How do I get help, too scared to talk

I was always gaslit for everything I felt and the physical pain of my CNS attacking itself all day every day due to traumas being ignored and being told to just work harder to plough through mental health and keep a big smile on and tell a different story all the time.

Now I've finally escaped aggressive psychopaths and a severely manipulate family of narcissists but I've never had support before, I'm dealing with ptsd of years of family rape which was blamed on me and physically I'm debilitated, even tho I spend a lot of time on my diet and trying to get a healthy lifestyle, mindfulness and yoga etc.

But the flashbacks are all day, I literally for more than 5 minutes and I get massive bouts of anger and self destruction where I have no control, I rip out hair, slice myself, smash my head, break things, and I cant deal with things being wasted so it feels worse after.

I'the doctors in the past have just told me to exercise more, stop eating sugar, all I ever hear is you're depressed and anxious because you're living unhealthily, but I'm not at all, after facing so much condescension I cant bring myself to talk the doctors again, it feels they too just think I'm making it up, I cant take it anymore, just make me think I really should be dead, I dont think anyone is going to give me the support and it's too terrifying to try and get a diagnosis.

Psychologically, mentally, emotionally and physically screwed up ALL the time, but I just feel I'm still expected to use the pain to work myself into the ground like my parents taught me, but workplace 3nvironments really love ppl like me who have no boundaries, inability to say no, and easily guilt tripped into doing others' work for them, even missing breaks or staying later than being paid for.

Also, anyone with fibromyalgia sick of being treated like theres NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, the agony and uncomfortability is constant, life just feels unbearable and I feel like I can never rest
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I get this completely @Sitstillsmilesilent . I am sorry you feel or experience the same. Was just thinking I can't remember if I made an error last day I worked (3 and fired), and similarly can't remember if I forgot other things, a person, actually. I cannot afford not to remember, and the pressures interfering and lack of any support and tiredness with all of it is unbearable. I too feel quite at the end of my rope. I hope you can get some change before it gets as I am. It all has become feeling, what is the point of any of this.

I am sorry this isn't more encouraging, I only hope you'll know you aren't alone in feeling it. (And I don't have Fibro that I know of, but a genetic issue plus arthritis neck to toes as part of the consequence of it, and irremdial pain and deep fatigue every day. But actually, I think my mibd and heart hurt more than my body. We can bear a lot if there's a reason, but without, not so much, I think. And it's frightening knowing all of it is totally on your own. (And I too, feel like I can never rest, or I can't rest, or sleep well.)

Hope you can hang in there. Welcome to you. 🤗
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I get massive bouts of anger and self destruction where I have no control, I rip out hair, slice myself, smash my head, break things, and I cant deal with things being wasted so it feels worse after.
Is there anything you can recognise that triggers these episodes? (Thoughts, situations, emotions)

If not, perhaps find some strategies that work for you to empty out your stress cup, because it sounds like it's overflowing.

My other hot tipi? While you're still learning coping strategies, when these episodes start, go and grab something out of the freezer, hold onto it with both hands. And keep holding. That helps physiologically ground your body back in the moment, without requiring any practice, or any kind of mental control (beyond actually grabbing something out of the freezer).

A good trauma therapist has the capacity to help you improve your daily lived experience immensely. As scary as it is to reach out? It's time to make that commitment to yourself. Life doesn't need to be this hard.