How Do You Date and Find Nice People?

[pandora]

Just a quick question because I really feel like I am going to be alone forever,

For those of you married, in a solid relationship making it work....Where did you meet your signifigant other .......did you tell about your PTSD...where do you find good people. ( No bars, clubs) please share your positive relationship stories........

 

[linasmom]

Hi Pand,

I met my husband through my cousin - he is my cousin's best friend.

I think meeting someone special can obviously come in so many ways. I'd suggest maybe trying to meet someone via a friend - someone you know, like, and trust, because in a lot of instances "birds of a feather flock together".

Also, are you involved in any sort of group functions? Maybe volunteering at you child's school or something of the like?

I think what's most important is to go into all of these situations not expecting a relationship, but more to enjoy the function or maybe making a new friend. I had absolutely NO intentions of meeting my husband when I did - I was not looking for a relationship at that time as my life was really hectic. But, it just happened! I told him almost immediately that I had PTSD because he noticed that a few of my behaviors were, hmmm, odd? He actually came right out and asked me if I was "bi-polar", which makes me laugh as I write this because I'm trying to think of what I was doing at the time to have sparked such a question from him (too bad I can't remember or else I'd share). So, he asked and I responded and told him the truth. He showed concern and care and told me he would be there for me if I needed anything.

I hope at some point Pand, that you are able to find that special person, I have faith that you will.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Awakening]

I met my husband at work. I was not the least bit interested in him in the beginning. We became work buddies but I became work buddies with a lot of the guys.

At the time I was certainly not looking for anyone. I was quite over men, and just wanted to have fun. It was during this time of not being interested that I got more interest then ever. Ironic.

Then we started dating and I kept saying this is never going to be serious. At the time I was living in a town and planning to go back to my home town in a matter of months. Yet my heart was in my new town. A long distance romance and then I moved with him.

I think it's partly luck & fate & good timing. Yet I think you can increase your luck. If you are at home 24-7 it's unlikely you are going to meet someone, unless on the internet or a courier delivery. Not impossible but logic says your chances are much reduced.

However if you start with yourself, and doing it with the intention of having fun for yourself then I think that's a good place to start. You don't need to go out with the intention of looking for a man, but rather with the intention to enjoy yourself and be open to new friendships.

If you do things that have always interested you; art galleries, a short course, rock climbing, whatever appeals. You might meet that person in a laundromat or cafe. I think if you are open and friendly, yet cautious you stand a better chance of meeting someone.

Also if you can increase your social circle. Difficult with PTSD but very good for yourself if you can. A broad range of friends and interests casts the net a bit wider.

And I think being open minded about the criteria for man. My husband would not have met some of the elaborate criteria I had in my head at that stage. If I had been seriously looking at the time he probably wouldn't have got a first date. Obviously there are basic standards of decency & respectful behaviour but I'm talking more if you are normally into 'sports types' don't rule out 'business types' or 'music types'. Even if they are not the right one for you, dating can be fun & build your confidence. And who knows they might introduce you to their friends.

Maximise your chances and try and have fun (and keep safe).

 

[Nicolette]

Most females I know, self included, met their partners when their interest in men was minimal if not non-existent.

When I was hoping to meet a man and my friends said the same things which are being said here I thought how do I become not interested? I think not interested for me became when it didn't really matter to me anymore that I was single as I was just going to live my life my way.

As most of you would know from other threads I met Anthony out the front of my house. I was watering the garden when he came over and introduced himself due to my son being invited to his son's birthday which was on that weekend. To be perfectly honest I wasn't really interested as I was being eaten by mosquitoes and my concern was getting inside. Even when Anthony invited me over for the birthday party (if I had nothing better to do) I said I had a date with my ironing board thanks. The thought of having 16 year olds running around next door concerned me and if it wasn't for that and wanting to give my son the keys to the house so I could lock it, I would never had gone over next door as I don't like having much to do with neighbours as I like being left alone at home. Anthony and I started talking and that was the end of that. Not for one minute did I think of Anthony as anything other than the father of the boy next door.

Wish I could offer an answer but I think a lot of it is fate mixed up with a person being at peace with themselves being single and accepting that.

What Awakening said in the other relevant thread about her single friend and finding the place "out" where she is told to go, was not only funny, but very apt. You can't meet someone if you don't change what you are doing and don't leave the house.

 

[rob4444]

My now wife of 20 years ran up behind me in the pub..asking for protection from an unwanted drunk,who tried fondling her..although i see myself as small and insignificant..im actualy fairly large and he backed off quikly...i escorted her safely to her train...the next weekend she showed up at the pub,with her bags!...the rest is history....you ussually find love when your not looking.

 

[anthony]

The best thing you can do to meet people IMHO, is to simply get involved in local groups, activities, sports, etc etc.... that is where the majority of people meet their significant others... not online dating or the like. The majority of people know each other through some other form typically before dating long term. Stop looking, get involved, and it will happen when it is ready to happen for you.

 

[sisu]

Maybe I am a bit jaded. But IMO I think there are a very few "princes" out there and a lot of "frogs". Sometimes that "prince" turns into a "frog" after a period of time. I think that you really have to follow your gut, not your heart or head. Your gut does not lie. I have loved many, but I have been truly in-love with 3 men. All of those men were wonderful "princes" when the relationship began. Then after a while they all became "frogs".

I think that you always have to love yourself in order to make a relationship work. You can never lose yourself in your relationship. You need to continue to grow and learn new things, new hobbies, keep friends, stay active. Your "prince" not only needs to be an equal partner, but the icing on your cake!

I hope I don't sound too negative. I am not very lucky in love.

Sisu

 

[Marlene]

Like several who have mentioned here, I was not looking and had sworn off of men when I met my husband. We were stationed together at the same army base in Germany. We started going out (I was only looking for a nice person to have fun with) and then two weeks later he asked me to marry him. I did fall in love with him, but I was so pissed at him for getting through my defenses and making me fall in love with him.

A friend once told me that she was 'Not looking, but was willing to be found'. Agreeing with others that getting out and doing is the way to meet people. School functions, libraries, church/temple, etc. where people have common interests and aren't just looking for a quick roll in the hay (i.e. bars and clubs) are best. Added advantage to meeting people by getting out is that you're getting out of the house and doing something for yourself.

Lisa

 

[2quilt]

we met at a party. love at first sight.

 

[nic]

I have to say, I've found some great guys through online dating. While it can be overwhelming for some, I find online dating helps to relieve some of the pressure that I get on a "regular" date. I tend to meet for coffee, so that way if he is a "no," I'm not stuck in somewhere waiting for the bill to come. Also, it actually helps with my anxiety. Since I often get panic attacks when dating--especially on first dates--I like that a coffee date is brief and I can leave whenever I want. And, because the guy doesn't know me and isn't friends with any of my friends, etc., I don't have to feel bad if I have to leave or if I don't call back.

As for why I'm not married, (and yes, I want to be), it isn't because of the lack of nice guys or lack of dates. I have my issues, and the PTSD does create problems when I'm in long term relationships. I am trying to be more upfront with guys I date and tell them about the PTSD somewhat early on, so that way if he decides that it is too much for him to deal with, I know that sooner rather than later...before I get my heart broken.

 

[pandora]

Thanx everyone for your responses.

 

[Cecilia]

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. I was dating his best friend and we were borrowing his car to go out. A few months later the friend moved on and my now husband and I started dating.

It turned out very nice, his best friend was in our wedding.