How to cope when the person you love has PTSD over how badly they hurt you

threemany

New Here
I’m really struggling to process a painful situation and would appreciate any advice. Someone I loved deeply has PTSD, but it’s specifically tied to the guilt and shame of how they hurt me. The way they hurt me was through a significant betrayal during a traumatic event. Despite this, I stayed by their side, hoping we could work through it together. But over time, they began shutting off their empathy for me. They leaned on me for support, but at the same time, they dehumanized me—seeing me less as a person and more as a reminder of their own guilt and shame.

That year left me with betrayal trauma and complex PTSD. Eventually, they hurt me again, putting me in the exact same position, and I had no choice but to walk away. They refused to take accountability for their actions, blaming their behavior on their own trauma, and they’ve avoided me completely ever since.

I know their PTSD is a moral injury tied to how they treated me, and I’ve become a trigger for them. But instead of working through it, they’ve continued to avoid me and bury those feelings. Meanwhile, I’m left struggling with anger, pain, and grief, all while still holding so much love for them.

Has anyone else experienced something like this, where someone’s trauma is tied to how they hurt you, and you’re left carrying the weight of it alone? How do you cope with the pain of being dehumanized by someone you cared about so much, while they avoid you and refuse to face the damage they caused?
 
If conversely helps, at all?

- I’ve possibly/probably caused PTSD in others, but not anyone I’ve loved.

- I’ve possibly/maybe caused PTSD in others, but not anyone I’ve loved… “just” people I understand wanted to be there as little as I did.

- I’ve been a PART of someone else’s trauma history, of someone I loved (they saved my life). The only reason for their trauma, at all, is laying their life on the line to save mine. It is MY fault they were there, and experienced what they experienced. Because they loved me, they were willing to risk their own lives. And did so.

In neither case? Do I refuse, dehumanize, avoid. My part, in their life? In their pain? Is VERY real, and completely unforgivable. Understandable, is a different beast, entirely.

Refusing to accept the REALITY of my own part? Snort. Would mean I’m a coward, delusional, or deranged. I’m not. My part, in someone else’s life? The role I played? Was real. Full stop.
 
How sure are you of their PTSD diagnosis? Did they see someone and get an actual diagnosis, or are they just telling you they have PTSD and that it's somehow your fault? I ask because it sounds like there's a possibility they are just not very nice and you might be better off without them very much in your life.
 
Yes, I think sharing some details might help explain how complicated this situation was. I'm learning that I'm allowed to talk about how someone treated me, even if it’s painful to revisit.

This is a very long story, so I’ll try to summarize it as best I can. We met during COVID and were online friends for years before meeting in person. When we finally did meet, we fell in love almost instantly and started a long-distance relationship. During this time, both of our siblings tragically took their own lives, which created a bond between us because we supported each other through that grief. However, he found his sibling, which added an immense layer of trauma for him that he carried forward.

After meeting in person, we made plans for me to move to his country in about a year on a working holiday visa. We decided to take things slow because of the distance, but we were supposed to be in a committed relationship. I was working two jobs and going to school full-time to make it happen, so the year timeline was necessary.

During this period, he became friends with someone who later turned out to have undiagnosed BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Over time, she became extremely attached to him and manipulated him into believing her well-being was his responsibility. She used threats of suicide to control him, repeatedly telling him he was the only reason she hadn’t taken her life. In his mind, starting a relationship with her was the only way to “help her through her mental health” (which he thought was just depression). He believed he could leave once she was stable. All the while, he hid this relationship from me, continuing to make me believe we were still committed.

I found out about her three months before I was supposed to move. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted he didn’t want to be with her but didn’t know how to leave. He said every time he tried, “there was always something,” and he felt like he couldn’t live with himself if she followed through on her threats. I stayed because I could see how much she was manipulating him, and I encouraged him to seek therapy and leave her. He promised he would.

