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How much can we manage triggers?

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DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I've been thinking a lot about triggers and have been wondering how much is our responsibility to control, and how much we can expect others to change for our sake.

I always encourage people to learn their triggers and work on controlling them. I know I get triggered into a flashback, and after years of practice I can ground myself to a certain extent. On another site someone posted that their boyfriend triggers them. I asked what he specifically does to trigger her, and she didn't respond. It makes me think that if the presence of a person triggers you, how can you love that person? Is it just that the word "trigger" has a different meaning in popular culture?

I believe that my triggers are my responsibility. If something triggers me, I ground myself as best I can, and then I work on it in therapy. I know I have been working on it for 7 years, and a lot of folks are just learning, but how much should one expect others to change their behavior? I had a friend who was abusive to me for decades, but I couldn't leave it alone. She worked in a facility for behaviorally challenged, mentally ill folks, and she would talk about one of them in a voice dripping with disgust and hatred. I asked her not to talk about him around me, because at the time I was being triggered over and over by that. She would talk about the people she worked for with such disrespect and hatred, that I just kept thinking how horrible she was making their lives. How horrible people had made mine. At the time, I was unable to handle it so I removed myself from the friendship, if you can call it that. Was it ok to ask her not to talk about that one person? She talked about it even more after that. I have healed a lot since then, and if it happened today, I would just hang up if she couldn't deal with my boundaries.

How much do you believe is your responsibility to handle? Do you think loved ones should change their innocent behaviors to accommodate you, and if so, how long can you expect them to do that? Do you actively work on triggers that you've asked other people to stop doing? I can see both sides but I'm wondering what everyone thinks.
 
Hi @DharmaGirl!

Good questions. Something I am pretty conflicted about so shall watch the responses with interest. My previous way of doing things was taking 100% responsibility myself and never telling anyone. For a variety of reasons. One of them that I felt telling others would give them a weapon to potentially use against me. Another that I didn't feel it was fair on them. And I didn't want others to have to eggshell step around me. Something I grew up doing. I also don't like being perceived as a victim. I know a some of that is a bit messed up.

I then confronted myself on this and although I don't say why I have asked for some accommodations and do on occasion and also set up boundaries that help me.

When I look at others struggles I am of an opinion that they of course should be able to ask people to accommodate them if it doesn't impede their life too much and if it is something that can be clearly explained. If its vague then I cant see how it is doable for the person on the receiving end. Its a tricky issue.
 
I had a friend who was abusive to me for decades, but I couldn't leave it alone.
I think this is the key tbh, if someone is abusive they either change their behaviour or I end the relationship. That’s nothing to do with managing my response to being triggered and everything to do with my own self worth - I’m not there to be abused by anyone anymore.

I don’t think you can help being truly triggered - as in triggered into a flashback or dissociative state etc, but you can learn to know when it’s happening and how to ground yourself etc and I do think that’s my responsibility.

I also think it’s important to distinguish between triggers and stressors. Me really not liking something or finding it difficult isn’t me being triggered.

In the day to day, it’s my job to develop coping strategies and to find ways to manage my reactions and responses. I don’t think it’s someone else’s job to navigate my triggers unless it’s a very specific thing and changing it doesn’t impede their quality of life. Asking someone to work around my particular triggers could be never ending because they change, and new things pop up so I need to be on top of my reactions.
 
I don’t think it’s so much a matter of expecting people to change.

I think it’s a matter of people respecting my struggles and caring enough to make accommodations for me when I make an occasional request.

I have empathy for others and have no problems making minor adjustments out of respect, so I don’t think it’s too much to ask my loved ones to help me out along the way as I heal.

I don’t ask people to avoid certain topics. Subject matter triggers I confront head on and deal with on my own for the most part. However I am not adverse to asking for a subject matter change if I don’t prefer the current topic. (But this isn’t trauma specific as everyone has a right to not discuss certain things, so instead of seeing it as avoidance, I think of it as setting healthy boundaries.)

I have boundaries for touch, and I’m working on them currently. Hooboy is this a hard one! But again, it’s about me setting healthy boundaries.

The only thing that is a more/less constant request is to not talk loudly or make loud noises. I have overly sensitive hearing (hyperacusis), and it’s been this way since I was very young. This isn’t a trigger per se, but is something I will remind people of. As it is I avoid loud events and even loud relatives (lol). Loud noises make adrenaline build in my system, so it really is something I cannot control. Meds have upped my tolerance level, but I’m still sensitive.

My current big trigger area is inner child stuff. I can end up in a ball on the floor, shaking and crying in a matter of moments. Fortunately this is mainly trauma therapy stuff at this time, as my guard is up for letting no one hurt my little one, so it’s not really something that I ask anyone to help me with.

The one area I’d always reserve for needing help with in the triggering realm is sexual intimacy. I will always require a partner who is willing to make accommodations in this area, no matter how far along I am in healing, as any kind of touch in this area can cause flashbacks and dissociation.

Whew. I hope I didn’t ramble too much!
 
How much do you believe is your responsibility to handle? Do you think loved ones should change their innocent behaviors to accommodate you, and if so, how long can you expect them to do that? Do you actively work on triggers that you've asked other people to stop doing? I can see both sides but I'm wondering what everyone thinks.
My responsibility? 100%

I’ve shared before that I didn’t know “this” was PTSD until a few years ago. I’d been diagnosed, sure, but that was pretty much the end of it, from a pro standpoint. I thought this was just the way I was, and the way things were, now.

