SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I have PTSD. I've always been emotional, I was bullied by some kids in high school(so low self esteem), I've been depressed...but it was all still at manageable level and I got through it.
Until I was raped when I was 21. In a summer mixed with losing friends to drugs, and facing issues upclose that I hadn't before-homeless people and addiction, and people getting shot...it was a bad environment in foreign country and for most of those 4 months I wondered if I'll survive and get home properly.
Fast forward a year. I was still in denial, and also close to graduating university, so I didn't feel I had space to deal with...whatever happened. After dating a lot of people, each for no longer than a week or two(to prove I was okay) I eventually meet the GUY.
We are happy and friends and in love. Best relationship I've had. Even before what happened, my longest other relationship was a year. But with him, settling seems easy. He makes me happy, and the other way around. 1 year after we get together I moved to his city, and it was a huge change for me.
Meanwhile that forced me to finally face what happened to me, because there was no other way I could allow myself to be intimate and close to someone otherwise. It opened up all the things I hadn't dealt with...
And that was fine. He was supportive, and that could have been a happy ending...But resulting that, I started to deal with my issues in different ways. The move to other city increased my anxiety, my depression, before I knew it I spiraled into triggers and PTSD again.
There is a lot more to that part of the story, of course. I got okay many times, just to spiral into even worse symptoms, and gradually lost myself. I hadn't been ready for a relationship, all vulnerable and confused, and I lost myself into the "we" part of things, and into dealing with my issues, even though he never asked me to. Part of the charm of our relationship was that we both liked being independent. And then...then I have all these issues and he's helping me in every way, and I lost myself+ anxiety+depression+flashbacks+social anxiety+ nighmares+ inability to work/make a living much at all the first 6 months in that city.
So in the process of getting better... I lost/buried parts of me. And we became one of those couples that only talk about daily stuff and problems.
Recently we had this talk where basically he said he doesn't know if my getting better(as I am finally in therapy) will come soon enough for us to stay together. And I don't know that either. It wasn't a total surprise, since I know how things have been lately.
But I know how this happened, and I know that in some of my good moments, we're still us, we can still have a good time, we still love each other.
I'm not sure if it's not too late- it may be...But if there is a relationship worth fighting for, that's the one....
So...how do I get us back to better place? How do I become me again?
I started therapy and meds, to work on my issues. I also just got office, which is also set so I can stay overnight if I want to, from time to time.
I feel like staying in the same room where we built this relationship and where I got so lost at first is making me think a lot in terms of "we" and "our" needs, and I feel like I severely need to figure out my own needs if I have any chance of being my awesome independent self again, and not a needy mess. So that will help. I'm getting keys from tomorrow, so (I hope) working there from Monday.
What else can I do?
As I said, it may or may not be too late, but at the very least, I won't go down for lack of trying. He's done so much for me, we have been so happy, and he's still amazing...so I have to give this the best shot I have...within my current capabilities.
Until I was raped when I was 21. In a summer mixed with losing friends to drugs, and facing issues upclose that I hadn't before-homeless people and addiction, and people getting shot...it was a bad environment in foreign country and for most of those 4 months I wondered if I'll survive and get home properly.
Fast forward a year. I was still in denial, and also close to graduating university, so I didn't feel I had space to deal with...whatever happened. After dating a lot of people, each for no longer than a week or two(to prove I was okay) I eventually meet the GUY.
We are happy and friends and in love. Best relationship I've had. Even before what happened, my longest other relationship was a year. But with him, settling seems easy. He makes me happy, and the other way around. 1 year after we get together I moved to his city, and it was a huge change for me.
Meanwhile that forced me to finally face what happened to me, because there was no other way I could allow myself to be intimate and close to someone otherwise. It opened up all the things I hadn't dealt with...
And that was fine. He was supportive, and that could have been a happy ending...But resulting that, I started to deal with my issues in different ways. The move to other city increased my anxiety, my depression, before I knew it I spiraled into triggers and PTSD again.
There is a lot more to that part of the story, of course. I got okay many times, just to spiral into even worse symptoms, and gradually lost myself. I hadn't been ready for a relationship, all vulnerable and confused, and I lost myself into the "we" part of things, and into dealing with my issues, even though he never asked me to. Part of the charm of our relationship was that we both liked being independent. And then...then I have all these issues and he's helping me in every way, and I lost myself+ anxiety+depression+flashbacks+social anxiety+ nighmares+ inability to work/make a living much at all the first 6 months in that city.
So in the process of getting better... I lost/buried parts of me. And we became one of those couples that only talk about daily stuff and problems.
Recently we had this talk where basically he said he doesn't know if my getting better(as I am finally in therapy) will come soon enough for us to stay together. And I don't know that either. It wasn't a total surprise, since I know how things have been lately.
But I know how this happened, and I know that in some of my good moments, we're still us, we can still have a good time, we still love each other.
I'm not sure if it's not too late- it may be...But if there is a relationship worth fighting for, that's the one....
So...how do I get us back to better place? How do I become me again?
I started therapy and meds, to work on my issues. I also just got office, which is also set so I can stay overnight if I want to, from time to time.
I feel like staying in the same room where we built this relationship and where I got so lost at first is making me think a lot in terms of "we" and "our" needs, and I feel like I severely need to figure out my own needs if I have any chance of being my awesome independent self again, and not a needy mess. So that will help. I'm getting keys from tomorrow, so (I hope) working there from Monday.
What else can I do?
As I said, it may or may not be too late, but at the very least, I won't go down for lack of trying. He's done so much for me, we have been so happy, and he's still amazing...so I have to give this the best shot I have...within my current capabilities.
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