How do I get help, too scared to talk

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I was always gaslit for everything I felt and the physical pain of my CNS attacking itself all day every day due to traumas being ignored and being told to just work harder to plough through mental health and keep a big smile on and tell a different story all the time.

Now I've finally escaped aggressive psychopaths and a severely manipulate family of narcissists but I've never had support before, I'm dealing with ptsd of years of family rape which was blamed on me and physically I'm debilitated, even tho I spend a lot of time on my diet and trying to get a healthy lifestyle, mindfulness and yoga etc.

But the flashbacks are all day, I literally for more than 5 minutes and I get massive bouts of anger and self destruction where I have no control, I rip out hair, slice myself, smash my head, break things, and I cant deal with things being wasted so it feels worse after.

I'the doctors in the past have just told me to exercise more, stop eating sugar, all I ever hear is you're depressed and anxious because you're living unhealthily, but I'm not at all, after facing so much condescension I cant bring myself to talk the doctors again, it feels they too just think I'm making it up, I cant take it anymore, just make me think I really should be dead, I dont think anyone is going to give me the support and it's too terrifying to try and get a diagnosis.

Psychologically, mentally, emotionally and physically screwed up ALL the time, but I just feel I'm still expected to use the pain to work myself into the ground like my parents taught me, but workplace 3nvironments really love ppl like me who have no boundaries, inability to say no, and easily guilt tripped into doing others' work for them, even missing breaks or staying later than being paid for.

Also, anyone with fibromyalgia sick of being treated like theres NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, the agony and uncomfortability is constant, life just feels unbearable and I feel like I can never rest
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I get this completely @Sitstillsmilesilent . I am sorry you feel or experience the same. Was just thinking I can't remember if I made an error last day I worked (3 and fired), and similarly can't remember if I forgot other things, a person, actually. I cannot afford not to remember, and the pressures interfering and lack of any support and tiredness with all of it is unbearable. I too feel quite at the end of my rope. I hope you can get some change before it gets as I am. It all has become feeling, what is the point of any of this.

I am sorry this isn't more encouraging, I only hope you'll know you aren't alone in feeling it. (And I don't have Fibro that I know of, but a genetic issue plus arthritis neck to toes as part of the consequence of it, and irremdial pain and deep fatigue every day. But actually, I think my mibd and heart hurt more than my body. We can bear a lot if there's a reason, but without, not so much, I think. And it's frightening knowing all of it is totally on your own. (And I too, feel like I can never rest, or I can't rest, or sleep well.)

Hope you can hang in there. Welcome to you. 🤗
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I get massive bouts of anger and self destruction where I have no control, I rip out hair, slice myself, smash my head, break things, and I cant deal with things being wasted so it feels worse after.
Is there anything you can recognise that triggers these episodes? (Thoughts, situations, emotions)

If not, perhaps find some strategies that work for you to empty out your stress cup, because it sounds like it's overflowing.

My other hot tipi? While you're still learning coping strategies, when these episodes start, go and grab something out of the freezer, hold onto it with both hands. And keep holding. That helps physiologically ground your body back in the moment, without requiring any practice, or any kind of mental control (beyond actually grabbing something out of the freezer).

A good trauma therapist has the capacity to help you improve your daily lived experience immensely. As scary as it is to reach out? It's time to make that commitment to yourself. Life doesn't need to be this hard.


I agree with @Sideways , I missed the part she quoted. Perhaps also run, dance or sleep if possible, or otherwise expend the emotion/ energy. (I didn't understand, mostly I keep quiet.)

Best wishes to you and try not to be hard on yourself!


Hi, what's your support network like? Who do you have that you can console with and talk about your problems? Can you afford a therapist?


Much of what you describe is very familiar to me. By the sounds of it, your family could be mine. I'm so glad you got away from them, there is no room for people like that in our lives.
I am currently dealing with reactive arthritis and I feel I am treated much the same way. My rheumatologist told me to exercise 30mins a day, that is the optimal for health, but I am in so much pain I physically cannot do that and if I push myself to do even 10 minutes my pain becomes worse for the entire next day. Sometimes doctors just don't listen and it is so frustrating and I am genuinely sorry you have to endure the same thing.
There is an amazing man called Gabriel Mate, a doctor for decades who was born Jewish when Hitler was at his worst. He did a film called 'The Wisdom of Trauma' and does a lot of talks, writes books. He speaks about the damage trauma does to the body and how he believes that many illnesses are the direct result of trauma and stress, especially auto immune diseases.
Having trouble talking is also very familiar to me. I am over a decade into my trauma recovery journey and I still have difficulty talking to therapists. I really have to have the right fit as a therapist, one who understands this and helps me, doesn't just do the sit and be silent until the client speaks strategy.... because I never will when I'm struggling! My T prompts me and asks questions as he understands the fear behind talking. He also allows me to send him things I've written for him to read, as he understands there are simply some things, particularly memories that I can never express verbally. But slowly, having somebody to relate this horrible world inside my head to has become very helpful, although always stressful but it helps me eventually. If you can find somebody you can begin expressing how you're feeling to, that can understand you might not always be able to say what's in your head, then I highly recommend it. I was punished in a torturous way for everything I did as a kid, I think that's one of the reasons why I find talking so hard, but if you can be open and express that you've taken one important step. Don't expect the process of this to improve in a linear way though. Sometimes I think I'm getting better at talking and then the next week I'll just clam up and find it so difficult again.
Hang in there. You have survived so far, so you're already remarkable.
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