For the next three months, it was a constant cycle of him trying to leave her, her threatening to kill herself, and him having emotional breakdowns and panic attacks. During this time, he treated me terribly. He’d ghost me for days, saying my messages made him feel too guilty to respond. On my birthday, he forgot to call, and when he finally did, all he could talk about was her. When I cried, he told me, “I’m sorry, but I just care so much about her that I can’t hurt her.” I heard that a lot, even when I was breaking down over how much he was hurting me. Much much later, I even found out that this trip we had booked, he was supposed to come down in the summer, we had tickets, hotels, everything, but he canceled last minute due to some excuse, he cancelled because he decided to travel with her instead.

The event that triggered his PTSD happened on Christmas. He was supposed to call me to say Merry Christmas but instead called in a panic, begging me to lie about my existence. She had apparently seen in my Instagram bio that I was moving to his country and sent me a request. Apparently, before they were "together", he had told her about me a little, not that we were dating, but that he really liked me and admitted me. So she was now threatening suicide again. He begged me to lie about my existence and not say anything, and when I blocked her, he told her I meant nothing to him, then blocked me on Instagram to please her and told me he’d probably spend the rest of his life with her. I begged him to tell his counselor, and he finally agreed, but after that, he ghosted me for a week. Every time I tried to talk to him about what had just happened, he'd say he was "too busy with school' for a conversation and then she'd be posting pictures of all the places he was taking her.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I ghosted him back for a week and a half. Not as punishment, just because I was mentally having a breakdown, had to be on a plane in two weeks to move there, and every time I tried to contact him he'd ghost me longer or shut down more. Well, during this time, he apparently assumed I’d taken my own life because of him. I never once implied anything like that, but with everything happening I guess that's where his brain went. He sent me one message during that time, and when I didn't respond he panicked and blocked me after sending one more message saying he was confused and didn’t know what was going on, that seeing my profile made him feel too guilty, but left his school email and said to email him if I was ok. I emailed him afterward, (a week and three days in total of not talking to him) but he didn’t respond, so I assumed he didn’t want to talk. I went to his country alone, but after a few weeks, I reached out again. He was relieved to hear from me and admitted he thought I’d died. And that's what caused the PTSD, he thought he had treated me so badly I took my life and it was his fault.

Over the next eight months, he was still in the abusive relationship, trying to leave but staying because of her threats. We’d see each other occasionally, but every time he’d get physically sick and leave early. We talked frequently, but only about her. I supported him, gave him resources, and encouraged him to leave, but any time I tried to bring up my feelings or what had happened, he’d shut down or ghost me. I was completely isolated, as I’d moved to his country for him, and he kept me a secret and never introduced me to a single person in his life. My mental health was in shambles, I cried daily and could barely function, but I thought if I stayed, we’d get through it together. It was so hard and painful, though, it was like supporting someone cheat on me the entire time, Id have to see pictures of them together, while I was being treated like I was a monster, and I'd have to be the calm and forgiving one who pushed him to leave, while pretending he wasn't hurting me because if I showed it even a little he'd shut down and ghost me more.

After eight months, he finally got free of her. But when I tried to talk about what had happened, it was like he had no empathy left for me. I tried to have a single conversation, just once, about my feelings too and how I was hurting too, and He look me in the eyes as I cried and said that he knew he should feel bad but didn’t. Just over and over. That talking to me felt like a chore or business meeting. Yet, he’d still hold my hand, or hold me in his arms, or talk about a future with me the very next day.

Eventually, I had to go home, and he started ghosting me again while still talking about a future together. In February, he was promising to me my Valentine's, but then would ghost me for days in end while he posted pictures out with his friends. I finally said we should say goodbye because I couldn’t take it anymore. I backtracked immediately, because I didn't want to actually say goodbye, I was just really hurting, but he saw it, didn't tell me he saw it, and ghosted me for weeks. Then he came back, said I was right, the relationship was toxic, but he loved me and wished things were different, that he didn't have PTSD, and that he always wanted to be in my life. I said I couldn't go back to being friends, please tell me goodbye if that's what he wants. Then he freaked out, said h couldn't, then ghosted me for three weeks. Then! I found out through social media that he had a new girlfriend, since January, while still talking to me and making me think we were together. Not only had he been hiding her from me, but also me from her.

