I started self-harming to "punish" myself for being such a horrible person when I was in second grade. It started with denying myself things that I loved, like recess at school, and quickly moved to beating myself with electrical cords and shoes.
Why do children respond to being abused by hurting themselves? I have never asked this question, and I guess I need to.
I started self harming at 4 (head banging, hair pulling and biting my hands/arms) but tried suicide much older at about 12. I'm so sorry you have memories of trying to take your life at such an early age. I can't imagine all that you had/have experienced that would cause such pain that a toddler would do that.
I tried it age 10. My NPD brother showed me how. There was a movie about Marilyn Monroe committing suicide, she took pills. My NPD brought me the pills. I threw up and had a splitting head ache, there was this high pitched background sound . My Bro also kicked me out of a moving car. But I'm so glad I mucked it up, life was good once I left home. Being left alone as the youngest with a Narcasisit and a Borderline (BPD) was hell.
Toddler through grades 1-3 did a ton of stuff that could be seen as suicidal but I think it was more like results of curiosity+neglect-- coating my entire body in high dose steroid cream, breaking and swallowing glass, other fun. Did try electrocuting myself fingers in a light socket age 10 or 11-- just buzzed and felt weird. But first serious suicide attempts were age 13,14. Researched it and still lived through it. Ended up in ICU/CCU once or twice only when I was so sick my parents couldn't ignore it (though mom tried calling poison control and debated with them whether it was necessary for me to go to the hospital).
Now I really understand why I was hell bent on death. I was really abused and neglected. Not just a spoiled weird brat. No. A kid whose parents regularly handed her off to various abusers for overnight visits. Whose mom either ignored or screamed at, but never praised no matter how hard she tried in school in band in activities.
I didn't try, but I was suicidal all throughout childhood. I don't know if I knew what that was but things were bad at home and I wanted to die. I started honestly thinking about suicide at 11, but didn't try until 19, and I don't know how I lived through two of them. A miracle is all I can say I guess.
I can't remember much of my childhood, it's all just fragments, but I remember having a feeling of being stuck - like I was in a cage with dangerous animals and I was constantly scared something was going to happen. When I was 7 or 8, I can't remember, I closed my eyes, walked out in the traffic and got hit by a car. I didn't really get injured though, just left with a wonky nose. I am not sure if this was an act of trying to harm myself as I can't remember anything.
Yes as a toddler I did try. 3-4 yrs old I believe, it was also when the abuse started to happen... new partner of my surrogate was my abuser
It sickened me when I realized only a few years ago, when I started working on the trauma, after a turbulent year of disassociating and depression I saw a great therapist,that I had done this, I had heard the stories from Nana but didn't put much thought into it until therapy.
It was a flashback memory, your always told as a kid... pills aren't lollies and don't touch this medicine it's dangerous etc... I downed my new uncles pills, a mixture of whatever antibiotics or whatever he had on his night stand. They found me, my new grandma, unconscious and she rushed me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped.
And so I lived to endure abuse for years, sexual abuse from her husband for 6 and consistent abuse, neglect,blame etc etc from my narcissistic surrogate who blamed me and was jealous of me until I cut her off completely.
I have never tried again, as my empathy won't allow me to end it and my daughter, whom I love too much to put her through something like that . Oh yes how I have dreamed of doing it. And dreamed of doing in both perps... possibly with bleach cocktail.. lol that was one of my favorite fantasies....
Toddler there are lots of missing jigsaw pieces I'm happy to leave unfound.. But definitely age 5is is when it starts. First memory is standing alone in the kitchen with a bread knife to my chest. I didn't
Accidentally pressed post... I don't remember exactly why but I do know that a lot changed around that age for me. I have briefly mentioned it to my T. I guess maybe focusing on it may bring up more.
I also remember that was about when I began to act out. Especially sexually hurting myself and running away etc. Seems bizarre to me now how I managed to compartmentalise it so well, realising now how bad it was and just how "normal" my reactions were. Thanks for the thread - really brought up a lot for me that's important for me to try to get through with my T.