N
Nyoom
This is going to be kinda a mix between a question and a discussion, question will be at the end. And to mods, I have tried to find the rules for the forums to no avail, so if this violates any guidelines I apologise, I've tried to make sure it doesn't go into too much detail or anything.
So, when I was 6, I experienced a pretty textbook case of COCSA. It continued until I was 7, though I don't know exactly how long it went on as the longer it continued the more desensitised to it I became so the memories become fuzzy, as opposed to the clear memories of the first month or so. It was traumatising, especially since I was going through a lot of other situations at the time (Father had multiple life threatening illnesses leading me to have to literally save his life on 2 separate occasions, my mother was mentally ill and would threaten to abandon us, divorce our dad, yelled and screamed, said she'd kill herself, etc etc). Later on, I experienced smaller things, like potentially more COCSA at 9 (not sure if I'd count a boy a bit younger than me who consistently pressured me into kissing with tongues and then threatened to kill me and then himself by stabbing me and slitting my throat with a dirty broken bottle he found, but regardless of the label it was pretty scary and disturbing to me). An older man had tried to make me and my 9 year old sister dance for him in our swimsuits, which made both of us highly uncomfortable even though we couldn't explain why. Someone tried to kidnap me while abroad when I was around 10 or 11, I was sexually harassed by peers for a year after what happened when I was 6 got out somehow, someone tried to groom me when I was 15, etc etc.
This has left me with quite a bit of baggage surrounding relationships, and sex. I have been working through this, and after being put on medication for my anxiety and depression, I have been able to make real strides in my recovery all around, including s3x. I'm in an extremely loving relationship, and have been for 2 years. My boyfriend has been extremely kind and patient with me, and has been guiding me to understand my sexual emotions more (as I became sexually repressed to the point I thought I was asexual during my teens), helping me feel more comfortable with certain acts, and not pressuring me into anything. He's given me true motivation to recover, and we're finally seeing that start to pay off. However, while I'm getting used to touching and being touched, I just can't bare the idea of penetration of any kind. It's frustrating, as I really want to take it to the next level. I keep thinking I'm ready, but panic when it actually comes around to doing it and I need to back off.
Most of the COCSA I experienced was oral penetration, and as far as I am aware, I was never penetrated anally or vaginally. Granted, I have entire periods of time blacked out of my memory, and traumas me and my sister shared that she can remember but I can't, so if something like that did happen, it's not impossible I just repressed it to hell. But, thinking like that is how one can accidentally form false memories, so I tend not to think to deeply about it and as far as I'm concerned, nothing like that happened. When I think of me preforming oral on a man, I panic. I get flashbacks, and start sweating, heart beats faster, sometimes hyperventilate, the whole shabang. Sometimes it seems appealing for a bit, but then I start remembering how it felt when I was a child and I panic, and/or want to throw up. With anal, I'm more used to that. I'm less scared of it, actually. It's just the pain and the fact I have digestive issues that holds me back from that, which is really annoying because its the one type of penetration I feel I could bare. But vaginal, I just tense up and get terrified. I don't get flashbacks or anything, but I become extremely fearful. This has been lessening overtime, but not fast enough for my liking. I want to be able to live my life freely and do what I want, but my body won't let me. For reference, I can't even put a petite tampon up there, as I tighten up and it becomes painful and uncomfortable. I know I have vaginismus, but knowing does not help with dealing with it. I've been trying some methods, like self pleasuring, but I don't really get any enjoyment out of that. One thing that I have noticed, is that I feel safer doing it when I have more control.
Me and my boyfriend are into a bit of light BDSM, nothing too extreme. We are both switches, and alternate between who doms and subs. We are both gentle doms, always checking to see if the other are enjoying themselves and we have a system of body language to indicate certain emotions and desires, as well as ways to say to stop it all completely. We have equal control, it's more of a roleplay thing. When I am the dom, I feel much safer doing stuff close to penetration, and I feel very happy doing the things I'm doing. Not that I don't enjoy things when I am the sub, but certain acts don't make me feel comfortable while subbing, but I am completely fine with when domming. So, one thing I have figured is that I probably need to dom more often, since usually I'm the sub. But the other issue stands. I literally ban barely take my own pinkie. He, both luckily and unluckily for me, is pretty big. Like, that thing is a heckin chonker, a real big boy, a real Hungarian sausage. And I not only struggle with vaginismus, but also, I am shmol. I am 5'1, healthy weight for someone my height. My bondage gear barely fits me. People often mistake me for a 14 year old, even a 12 year old. So, uh... Not only do I need help relaxing enough to actually get my vagina to cooperate with my left brain and not my right brain, but I need help stretching it out. Doing so by myself would feel safer for me. I don't know how to relax the muscles in my body to control it, and furthermore, a lot of my anxiety surrounding this is because I associate sexual activity of all kinds with my trauma, even if some activity didn't even happen to me, at least to an extent. I'd like to know if anyone is having similar issues, and if they had them in the past and have now recovered from them, how'd you do it?