When I confronted him, I finally let out all my anger. For once, I lost it. I cussed him out, which I had never done before, and told him how much he’d hurt me. I just wanted him to see for once, just once, to have him acknowledge how much he had hurt me. He just blamed his PTSD ("I have PTSD with you"), and the fact that he was being abused meant he wasn't responsible for the way he treated me, saying it wasn’t about her—she was just the first time he’d felt normal in years—and that “he deserves to be happy too.” He begged me to lie about my existence again, even tried to bribe me with money to not say anything to her. That was the last time we ever spoke.

Now, he’s using his faith to cope (were both Catholic, I don't believe Faith itself is a cope, but he's hiding behind it to avoid personal accountability) and telling himself this is all part of God’s plan. His new girlfriend is extremely Catholic as well, which I guess is why he got with her, to start fresh as a good Catholic man. He introduced her to everyone immediately, is taking her everywhere we promised to go for years, and I never got to meet a single person in his life or make memories that we had both dreamed about. Meanwhile, I’m left with betrayal trauma and CPTSD, (well more, I already had it from my abusive childhood), trying to understand how someone who was supposed to love me could treat me like this.

Granted, I know my part, that I should have walked away a lot sooner. That staying so long is on me. But I really really loved him, and he made me think we were going to get through this together. I kept telling him I'd didn't want a relationship right after he got free - that he needed time to really focus on healing and therapy, that therapy takes time and healing is painful but necessary - but I just wanted to know if a future together is what he still wanted. He made me think he did, over and over he made me think he did, and then jumped into a relationship with a new girl. Without processing any of this. Even if he wanted to say goodbye, I even if everything that happened was too much, he didn't even end things before replacing me and doing it to me again. When he claims putting me in that position is what caused all of this in the first place.

It hurts so much you guys. He's so kind to everybody else, so considerate and caring, but he genuinely doesn't have empathy for me alone. It's like I'm nothing more than a symbol of his shame and trauma. I know it's better off not being in his life, but love is so complicated and I can't just shut it off, and I don't know how to process this all.
 
and the fact that he was being abused meant he wasn't responsible for the way he treated me, saying it wasn’t about her—she was just the first time he’d felt normal in years—and that “he deserves to be happy too.
Pure bullshit.

If it makes you feel any better I actually know someone who blamed their cheating on the altitude. (IE being at sea level, as clearly, nooooo one can control themselves “at sea level”; so it was completely “not their fault” -read spineless coward- and only blah blah blah… seeeeeriously??? Is that not some of the most insane shit you’ve ever heard??? Sea level, causes “everyone” to cheat???) and I was MARRIED to someone who attempted to convince me via “Who are you going to believe? Me??? Or your own eyes?” Like I was THAT far gone. Snort. I trust believe I may believe the evidence of my own eyes. He didn’t even bother to attempt to convince me it wasn’t what I thought , but that it wasn’t what I SAW. Experienced. Lived. Like I was that wrapped up in his bullshit. Nope! And? (Worse >.<) He tried that line on MULTIPLE occasions. He threw my CHILD against a wall (and I mean picked him up and threw him maybe 6 feet across the room, to crash into the wall and slide down), and tried to convince me it hadn’t happened. Nope. f*ck you. Done. (That was when I left him. I could deal with his bullshit around me, but you hurt my kid? f*ck you. Forever.)

Your dude is a coward, and stupid, to boot. Only your feelings paint him otherwise.

Each of us? Are to blame for our OWN actions. Full stop.

Get as far the f*ck away from him, as possible, and don’t even waste a Haggen Das binge on the bastard. Save it for something more worthwhile than that prick. Bullet DODGED with that one. Break out the champagne, maybe.
 
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The extra information is helpful, for sure.

None of us here can be sure whether or not he has PTSD (although we can definitely have suspicions!). One thing it's easier to feel sure of is he wouldn't have gotten it just from being in a stressful relationship or treating someone badly. The actual criteria require something more "Traumatic" than that. What it more sounds like, to me, is he's making stuff up. (Seen through the lens of a person who was married for 12 years to a very accomplished liar, who lied about all kinds of stuff, whether it made sense or not.)

