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How do you know if it’s worth it?

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Sideways

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I am not a social person. I spend a lot of time trying to negotiate living with agoraphobia (bit of a contradiction) and depressive symptoms in particular.

Somehow, I’ve managed to end up in a relationship with a guy who seems friendly, trustworthy, keen on doing right by me. When we get together, I genuinely have a good time. He really likes me (at least, he’s said several times “I really like you” and his behaviour is consistent with that).

Unfortunately, 3 months in, and I’m still having panic attacks each time we’re due to meet up. When we’re not together, I spend a lot of time stressing about having to see him again, and not much time looking forward to seeing him again.

I’d kind of written off the possibility of being in an intimate relationship (like, ever). But I decided I’d try with him, because he’s a pretty special guy.

That said, I’m exhausted. I’m swinging back into depression, I’ve got a major hypersomnolence issue developing, and my agoraphobia is getting worse since being in the relationship.

So, how do you know if a relationship is worth pursuing? He describes “looking forward to seeing me”, but I seem to spend all my time just dreading it. Even though it’s great on those occasions when we do catch up, the stress of it all doesn’t seem to be easing off. If anything, I think it might be getting worse...
 
Is the stress coming more from being with him or more from the process of getting ready for a date and leaving the house? Like, if he were to come to your house and you didn't have to leave, does that feel better/calmer? Would it let off some of the pressure if you hung out in sweats and have pizza delivered?

Or maybe some skype dates?

Relationships are a huge pain in the ass, but at the same time that support is so important. I think "worth pursuing" just means asking yourself when your date is over if you want to see him again. if its a yes (even a fearful yes) - then pursue it.
 
@Freida - at the end of the date I usually feel a bit blown away that someone seems to like me so much. And everything else comes secondary to that.

The idea of hanging out in trackies together rather than going out is just as daunting. I’ve avoided inviting him inside so far because I don’t think I could keep my boundaries. He’s respected my boundaries so far, it’s just my head telling me that I’m a bad person for setting limits in the first place.

Trying to coexist with what my head is telling me makes me feel quite ill. When he’s not here, or he goes away, it ends up just being a relief. He really is an awesome guy, but I just don’t think I can keep this up.
 
Your topic question is a really good question. It seems like something any thinking person might ask themselves from time to time.

What's your idea of "worth it"? Because that matters.

There's no way "relationships" are going to be easy. That's not because there's something inherently wrong with you. It's because of the stuff you learned growing up and the effects that "growing up" the way you did, had on your brain. Not your fault. Going forward, I guess you can decide to live with it or work to change it. Maybe there's another possibility I haven't considered? But there's no way making those kinds of changes is going to be easy. You're pretty young. You have a lot of potential "not trapped alone in the house" years ahead of you. From where I sit, seems potentially "worth it". I'm thinking there are people who'd say that even if you were ancient.
 
at the end of the date I usually feel a bit blown away that someone seems to like me so much.

Is this a good feeling or a bad one? It's ok if you're not sure. Think of this like learning to swim. Your are not going to just jump into the ocean and hope you don't drown. You start at the shallow end and learn to float. Same thing with a relationship. Don't let fear erase fun.take it as slowly as you need to. If he's a keeper he will let you set the pace. If he doesn't....throw him back
 
Is this a good feeling or a bad one?
I’m really not sure - good stress, bad stress, it all just registers as stress.

The boundary issue is a big one. This is the first real relationship I’ve ever tried. I got programmed pretty intensely with my purpose in life being to make myself sexually available. So, not doing that is more than just hard work, it actually feels wrong to put boundaries in, like I’m being an evil person by saying things like “I don’t want to do that yet...”

I postponed our catch up yesterday and said we’d do it today. But this morning I’m in a lot of trouble symptom-wise so I’ve had to cancel. That makes me feel like a failure, but I’m trying to do the whole self-compassion thing. Trying, not really succeeding. If I apply the “First do no harm” principle I think I might make it.
 
That makes me feel like a failure,
But it's not a failure. It's actually a success. It's setting a sort of boundary. You're taking care of yourself. His response will tell you something about HIM. He's either going to be ok with it, or he's not. If he makes an issue of it? That might be at least a pink flag.

Learning something new is often hard, right? Learning to ride a bike? Play an instrument? Speak a new language? This is kind of like learning to speak a new language. I don't think it's reasonable to expect it to be easy. It's also not reasonable to expect either of you to do it perfectly. There will be mistakes along the way. That's practically for sure. It's how all that gets handled that means something.
 
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