So, when I was 6, I experienced a pretty textbook case of COCSA. It continued until I was 7, though I don't know exactly how long it went on as the longer it continued the more desensitised to it I became so the memories become fuzzy, as opposed to the clear memories of the first month or so. It was traumatising, especially since I was going through a lot of other situations at the time (Father had multiple life threatening illnesses leading me to have to literally save his life on 2 separate occasions, my mother was mentally ill and would threaten to abandon us, divorce our dad, yelled and screamed, said she'd kill herself, etc etc). Later on, I experienced smaller things, like potentially more COCSA at 9 (not sure if I'd count a boy a bit younger than me who consistently pressured me into kissing with tongues and then threatened to kill me and then himself by stabbing me and slitting my throat with a dirty broken bottle he found, but regardless of the label it was pretty scary and disturbing to me). An older man had tried to make me and my 9 year old sister dance for him in our swimsuits, which made both of us highly uncomfortable even though we couldn't explain why. Someone tried to kidnap me while abroad when I was around 10 or 11, I was sexually harassed by peers for a year after what happened when I was 6 got out somehow, someone tried to groom me when I was 15, etc etc.
This has left me with quite a bit of baggage surrounding relationships, and sex. I have been working through this, and after being put on medication for my anxiety and depression, I have been able to make real strides in my recovery all around, including s3x. I'm in an extremely loving relationship, and have been for 2 years. My boyfriend has been extremely kind and patient with me, and has been guiding me to understand my sexual emotions more (as I became sexually repressed to the point I thought I was asexual during my teens), helping me feel more comfortable with certain acts, and not pressuring me into anything. He's given me true motivation to recover, and we're finally seeing that start to pay off. However, while I'm getting used to touching and being touched, I just can't bare the idea of penetration of any kind. It's frustrating, as I really want to take it to the next level. I keep thinking I'm ready, but panic when it actually comes around to doing it and I need to back off.
Most of the COCSA I experienced was oral penetration, and as far as I am aware, I was never penetrated anally or vaginally. Granted, I have entire periods of time blacked out of my memory, and traumas me and my sister shared that she can remember but I can't, so if something like that did happen, it's not impossible I just repressed it to hell. But, thinking like that is how one can accidentally form false memories, so I tend not to think to deeply about it and as far as I'm concerned, nothing like that happened. When I think of me preforming oral on a man, I panic. I get flashbacks, and start sweating, heart beats faster, sometimes hyperventilate, the whole shabang. Sometimes it seems appealing for a bit, but then I start remembering how it felt when I was a child and I panic, and/or want to throw up. With anal, I'm more used to that. I'm less scared of it, actually. It's just the pain and the fact I have digestive issues that holds me back from that, which is really annoying because its the one type of penetration I feel I could bare. But vaginal, I just tense up and get terrified. I don't get flashbacks or anything, but I become extremely fearful. This has been lessening overtime, but not fast enough for my liking. I want to be able to live my life freely and do what I want, but my body won't let me. For reference, I can't even put a petite tampon up there, as I tighten up and it becomes painful and uncomfortable. I know I have vaginismus, but knowing does not help with dealing with it. I've been trying some methods, like self pleasuring, but I don't really get any enjoyment out of that. One thing that I have noticed, is that I feel safer doing it when I have more control.
Me and my boyfriend are into a bit of light BDSM, nothing too extreme. We are both switches, and alternate between who doms and subs. We are both gentle doms, always checking to see if the other are enjoying themselves and we have a system of body language to indicate certain emotions and desires, as well as ways to say to stop it all completely. We have equal control, it's more of a roleplay thing. When I am the dom, I feel much safer doing stuff close to penetration, and I feel very happy doing the things I'm doing. Not that I don't enjoy things when I am the sub, but certain acts don't make me feel comfortable while subbing, but I am completely fine with when domming. So, one thing I have figured is that I probably need to dom more often, since usually I'm the sub. But the other issue stands. I literally ban barely take my own pinkie. He, both luckily and unluckily for me, is pretty big. Like, that thing is a heckin chonker, a real big boy, a real Hungarian sausage. And I not only struggle with vaginismus, but also, I am shmol. I am 5'1, healthy weight for someone my height. My bondage gear barely fits me. People often mistake me for a 14 year old, even a 12 year old. So, uh... Not only do I need help relaxing enough to actually get my vagina to cooperate with my left brain and not my right brain, but I need help stretching it out. Doing so by myself would feel safer for me. I don't know how to relax the muscles in my body to control it, and furthermore, a lot of my anxiety surrounding this is because I associate sexual activity of all kinds with my trauma, even if some activity didn't even happen to me, at least to an extent. I'd like to know if anyone is having similar issues, and if they had them in the past and have now recovered from them, how'd you do it?
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