The great big freaking huge giant benefit of that? Replace “triggers” with music-lover, or adrenaline junkie, or active duty military, or mom. All things I am or have been. How much of dealing with any of THOSE things should people change to accommodate me, and if so, how long can I expect them to do that? :sneaky:

I don’t see any difference between PTSD stuff, and the rest of my stuff. Whether it’s “born to, chosen, or thrust upon” ;) Its still my stuff. I interact with other people about that stuff all. the. same. way.
 
It makes me think that if the presence of a person triggers you, how can you love that person?
I think that depends on the person and how they are being triggered. Take me for instance, my husband has become a trigger for me. The way he acts when he plays video games and the violent outbursts associated with it is a trigger when my stress cup is already full. I was in an abusive marriage for years, so it's not a shock that it triggers me. That being said, I've decided not to ask him to give up his games since it's a source of stress relief for him. Instead, I'm finding ways to keep myself grounded or limit my exposure to it.
 
This is such a good topic and I've been conflicted on it especially recently. With people I don't really know I take on the responsibility 100%. With my wife, I probably put too much responsibility on her. I feel like my home life should be "peaceful" bit I need to make sure I'm finding the balance that doesn't keep her from enjoying herself at home.
 
I think boundaries are not confined to mental health sufferers or supporters. So if your boundaries are crossed by this 'friend' and she continued to ignore your requests then you were spot on to discontinue the relationship. You told her where the line was and she chose to cross it. What you did after that was to follow through with the consequences.

If this woman valued your friendship she would have listened surely?

I have had people set boundaries with me. I see them quite clearly and I respect them. Sometimes I am not good at seeing where those boundaries lay at times but it doesn't take me long to work them out. I also have boundaries and it really pisses me off when they are not respected and I have to follow through.

I think triggers are entirely different though. I don't even tell people I have PTSD. They wouldn't have a clue what my triggers are. So I cannot expect them to accommodate my triggers. I don't want to go about saying to ppl I cannot tolerate this or that... I don't think it is doable, it leaves me exposed and vulnerable.

However if I did tell someone that I had PTSD and they deliberately did something knowing this would likely upset me or trigger me I would be very, very pissed off with them and probably would exit them from my life. I know this is not always possible bc there are a few ppl that you cannot sort of get rid of so easily. Children etc... But triggers are still my responsibility I think.
 
I do feel like I have the right to ask people to be sensitive to my situation. I am not the girl to talk to about the latest home invasion news. I don't read the newspaper for many reasons. I don't want to hear about the latest young child that was murdered. I have no interest in hearing about how people on social assistance should be given a one way ticket to hell.

I don't expect people to work around my triggers but I do expect there to be a sensitivity of sorts and those, to those that know me, are obvious.
 
Wow! Great replies! I was wondering because of my trigger of men yelling with anger. It can send me into a flashback so quickly. I can ground myself after, it's just that the flashback comes before I can do anything.

you can learn to know when it’s happening and how to ground yourself etc

Yes, this is what I encourage others to do, and do myself. It still wears me out, having the flashback and grounding myself, but it is my illness, and I wouldn't want someone else to manage my diabetes.

For me and my forum peers at any rate.

Yes, I agree. It is learnable, but I think there is a period of time when you start having triggers that you feel as if you have no control. The fear of everything around you possibly jumping out and causing pain is a lot to handle.

I think it’s a matter of people respecting my struggles and caring enough to make accommodations for me when I make an occasional request.

This, also is true. I don't request a lot, so when I do, it's important to me. I have no problem asking people not to wave sugary things at me, and encourage me to eat them, because I have diabetes, so triggers would be the same.

Replace “triggers” with music-lover, or adrenaline junkie, or active duty military, or mom.

I respectfully don't agree with this. I'm a mom. It was a wonderful and difficult part of my life. I can't compare anything about that to being triggered. I was also an adrenaline junkie, but it can't be replaced with triggers. It's just too different.

Take me for instance, my husband has become a trigger for me.

Your husband's shouting has become a trigger for you. Not your husband. Out of all his behaviors, one of them triggers you. This gal said just the presence of her boyfriend triggered her. I am stressed by my son's shouting at video games, and yelling at the dogs. It used to be a trigger.

I feel like my home life should be "peaceful"

I agree 100%. I asked my therapist if it was odd that there are no loud fights in my house, or arguments that get out of hand, and she asked me if growing up like I did, would it be normal to have loud fights.

I don't even tell people I have PTSD.

Neither do I. After I've known someone for awhile, they might ask, and I might tell them, depending on the person. This has changed a lot over the years.

do expect there to be a sensitivity of sorts and those, to those that know me, are obvious.

I do too, but it doesn't happen for me. When I visit my mom, they have the TV on all day, when we never do, and it's news all day. It is difficult to tolerate it. Plus, my stepfather is losing his hearing, so it is on loud, all day long and well into the night.

Thank you everyone for weighing in. It is a difficult subject for me. I used to be a Scientologist in my youth, and you took 100 % responsibility for everything that happened to you, good or bad. If you caught a cold, it was your fault. If you broke your leg, it was your fault. On and on. It made it difficult to decide what truly is my responsibility and not. A Scientologist friend once hurt herself and was really beating herself up emotionally about it and I finally said, "that's why they call it an accident". Meaning that one can't be 100% responsible all the time, but as far as triggers go, we can learn to handle them.
 
@Friday, I just realized that the post above my responding to your post I compared it to diabetes. Thinking about it again, I can see what point you're making. It takes me some time to figure things out. I'm very literal.:)
 
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