SeekingAfrica
Sponsor
I am freaking out. This year hasn't been kind. I may need a job (70%sure,still need to check other visa options) to renew my stay here, for the last 90 days I've been tourist. Calling the office for visas already gives me panic attacks, and for many reasons I was not able to seek work prior. So I have up to 2 weeks, 2.5weeks to resolve this. At the same time there are some issues and delays with the online work I'm doing to get money for visa and work permit fees. All these tight deadlines after spending the first 3 months of the year at a place that was very negative for me. And also I need few work appropriate clothes as well because I had minimal wardrobe to begin with and then gained weight last year. Not a problem working from home, but it is one if I find a job.
So... I'm keeping it together and I'm not. I want to be here, I have no alternatives if I didn't either. I was having very dark thoughts when I was home at the start of the year, can't do another 3 months. I made a home here, I'd like a chance to build proper future. I'm finally functional after years of effort and this situation makes me feel like I'm sliding back. The past week I break tasks in smaller tasks and I'm functional one moment, but if few things go wrong I get in that hypervigilant shock state where everything is much harder to do. Which gets me to the state I was in when I started working online because it was all I could handle. I need documents to stay here. I need job to get documents. I need income to pay for documents. I need to be functional to apply for jobs and ask document questions. It's like a screwed up domino, 1 piece falls and the whole structure might tumble down.
Some moments I'm fine. Some I feel so pushed that it makes me have bad thoughts. Dark thoughts for one. For another, wondering would it really be so bad if I was without visa for few months(I know, yes!!). For another, wishing I could just not be there for 3 months so I don't have to deal with this. But I don't want that. I finally have good apartment, great friends. 3 months is a long time to be away again.
I'm having such day today. Can't get through to the office for visas to ask some questions. Can't do my on-line work because of an unexpected issue. So much to do and all of a sudden I'm in that state where I feel like everything is falling apart, 3 weeks is too little to get even most basic job, I won't get any income and everything will fall apart, and I can't breathe let alone edit my cv so I can go to some companies in person. Where 1 task feels so big it needs to be broken in impossible mini pieces or I can't cope and my mind is blank and I'm panicking. I want to have a chance. To finally pay off my debt. To stay. To have better wardrobe. To have a stable home. To have savings. And it all seems to be slipping away from me so fast. I'm so scared.
So... I'm keeping it together and I'm not. I want to be here, I have no alternatives if I didn't either. I was having very dark thoughts when I was home at the start of the year, can't do another 3 months. I made a home here, I'd like a chance to build proper future. I'm finally functional after years of effort and this situation makes me feel like I'm sliding back. The past week I break tasks in smaller tasks and I'm functional one moment, but if few things go wrong I get in that hypervigilant shock state where everything is much harder to do. Which gets me to the state I was in when I started working online because it was all I could handle. I need documents to stay here. I need job to get documents. I need income to pay for documents. I need to be functional to apply for jobs and ask document questions. It's like a screwed up domino, 1 piece falls and the whole structure might tumble down.
Some moments I'm fine. Some I feel so pushed that it makes me have bad thoughts. Dark thoughts for one. For another, wondering would it really be so bad if I was without visa for few months(I know, yes!!). For another, wishing I could just not be there for 3 months so I don't have to deal with this. But I don't want that. I finally have good apartment, great friends. 3 months is a long time to be away again.
I'm having such day today. Can't get through to the office for visas to ask some questions. Can't do my on-line work because of an unexpected issue. So much to do and all of a sudden I'm in that state where I feel like everything is falling apart, 3 weeks is too little to get even most basic job, I won't get any income and everything will fall apart, and I can't breathe let alone edit my cv so I can go to some companies in person. Where 1 task feels so big it needs to be broken in impossible mini pieces or I can't cope and my mind is blank and I'm panicking. I want to have a chance. To finally pay off my debt. To stay. To have better wardrobe. To have a stable home. To have savings. And it all seems to be slipping away from me so fast. I'm so scared.