How Do you „comfort“ someone who received bad news?

Status
Not open for further replies.

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
I tried to lessen my Website consumption, but here I am as I need advice..

There are two people I know who received bad news. I know it depends on a few factors factors, how close are they to me? Do they need their private time? What kind of bad news? and how much support do they have or not have?

When I was at a gettogether I saw how a few people consoled that friend, one was being extra positive, she represented her „Think positive“ menu without actually listening to her. The next one also kept talking about seeing these situations as chances. An opportunity to learn. I know I shouldn’t judge their reactions harshly as these are cutouts out of a convesation... I felt instantly that they we’re trying to impose something, it was more about their own helplesness rather than the individual standing infront of them. I was staying there and didn’t say much, just listening, when I realized how much talking and wanting to repair kind of a atmosphere began to arise... Now the thing is, I felt quite odd as I belong to those candidates who dislike talking just for the sake of saying something, if I feel that there is nothing to say, then I am silent. I feel that my silence is maybe pathological... should I be more sensitive ?

The question I keep asking is, how Do I want to be comforted/treated in such situation? For me, scientific Data is always helpful..I like news directly , with no sugarcoating. But that’s about receiving news not about being comforted... I don’t know.. I think I always appreciate authenticity..

How Do you console others? The question is not easy to answer, as there are many things to consider..

Thanks
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
I felt the need to read this quote:

What dooms our best efforts to cultivate empathy and compassion is always, of course, other people.”
― Tim Kreider, We Learn Nothing
 

grit

Not Active
I think you got this one.

No one knows what comforts a person except the person involved. Like you said, you need scientific input but if your dog dies, how much do you really want to hear dogs die and this is the statistical information for your breed...I do not know but I would hope you would not give a 5%^^ about that at the onset of your dog dying.

The other day, I was crossing the street and there was a man on wheelchair who got stuck on the mush of snow right in the corner of the curb. I felt I should help but before I did anything, two women jumped at him and pushed him out and put him on the curb. I caught myself saying "Ask him first please". I felt rather than touching his chair and helping him out, I should have asked him (since it was not a matter of life and death) if he needed help or if I could help him push the chair up. But these two helpful women also felt helping (and not knowing what went through their head), they simultaneously helped him together and he seemed OK with that.

I felt after that is it. Sometimes we do the help/support automatically and authentically or otherwise and sometimes we ask meaning we are respectful of boundaries and being authentically or otherwise and others we do not know and we freeze in our own head or do not care either way. So many variables.

With your friends, you know them so go with your gut and see what comes up for you knowing who they are or ask them what they may life. You may be surprised.
 

Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
How Do you console others? The question is not easy to answer, as there are many things to consider..

My general approach is to just do something. People in mourning or after tragedy are in a blur so I just try to do something.

Of course I get out of their hair as per their wish but I find some background noise for folks is usually welcome. I'm at the grocery, call them and say I've already picked up groceries but need anything in particular? Aka I'm already doing it. I do not recall anyone ever not having a request, but if I ask them before they will tell me not to go, so I'm smarter now, LOL

I may just run errands and pick them up, gets them out of the house. Why don't I take care of the dishes. Let's go for a walk and a coffee.

A dear friend of mine was dying and so many were focused on fixing her but that ship had long sailed. Docs knew it, she knew it. I was not the one to make these decisions so I was on the sidelines and I saw that so many of them were missing the moments with her while she was here. My last months with her were poignant and rewarding, the time was an extension of our friendship and not an observation of her event. I'm a fixer by nature and being (so to speak) pushed out of that role taught me a lesson. I'm grateful for it.

Best,

Whirlwind
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
My go to --- "I'm so sorry - how can I help?" It's easier to just keep it simple. People don't need to be overwhelmed - they just need to know you care.
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
I felt after that is it. Sometimes we do the help/support automatically and authentically or otherwise and sometimes we ask meaning we are respectful of boundaries and being authentically or otherwise and others we do not know and we freeze in our own head or do not care either way. So many variables

Absolutely @grit...

People in mourning or after tragedy are in a blur so I just try to do something.

I‘m usually on this track... as words don’t come easily to me.. Thank you

easier to just keep it simple. People don't need to be overwhelmed

Yep... I‘m sorrounded mostly by humans that love to jabber... if it’s relevant talk I wouldn’t mind, but this is Blah blah Chaos jelly.. annoying
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
Yep... I‘m sorrounded mostly by humans that love to jabber... if it’s relevant talk I wouldn’t mind, but this is Blah blah Chaos jelly.. annoying
It boils down to being around no one. That's what I did most of my life. Jabber is a f#cking excuse.
 

Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
if it’s relevant talk I wouldn’t mind, but this is Blah blah Chaos jelly.. annoying

Folks blather when they don't know what to do. Their stress response I suppose. I've seen folks avoid loved ones in the hospital etc. Always blew my mind but a recent thread here re people's discomfort/dismissal of trauma.....it is the same/similar.

Take care,

Whirlwind
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
Folks blather when they don't know what to do. Their stress response I suppose. I've seen folks avoid loved ones in the hospital etc. Always blew my mind but a recent thread here re people's discomfort/dismissal of trauma.....it is the same/similar.

Take care,

Whirlwind
I know. When my grandfather was dying in his bed, that was my the response of my half-brother and his wife! Or my grandmother. "Ewwww! Dont touch him!" Meanwhile, I had my arms around his neck squeezing just as tight as I could, then he was gone." Stupid b*tich, I thought! Then, i went home and broke-down... Glad I was with him. Some people repulse me, even when they are family. When that grandmother died... I didn't go to the funeral. I loved her when I was a kid though. She was mental when she got older ( un-medicated)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top