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How have your thoughts and actions regarding consent changed?

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I guess I was not thinking straight for believing she would welcome it.

I think what she wants, she cannot have. That is, both of you on the same page when it comes to sex.

Honestly I don’t think that your previous arrangement was conducive to healing from sexual trauma.

What helped me the most was a partner who drills in my head that I can ALWAYS say no. I still try to people please, but I’m getting better.
 
What helped me the most was a partner who drills in my head that I can ALWAYS say no.
It blows my mind that there are people who are genuinely this respectful when it comes to sex. Are there any consequences at all if you say No? Not necessarily “does he beat the shit outta you for saying No”, because obviously not - but how does it sit with you when you say No?

Years ago now, I wrote my honours thesis on “Consent In Rape Law”. That was the title. I’m still trying to figure it out, and I’m not sure I ever really will.

Consent has never really played out for me as a simple Yes/No equation, and the first time I tried saying No, it just meant that I got physically abused as well as sexually abused. So, even without the physical abuse component, I think I have an underlying assumption that there’s always some kind of blowback if you say No. Similar to the “sex is expected” scenario that I think @somerandomguy was getting at.

I think the thing that’s changed for me is an awareness that there should be a Yes/No point, where I get clear in my mind at least, whether I am consenting to this sex right now before I engage in intercourse, which was never there when I was younger. But having an awareness of that, and at least considering it in the moment, has probably just made the whole thing more stressful for me, to the point where I’m currently planning to stay single and celibate for at least a couple more years. Being aware of the Yes/No point hasn’t given me any confidence to actually exercise that option.

Bleh! What a mess!
 
it went terribly with yelling and crying.

^I can understand why it would go that way. But that's me.

I think it would be like telling me that our relationship was no longer important. Not just the sexual component.

I don't think one can separate emotional and sexual parts in a marriage. People try but I'm not sure they do so successfully.
 
The issue was that you are not enthusiastically consenting to sex (but almost approaching it with fear which makes totally sense after trauma and no judgement from me) but just giving in to make the other person happy and your remedy was more of the same, just in a more profound way.

Having sex isn’t what makes someone a man. Total BS.

Many people want to be wanted. Do you all do other things to show love to each other like date nights and leaving sweet notes for each other and etc?
 
Do you all do other things to show love to each other like date nights and leaving sweet notes for each other and etc?
I know that I am really terrible at this and that it's what's required to make any relationship work. But I just don't do it because 1) I'm a selfish ass and 2) I just don't remember to do things like that, which I know is the world's lamest excuse and is not something I can explain to my partner (see #1).

I am working on understanding/knowing/feeling that sex doesn't make you a man. Not there yet.

The only way I can enthusiastically consent to sex is to drug myself up with marijuana. It makes it feel better, too. But partner is really not into having sex with me lately, drugged or not (again, see #1). I don't know why she stays with me, I would have left me a long time ago if I was her.

I apologize that I totally hijacked this thread with my whining.
 
I just don't remember to do things like that, which I know is the world's lamest excuse and is not something I can explain to my partner

You own a smartphone, right?

1) make a list of all important holidays, anniversaries, special days.
2) Subtract one week. Write these days down.
3) put all these days in your phone calendar as a reminder to buy cards, chocolates, flowers, etc, make reservations at a restaurant, whatever may make her happy
4) if you want to go one step further, repeat this process with random dates as a way to surprise her for no real reason.

I’ve heard your response from many guys. “I’m not a birthday/holiday kind of guy” or “I don’t remember to do those things”.

In the age of smartphones there is no excuse for not remembering to do this kind of stuff. I had a guy who never told me happy birthday. He wasn’t a birthday kind of guy. BUT I AM! I didn’t matter enough for him to make a simple phone reminder once a year. Thank god he’s gone.
 
I had a guy who never told me happy birthday. He wasn’t a birthday kind of guy. BUT I AM! I didn’t matter enough for him to make a simple phone reminder once a year. Thank god he’s gone.

Hmm.. maybe we both bumped into the same guy Eve bc I got the same reason as you when it came to birthdays..

But oh boy... did he remember his own birthday etc., and have BIG expectations!! :rolleyes: I'm glad I moved him on too. :)
 
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