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Relationship How do i put my mask on first?

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Altair

I am engaged to a wonderful, amazing woman who happens to suffer from PTSD, BPD and generalized anxiety. What makes this situation challenging is that she is also several thousand miles away while we are waiting on a US fiancee visa.

We almost broke up yesterday. I had been feeling awful for weeks, crying (which isn't like me), getting angry with people (which REALLY isn't like me) and just generally feeling bad about the situation. I am constantly being told "you need to put your oxygen mask on first" but I truly don't know how. Yesterday when I told her how I was feeling, that I felt suffocated by always putting myself second and neglecting my family, friends and work here in America, she apologized left and right for how things have been lately. She said she feels she's been less than her best to me lately and selfish about her needs. There has been a lot of yelling at me lately, which she said is because she has no one else to vent to, and she admitted she knows is wrong and has promised to stop.

We are staying together, but she has suggested we set some boundaries so that I can still exist outside of our long distance skype sessions. She has promised to start taking her meds again, to start walking again and to try volunteer work again, which are all things that have helped her in the past. The last several months, we have talked almost every waking moment when I am not at work. We are going to cut that back, but I wanted advice on how to do this. Is it selfish to ask for one day a week where we normally do our own thing, two days a week that are "ours" (almost kind of reserved unless something MAJOR comes up) and then keep the other 4 days as casual or involved as we feel that day? I'm not good at pulling back, I know I need to take care of myself but it's hard when she is the entire world to me!

Any tips appreciated.
 
I think it is fine and right to ask for whatever it is you feel will reflect your tolerance level. In other words anything you need to do in order to no longer feel "bad". That isn't about trying to force her to take certain actions as she is responsible for that. It is about you taking responsibility for your own welfare. Not handing that responsibility over to her. That is just an extra burden. For you both. If she has a combination of BPD and PTSD you are going to have to get extremely good at setting boundaries and extremely good at avoiding slipping into eggshell stepping.
 
I’m a sufferer and I say that you are not selfish for taking time away and taking care of yourself. She has an illness and she needs support, but she still nweds to be responsible for herself and her treatment. If she hasn’t been doing what she needs to do to feel well and has chosen to take her pain out on you rather than ask for help getting back into a routine, then she should be held accountable for that and I think you are doing everything right so far
 
I think it’s more of a modern invention that people expect 24/7 contact....I mean it’s a product of technology, right? So when one doesn’t want that 24/7 contact, often they are made out to be the weirdo in it all.... I kinda wish that people didn’t have this expectation, speaking as someone who is pretty darn independent, and an introvert to boot!
 
Yes, you should set some boundaries. First is, she needs to be taking her meds and doing what she needs to do to be healthy. I see a couple of red flags.
1. She’s not taking her meds.
2. She isn’t doing what she needs to do.
Her words.
3. Your not taking time for your needs.
4. Your social life has changed, since
You are in a relationship with her.
If she is moving to you on a fiancé visa you are going to needs boundaries and also a plan. You have friends, work and family. She is coming to, no friends, no job, no family. How are you both going to manage things, once she moves there. I see a lot of stress coming your way and feel you need to plan and understand what can happen. I’m not trying to be a downer. Just want you to see a full picture. If it’s hard now, it can get harder. Educate yourself and have support for both of you.
 
Just out of curiosity, have you had a face to face visit while she's been symptomatic before? Or spe...

Ditto. It’s imperative that you experience this in person to determine if this is something you can not only handle, but also want for the rest of your life.

As in long extended periods of time together, a minimum of months, not days.
 
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