How Do I Tell My Dad To Back Off?

[deleted]

My dad and I have never been close. While he not my attacker he has hurt me a lot with his distance and self-focus all through my childhood.

Recently I have finally found a way to accept that he is never really going to be a father and therapy opened my eyes to how narcissistic and self-focused he his but now it's like since I'm going to college in about three months he is realizing that he has missed out on his role as a father and is trying to make up for it by smothering me which is the last thing I need right now. Then he gets upset with me for being cold and distant towards him acting like our parent-child distance is my fault and not his self-focused, workaholic fault. My mom is not help as she stands by whatever he says even if it isn't true.

He's not really like my dad but more like some weird stranger who appears in my house sometimes so when he goes to talk to me or hug me it freaks me out and I can't help but cringe or be cold and distant as that is how I treat everyone I don't trust. I've tried to trust him and earn his affection for way too long that I'm over it.

Another thing he does is not respect my need for people to ask before they touch me. He pokes/touches me randomly and acts like its a joke or says it's his right as my father to touch me anytime he wants. It scares me and makes me really uneasy around him.

I am too afraid of him to just straight up back off. How do I go about it without making him and my mother upset at me?

 

[Socha]

In situations like this I'd probably tell him it's not working out for me how it is and that I need space and time for myself.
When I don't want to upset someone I try to make it about myself with I statements instead of telling them it's their fault, which would put them on the defensive.

 

[anonymous]

I am assuming your father can be reasoned with, and also assuming he does want a relationship with you (albeit a little late).

We all want respect, including your dad, not saying you have to give it to him if you're not inclined. However, the truth is his actions toward you makes it difficult for respect to flourish. Tell him so, in the most calm and neutral tone you can. "As a young woman I have a right to who I want to touch me, this situation has made it difficult for me to respect you. True I am underage, but soon I will not be and how are relationship grows or dissipates from there depends on how we communicate and interact now. So, please give me the space I am requesting." Families can produce much better results if we don't play the blame game, and talk issues out respectfully with each other. Easier said than done, but it is the ideal goal.

One of Anthony's articles mentioned something similar, I will see if I can find it and post it.

If he really does want a relationship with you, and he regrets not spending enough time with you perhaps he'll be more inclined to listen and care about your current needs.

 

[Friday]

How do I go about it without making him and my mother upset at me?

You can't.

Even if you're the world's best manipulator, and will spend the rest of your life in delicate negotiations as an Ambassador to the XYZ/ABC/123, and you're not only in all the history books, but classes are taught specifically on your techniques and methodology for the next several hundred years ... You cannot guarantee anyone's reactions to your words. And that goes double for parents. :facepalm:

"A saint is never recognized at their own hearthstone."
- Proverb

"Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions."
- W.Churchill

"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way."
- Danielle Vare (1800s British ambassador to China)

Now, that's not to say there aren't negotiation tactics that will help. One of the most basic of which is "Connect, Respect, Protect." My suggestion, however, is that you break open some diplomacy books and find the methodology and techniques best suited to your own self. :)Another, somewhat faster option, would be "7 Habits of Highly Successful People"... Which has several chapters on win/win negotiating, maintaining your boundaries, and other useful bits.

Personally, I tend to tell people to f*ck off, and follow it with physical violence or the immediate absence of my presence should they not listen. But I'm rarely diplomatic. I can be. I just prefer plain speech.

 

[Ronin]

I am too afraid of him to just straight up back off.

I'm afraid since he's already missing boundaries and missing out on your distancing yourself, that may be the only language he understands, and even then understanding and respecting are two different things.

Basically, you're entitled to self protection. You don't owe him being nice. He owes it to you to not act in ways that make you feel violated and terrified. As a parent, while we're at 'who owes whom'.