well help the relationship itself, or not, or make things worse…. but? Neither of you can change the other.
 
thanks for the input..what i would like to learn more about rageholism is were it comes from what is driving it why do they do it just trying to get to know the nature of the beast....

i did get the courage together to let her know i would no longer be visiting because i am frightend of the argument s and dramas that can easily break out and that its making me scared to say anything incase i get punished..
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i am prone to rage psychosis, myself. intensive psychotherapy has brought me a long way in containing and channeling my own rage but the tendency runs in my family and i continue helping other ragers through active participation in peer support. i still get plenty of exposure to the phenom.

i solidly believe i should NEVER engage a psychosis, mine or anyone else's, and rage is solidly a psychosis. i ply evasive maneuvers to the psychosis and save the reasoning for a more reasonable frame of mind.
 
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