GiantSquid
New Here
How do you deal with unavoidable triggers? I got PTSD and DID in childhood, when my bipolar mom committed suicide, dad died in heart attack and I was abused by family CPS placed me with.
I had a son, whom I loved dearly. He inherited bipolar from my mom when he was only ten. His illness was just as difficult to manage as my mom's, and his last depression made me unable to work because I was so badly triggered. He took his own life at our home four weeks ago. He was only seventeen years old, and I could not help him even though I tried with everything I got. My symptoms got so bad that I could not sleep or eat, and I was having physical flashbacks. My trauma was overriding sleeping drugs. My doc arranged a hospital stay. After nine days I could eat again and sleep with drugs, so they sent me home.
I have three parts, the adult me, child me, and a guardian part. The guardian part is absolutely exhausted and grieves her failure. The child part is what I'm having difficult time with. She panics when the other two want to visit my son's grave. She is terrified of anything which remind her about death. We had a panic attack when a friend gave us flowers and offered her condolences. I can't calm her down or control her. I'm also barracked by constant trauma flashbacks. I used to fear ambulances, high places, teenagers, shouting, violence. Now I'm also afraid of things like gym equipment, any cords, sheets, belts. My son hanged himself with a sheet at my home gym, which used to be my place of respite. I can't go there anymore, and my back hurts like hell. I freak out when my MIL sent me pictures from the funeral. Why would I want a picture of myself carrying his coffin?? I will remember it forever even though I don't want to. I wake up remembering the mark on his neck, and fall asleep thinking his death.
The only place where all my parts feel safe and content is the church. But I can't be there 24/7. My T is good, and I've doubled the appointments, but I don't think it helps. I feel like this was a precise shot in that spot of my heart where I was already weakest, and I don't genuinely think I will ever get over it. It goes too far beyond my window of tolerance. It's like someone took my original trauma and then switched my mother for my son (which makes things worse, because he was my child) and pushed repeat button.
Currently I mostly lay in bed. I can manage coloring one page a day. I sleep a lot. I skip meals, because I don't want to get up. I can leave the house for church, but two times a week is the max I have strength for. I dissociate constantly. I'm not sick enough to get inpatient care, since I can eat, but I have no idea how to control triggers. The house is full of them. I cling to them, because they are memories of my son, but I know they are not good for my mental health. Right now, I'm sitting on a chair where he used to sit and cry when he was hurting from his depression, and wearing his clothes because I don't have enough money to thrash them and buy new ones for me. I can't afford to move. I haven't worked since last summer, and my sickness benefit ends in July. I'm meeting my doc in two weeks to discuss whether to apply for disability.
This is mostly a vent, but I would be encouraged to hear your experiences and grateful if you have any advice for managing old triggers.
I had a son, whom I loved dearly. He inherited bipolar from my mom when he was only ten. His illness was just as difficult to manage as my mom's, and his last depression made me unable to work because I was so badly triggered. He took his own life at our home four weeks ago. He was only seventeen years old, and I could not help him even though I tried with everything I got. My symptoms got so bad that I could not sleep or eat, and I was having physical flashbacks. My trauma was overriding sleeping drugs. My doc arranged a hospital stay. After nine days I could eat again and sleep with drugs, so they sent me home.
I have three parts, the adult me, child me, and a guardian part. The guardian part is absolutely exhausted and grieves her failure. The child part is what I'm having difficult time with. She panics when the other two want to visit my son's grave. She is terrified of anything which remind her about death. We had a panic attack when a friend gave us flowers and offered her condolences. I can't calm her down or control her. I'm also barracked by constant trauma flashbacks. I used to fear ambulances, high places, teenagers, shouting, violence. Now I'm also afraid of things like gym equipment, any cords, sheets, belts. My son hanged himself with a sheet at my home gym, which used to be my place of respite. I can't go there anymore, and my back hurts like hell. I freak out when my MIL sent me pictures from the funeral. Why would I want a picture of myself carrying his coffin?? I will remember it forever even though I don't want to. I wake up remembering the mark on his neck, and fall asleep thinking his death.
The only place where all my parts feel safe and content is the church. But I can't be there 24/7. My T is good, and I've doubled the appointments, but I don't think it helps. I feel like this was a precise shot in that spot of my heart where I was already weakest, and I don't genuinely think I will ever get over it. It goes too far beyond my window of tolerance. It's like someone took my original trauma and then switched my mother for my son (which makes things worse, because he was my child) and pushed repeat button.
Currently I mostly lay in bed. I can manage coloring one page a day. I sleep a lot. I skip meals, because I don't want to get up. I can leave the house for church, but two times a week is the max I have strength for. I dissociate constantly. I'm not sick enough to get inpatient care, since I can eat, but I have no idea how to control triggers. The house is full of them. I cling to them, because they are memories of my son, but I know they are not good for my mental health. Right now, I'm sitting on a chair where he used to sit and cry when he was hurting from his depression, and wearing his clothes because I don't have enough money to thrash them and buy new ones for me. I can't afford to move. I haven't worked since last summer, and my sickness benefit ends in July. I'm meeting my doc in two weeks to discuss whether to apply for disability.
This is mostly a vent, but I would be encouraged to hear your experiences and grateful if you have any advice for managing old triggers.