SeekingAfrica
Sponsor
Exactly what I said, not much more to it. For example, I need extra side work or a new job or something that makes extra money to be able to pay a debt. But the idea that right now I can't pay that debt, and for about a year, knowing the same things I know now, having the same skills and ideas, I have not been able to do it makes me feel like I'm doomed to repeat the same thing. Suddenly I start counting the days until I need to make the first payment for whatever it is that I lack money for. It can be 3 days or 3 weeks, but it seems impossible nevertheless. All the countless times last year when I thought I can handle things and I couldn't, loom over me.
And suddenly I am so panicked that I start to detach. I start to feel like I'm sleepwalking. Feelings and memories of my trauma start to look at the back of my mind and my body starts hurting everywhere. Suddenly I can't concentrate on job applications or side gigs anymore, because I feel like I'll faint at any moment. All the fears and memories collide and I just can't be present.
I am on new medication and generally it makes me feel better, but when I start to think in this way, things get bad fast. And I tend to lose anywhere from couple of hours to several days just being unable to do any task that may make me panic, because if I try I do end up having huge anxiety or panic attacks. And I recognize that I make it bad by the formulation of my thoughts. Because it's the kind of thing, I might be worried about several bucks or several hundred, it doesn't matter, my mind will still scramble my brain with fear and panic over it... I am trying to put systems in my life and organize myself so there aren't so many things that can derail me, but I am struggling with one such instance right now and I am already having that daydream detached feeling a bit, and I need to snap out of it...
And suddenly I am so panicked that I start to detach. I start to feel like I'm sleepwalking. Feelings and memories of my trauma start to look at the back of my mind and my body starts hurting everywhere. Suddenly I can't concentrate on job applications or side gigs anymore, because I feel like I'll faint at any moment. All the fears and memories collide and I just can't be present.
I am on new medication and generally it makes me feel better, but when I start to think in this way, things get bad fast. And I tend to lose anywhere from couple of hours to several days just being unable to do any task that may make me panic, because if I try I do end up having huge anxiety or panic attacks. And I recognize that I make it bad by the formulation of my thoughts. Because it's the kind of thing, I might be worried about several bucks or several hundred, it doesn't matter, my mind will still scramble my brain with fear and panic over it... I am trying to put systems in my life and organize myself so there aren't so many things that can derail me, but I am struggling with one such instance right now and I am already having that daydream detached feeling a bit, and I need to snap out of it...