How sure are you that this other, BDP, person actually exists? Because believe it or not, there are people out there who would make something like that up. The big thing is, he doesn't seem to have any concern for your welfare at all. You were going move to a foreign country to further your relationship with him and he ghosted you? Moving to another country, uprooting your life, that's a pretty big deal! And he didn't think it was important to give you a head's up that there might be a bit of a snag??? And he ends up finding a way to make the whole situation your fault? I have no idea what his exact deal is, but I think @Friday is right, "bullet dodged".

I don't suppose that makes you feel any better. There's a bunch of stuff he said that doesn't make sense. Just know that you didn't cause him to have PTSD. People don't get PTSD because they treat someone badly. Although sometimes it's part of the reason they DO treat other people badly. We're still all responsible for our own actions. No one "makes" someone lie to them or ghost them. We each DECIDE to do that. He lied to you. You know he did. He didn't HAVE to do that. He could have told you the truth anywhere along the way. (Whatever the truth actually is, and I'm not real sure of that.) One step further (and you're probably not going to like this). I know you said you love him. I'd like to suggest that what you actually love is your IDEA of him. I'm not sure you know the real him. (Not your fault BTW.) I think the "real" him is more along the lines of a liar and a cheat who hasn't got much when it comes to courage. I'm thinking that's not the person you've thought him to be and not the person you love. I know this didn't end up the way you'd like, but I'd bet it could have ended up a lot worse.
 
You know what, you guys actually have no idea how helpful your responses have been. For so so long, it's been almost a year, I have been crying about this and grieving him. I do believe he has PTSD, or some trauma response, because I've seen how sick he gets first hand, but your comments especially highlighted something - even people on the PTSD forum believe this was more about his character than any amount of trauma.

I've heard it so many times, that I deserved so much better, that he wasn't the person I thought he was. But my brain has protected him, that all that pain I saw him in was the cause of this. That he was going through so so much, and he was just acting on the pain.

But, you're right. You're absolutely right. Trauma might amplify certain behaviors and traits, but it doesn't create them. He chose to put me through this. He chose to lie, and avoid, and betray me, and run away, chose his own comfort over my well being, chose cowardice over accountability, he chose to hurt me. For years. Literally years worth of chances, years worth of choices.

You're right. I don't know why, truly I've heard it so many times. But something, just over the last few days, I finally felt something click. I genuinely had a break down in a weird combination of crying and laughter reading your responses, again that people who have this type of trauma response or experienced it, didn't even believe it. In a good way, mind you, it's just, I don't know, I feel like this was the final coffin that was keeping me so hung on.

I truly, I know it's still going to take a lot of processing and healing, but truly, I feel like your responses finally just shifted something in my heart. I have felt so isolated in this experience, feeling like nobody understood because nobody was there, but you guys do. First hand you do and you still don't think his pain was the cause. I don't know, I just wanted to say thank you.
 
He made me think he did, over and over he made me think he did, and then jumped into a relationship with a new girl. Without processing any of this. Even if he wanted to say goodbye, I even if everything that happened was too much, he didn't even end things before replacing me and doing it to me again. When he claims putting me in that position is what caused all of this in the first place.

It hurts so much you guys. He's so kind to everybody else, so considerate and caring, but he genuinely doesn't have empathy for me alone. It's like I'm nothing more than a symbol of his shame and trauma. I know it's better off not being in his life, but love is so complicated and I can't just shut it off, and I don't know how to process this all.
The last paragraph says a lot. He somehow moved on without even discussing it and quickly got into a new relationship? He does. NOT. Care. About you!

And being nice to everyone else besides you? Reminds me of someone I know and I'm certain it's not just pent up trauma but because he's a horrible person!

Something tells me that the fact he claims he has PTSD because he thought you committed suicide wouldn't be true. It makes no sense and would most likely be made up upon reading the other manipulative stuff that he did.
 

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