How do you work on shame?

Teasel

Not Active
I've such a lot of shame to work on. Maybe toxic shame too. Wondering how others deal with / have dealt with it?

Have you managed to reduce it? What do you think was most helpful in reducing it?
Thanks in advance
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
is there a non-toxic shame? it be the toxic nature of shame which makes dealing with it so imperative.

i take a two front approach to dealing with my own shame. one front is in the here and now, making amends as quickly as possible for any shameful acts i have performed recently. new shame triggers my repressed shame mightily and keeping the slate as clean as possible keeps the second front a bit more simple.

my ptsd shame is a far more complicated psycho snot knot. there, i share and lean freely within my therapy support network and untangle those snot knots in small, mindful steps. that most often seems to lead to working on my self-esteem and/or processing repressed emotions and memories.
 

Teasel

Not Active
is there a non-toxic shame?
Yes, explained here better than I can

Healthy shame, that is, the feeling that arises when we acknowledge having wronged someone or having done wrong, is both normal and essential. It comes with having a conscience.

Toxic shame, however, is the pervasive feeling that who we are, rather than what we have done, is condemnable, and therefore we are unworthy, unlovable, and defective. Toxic shame sufferers have taken on the shame that rightfully belongs to another. People who suffer from toxic shame experience some degree of self-loathing, which in turn makes it difficult for them to reveal, even to their partner, their authentic self. Thus having and sustaining intimate relationships can be really challenging for them.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
@Teasel
sorry. my age is showing again. i forgot that the meaning of "toxic" changed when lillian glass' book went viral. i've done quite allot of work in environmental engineering and my literal definitions of toxic have gotten me into allot of trouble in recent years.
 

FauxLiz

Sponsor
I am working through "toxic shame" using CPT. The stuck points or cognitive distortions that come with that shame of feeling worthless, ashamed, unloveable, and so much worse and identifying where those thoughts come from, what emotions they bring up and what I can say to myself to reframe those thoughts. It's not easy it is gut wrenching work most of the time and I hate it, but it is starting to help more than I often want to admit to myself. I have tried EMDR, I didn't find it helpful, I think for me because with my ADHD, I struggled to focus long enough to really engage but that was my challenge and I can't say what it would or wouldn't do for others.
 

Teasel

Not Active
Guilt and shame sometimes go hand in hand; the same action may give rise to feelings of both shame and guilt, where the former reflects how we feel about ourselves and the latter involves an awareness that our actions have injured someone else. In other words, shame relates to self; guilt to others. From

the meaning of "toxic" changed when lillian glass' book went viral.
I don't know anything about her or her book.

The stuck points or cognitive distortions that come with that shame of feeling worthless, ashamed, unloveable, and so much worse and identifying where those thoughts come from, what emotions they bring up and what I can say to myself to reframe those thoughts. It's not easy it is gut wrenching work most of the time and I hate it, but it is starting to help more than I often want to admit to myself.
Thanks, I imagine I weould hate going over all this too. What is CPT?
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
Toxic shame, however, is the pervasive feeling that who we are, rather than what we have done

where the former reflects how we feel about ourselves and the latter involves an awareness that our actions have injured someone else
Not meaning to be dense. But then non toxic shame and guilt are the same? Cos both are about what we have done, not who we are.

Edit: trying to understand so I can reply best.
 

Friday

Moderator
Not meaning to be dense. But then non toxic shame and guilt are the same? Cos both are about what we have done, not who we are.
A person can be guilty OF something, and feel a giant spectrum of things attached to that guilt… justified, delighted, sorry-not-sorry, mischevious, rebellious, practical, regretful, remorseful, determined, rueful, embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated, self-righteous, unrepentant, indignant, offended, etc. All in addition to actually being guilty of it, as well as being guilty of it AND feeling guilty.

A person can FEEL guilt, as well as any/all of the spectrums of emotions that come along with that sense of responsibility… whether they’re actually guilty OF that thing or not.

Being guilty of something, feeling guilty/responsible, and feeling ashamed? Aren’t inextricably linked.
 
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