How do you stop being so hard on youself?

ms spock

Sponsor
How Do You Stop Being So Hard On Youself?

How did you get over the thoughts that nothing that you do will be good enough, ever? I really need to get on top of this.

I am told by many, many people that I am way too hard on myself. I am not really sure what they mean but I can see that I do have a problem with being way too hard on myself. Mostly because lots of people tell me this is so. I am willing to actually work on this because I think, on some level, it is a big block for me.

I am trying to address my anxiety and I think some of that keeps going because of my propensity to be so hard on myself, and when one problem is solved I just switch to another problem to focus on.

I have got "The Mindful Way Through Anxiety" and I am starting to listen to this audiobook.

How did you identify that you are being hard on yourself?

How do you break it down?

How did you learn to trust your own perceptions?

How did you learn that you are not bad all the time?

How did you reteach yourself that you are not wrong at your very core?

How did you get over the thoughts that nothing that you do will be good enough, ever?
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
How did you identify that you are being hard on yourself?
I am told by many, many people that I am way too hard on myself.
Just like this. By listening to my friends.
I identified what they were seeing and I wasn't by picturing my son and whether I would speak to him the way I spoke internally to myself.

How do you break it down?
By recognizing key words that kept coming up in my internal dialogue. 'I will beat the crap out of myself until I get better'
What? How does that even make sense?

How did you learn to trust your own perceptions?
Again, by externalizing. Whether I would speak to someone (or anyone for that matter) in such a way. Whether I would expect so much from anyone else.

How did you learn that you are not bad all the time?
Because nobody in this world that I knew was as bad as I was treating myself (or allowing others to treat me). Cognitively, when I stepped back, it just didn't make sense.

How did you reteach yourself that you are not wrong at your very core?
By visualizing my young ones outside of me. Taking them for walks. Feeding them proper food. Telling them that THEY deserved all the good in the world. I couldn't bear to hurt a young child. So I took my visualization skills to the max. It was very challenging but also very effective.

How did you get over the thoughts that nothing that you do will be good enough, ever?
Every time I caught myself thinking in this way I would repeat the Ho'oponopono verse. I would direct it at me. It was super difficult to do but I actually now catch myself repeating it spontaneously, before I even recognize that I am dissing myself. I literally retrained my brain by replacing the I hate myself phrases with loving phrases by saying this chant in my mind everytime I caught myself thinking bad thoughts about myself. I was shocked at how often I was repeating them internally.

Ho'oponopono
I am sorry
I love you
Please forgive me
Thank you
 

ghotiff

MyPTSD Pro
How to identify....

I ask myself questions like...
- If my best friend told me this event, what would I say to her. If what I say to myself is different to what I'd say to her then I'm being too hard on myself.
- if I post the event here, what would people here (that have my respect for honesty and gentleness say). If what I say to myself is different to what I'd hear here then I'm being too hard on myself.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
Things I am currently working on are:

Mindfulness - 8 week course in MBSR ongoing practice since 2013
Self Compassion - without self compassion I would not have gotten through the last two weeks. I would have bombed out and left. (Kristin Neff)
Exercise - impaired by injury
Busting Distorted Cognitions - "Feeling Good" by David Burns - I have done a lot of work on these.
Being honest - was very scary and not allowed in my family of origin
I am putting myself out there in the world - doing a teaching prac at the moment.
Studying at university
Trying to find my way back to myself - trying to find how I am - who I am.
Willing to learn not to be so hard on myself - not sure how to do this yet.
Worked on Dissociation ALOT!
Some DBT - still going to teach myself that - working on Radical Acceptance daily.
 
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The Albatross

MyPTSD Pro
Dug around quickly... but post alcohol recovery, and before I came here and was even diagnosed with PTSD I bumped into and began working with USA (Unconditional self acceptance) at Smart Recovery (where I was doing my recovery check ins in lieu of 12 step) for like 5 years.

"The philosophy of USA begins with the following premise:

The human being is fully and unconditionally acceptable in his own right as a unique and singular person; that he always has value to himself for so long as he is alive; and that his intrinsic worth, or self-value, need not depend in any way upon his extrinsic value, or worth to others."

Not the REBT Network site but a pretty concise summation of USA concepts: Link Removed

 

The Albatross

MyPTSD Pro
The thing about adopting a "philosophy" or even (in my own case) a faith based world view is that it is for me a system of living that is and has been far more generally beneficial than anything I can try to "think" my way up and out of. But you pretty much knew I was gonna say that didn't you?

The REBT philosophy and concepts "fit me"... so much so that USA is part of the name of my diary here. Thus far, recovery-wise it has been solidly useful and I go back and refresh/review it at least annually.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
and that his intrinsic worth, or self-value, need not depend in any way upon his extrinsic value, or worth to others."
My SO is really good at this. He believes this about himself to the core. I try to take my lead from him. Once or twice I have been able to catch the freedom of this feeling. It was like being let out of a cage. I get caught up in the risk of not caring what others think of me and how dangerous that will be to me. Which is, in fact a cognitive distortion (based on a fact long ago). There is nothing and nobody dangerous in my life right now.
 

The Albatross

MyPTSD Pro
My mister is good at it too seemingly "naturally" as he just was that way, he also has spontaneous resilience. I had some too but mine is not spontaneous particularly I had to endeavor to learn it. My mister's never questioned his intrinsic value... he takes it for granted and he and a couple other people actively modeled that for me as I set myself about adopting the philosophy.
 
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